greenstorm | Like A Whirligig

Today I'm feeling low, more-or-less. More discussions about the moving out thing with Bob last night, and I was up late, and of course the week off work culminated in a lot of sitting around on the computer doing rattery worksites so my body's not been pulling me up. Doesn't matter. It feels bad anyhow. I'm finally bleeding like a stuck pig, and even that doesn't make me feel better.

The feeling, to be precise, is an angry loneliness. When people come near, I want to tell them to fuck off and die. When they leave, I'm angry at them for not making me feel better. I'm angry at everyone for some reason or other anyhow, no matter how ridiculous the reasons. I'm angry at Juggler for refusing to let the relationship die for so long after it was obvious that it was dead, and even now. I'm angry at Bob for not being home right now, for not disappearing gracefully and also for not being here when I need him, for being an ordinary mortal instead of a codependent sludge or an independent god, and for wafflinf on the living-together thing (even though I too waffle on it). I'm angry at my mom for spending so much time and money on a bastard like my dad and having nothing left over for me. I'm angry at Angus for making me want to spend time with him but not being all-encompassing enough to allow me to escape from my life. I'm angry at myself for making this list, and for feeling this way. I'm angry at CrazyChris for not arguing hard enough with Greensinger to bother him, so I don't even have anything to go yell at him about and vent. I'm angry at Greensinger for taking my perception outside this little box of a social circle for even a moment and reminding me there's a world out there.

And I'm lonely. So there.

It's all pretty ridiculous, isn't it? The problem is that things are changing. Bob and I are nipping our growing co-dependence in the bud, people flit in and out of the picture, things come and go. Lightning and Silver are getting oldish! I'm going to live on my own and I don't know where. My relationship with Juggler is gone. Any relationship with someone who I view as superior, authority, someone I can trust to make things all right for me without work on my part-- that's gone. No one will take care of me, I need to do it on my own- even if 'it' is just spread the burden around a little so that it's light to bear.

So all that change shakes my world up, and I start to doubt the future. Will it be good? Will it have what I need? Will it be nourishing and joyful and wonderful? No doubt it will be, even more than my life has been in the past, but... I worry. I feel shaky. I'm hesitant to like things because they might leave and then I'll miss them.

Plus I bled hard all day and got covered in dog shit.

But, I'm going to clean up, eat some good food, go to karaoke, and then sleep a little late tomorrow. I'll be fine. That process begins now.

Be well.