Winter Darkness
Dec. 5th, 2003 09:16 am![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
greenstormI got up at eight this morning, and it was still essentially dark. It's nine now, and I think this is as light as it's gonna get.
It's no fun to deal with, but at least work takes me outside some of the day. Last night I broke out of the stare-blankly-at-walls feeling that I've had for the last couple of days, which is good.
Tomorrow's going to be a busy day. I'm taking a reiki class all day, and then there's a party I'll be attending at night -- a party where the personal information I can give out is a little limited, which will be interesting. I've never had to conceal stuff like this before, nor would I of my own choice, so we'll see how it goes. On the plus side, home's not far away if I need to leave.
It's really invalidating to not be acknowledged by a loved one. The whole 'coming out' issue is complicated on its own, I guess, but when poly is thrown in it changes a little. For one, it invites comparison: he can acknowledge her, but not me, which makes me feel disposable next to her and much less important. For another, with the time/attention limits inherent in poly -- well, okay, this is a personal issue. But with my time setup and his, I'm not going to have a chance to go to him and get reassurance right after the party. I won't be able to say, hey, I know you needed to completely ignore me as your girlfriend during the party but you do still care for me, right?
And that is my thing, and I think I can deal with it, but I wish I didn't have to. I've talked to him a bit about it, and it was good, but I still have no idea what he's going to say to other people about me, what the 'official' story's going to be. Any sort of confidence in myself that I have, I get from being open and honest about myself -- and I will still do that, as much as possible, but this is weird. It's weird, too, that I'm allowing another person to tailor the image of me to a certain extent... oh, it's weird all round, very very weird. No doubt I'll have lots to say on the subject on here later, after Saturday night.
At this point I'm not even terribly interested in going (the theme of the party is something along the lines of playing video games) but I think this is one of those social obligation things. Except, of course, that the social obligation is known to no one but me, the Juggler, the SO, and TOW. Bah. Well, it certainly won't kill me, is not likely to harm me much at all, and I can always leave.
So, that's that. We'll see how it goes when I get there.
There'll probably be some sort of a meditation/rant on the party-style of the one SO who's 'allowed' to acknowledge me, though. *chuckle* Him I haven't been to a party with in a long time...
Time with the group tonight, and man, do I ever need it. It's been awhile, and I got just a little last night to make me realise I've been missing it. Nice to know that it's coming.
It's no fun to deal with, but at least work takes me outside some of the day. Last night I broke out of the stare-blankly-at-walls feeling that I've had for the last couple of days, which is good.
Tomorrow's going to be a busy day. I'm taking a reiki class all day, and then there's a party I'll be attending at night -- a party where the personal information I can give out is a little limited, which will be interesting. I've never had to conceal stuff like this before, nor would I of my own choice, so we'll see how it goes. On the plus side, home's not far away if I need to leave.
It's really invalidating to not be acknowledged by a loved one. The whole 'coming out' issue is complicated on its own, I guess, but when poly is thrown in it changes a little. For one, it invites comparison: he can acknowledge her, but not me, which makes me feel disposable next to her and much less important. For another, with the time/attention limits inherent in poly -- well, okay, this is a personal issue. But with my time setup and his, I'm not going to have a chance to go to him and get reassurance right after the party. I won't be able to say, hey, I know you needed to completely ignore me as your girlfriend during the party but you do still care for me, right?
And that is my thing, and I think I can deal with it, but I wish I didn't have to. I've talked to him a bit about it, and it was good, but I still have no idea what he's going to say to other people about me, what the 'official' story's going to be. Any sort of confidence in myself that I have, I get from being open and honest about myself -- and I will still do that, as much as possible, but this is weird. It's weird, too, that I'm allowing another person to tailor the image of me to a certain extent... oh, it's weird all round, very very weird. No doubt I'll have lots to say on the subject on here later, after Saturday night.
At this point I'm not even terribly interested in going (the theme of the party is something along the lines of playing video games) but I think this is one of those social obligation things. Except, of course, that the social obligation is known to no one but me, the Juggler, the SO, and TOW. Bah. Well, it certainly won't kill me, is not likely to harm me much at all, and I can always leave.
So, that's that. We'll see how it goes when I get there.
There'll probably be some sort of a meditation/rant on the party-style of the one SO who's 'allowed' to acknowledge me, though. *chuckle* Him I haven't been to a party with in a long time...
Time with the group tonight, and man, do I ever need it. It's been awhile, and I got just a little last night to make me realise I've been missing it. Nice to know that it's coming.
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no subject
Date: 2003-12-09 09:11 am (UTC)I guess I can see that: Stuff likes this takes time, and ones feels unsteady.
I didn't feel I was holding back something waiting for people to "come out" around stuff...the places where pple were in the closet were usually "hidden" (as I prolly have blindspots around this stuff too) and it just shook me alot when it came up.
*hugs*