Snapshot

[greenstorm]

The way our bodies come together is god telling us to fuck. That's the only way to describe how it feels. Sure, some sort of enduring spiritual connection is great, but this other thing might be a bigger loss. It can't happen when we're not connected. It had been sliding in the last couple of weeks, especially, when he was keeping the breakup behind his eyes. Now it's back and then some; we can speak more freely now without so much care or fear. I tell him anything and everything and he's not surprised, or shocked, nor does he find it incomprehensible. He's straight with me, and I can therefore pull the ambient weird out of the air and clear it. You're going to ask me to leave soon I'll say, and the little worry (will I hurt her?) will disappear from behind his eyes, and the little nag in my head (I'm starting to stress him out, will he be glad to see me go? Will he want me to come back if I leave when it's less than perfect) is gone from mine.

I've been bedhopping a little (yes, safely) and the comparison is clear. Sex otherwise is fun, but not such a driving, overwhelming compulsion. It's not a bridge or a unified thing that comes and lives inside us for awhile.

The thing that used to bridge between us, and that stretched him so badly to hold up, has curled away inside me. It lives there restlessly, lending power to flames that come off me in odd directions. I feel broken-open and powerful. I feel caring and intense.

I keep batting my head against the wall of ignorance here. My friends love me so much and they have been so lovely to me, so caring that the air tightens with it when they're around. I love them back so much and I just do not know how to break the intensity of that back at 'em. Angus tells me I don't have to, that they know. I tell him he's always taken people loving him for granted and it's a blessing. He says it's heavy sometimes. I bet it is.

I'm still learning how to live. I bet by the time I can afford to run off into the bush with a hatchet to retire, I'll have learned to love navigating this massively complicated sea of community in which I find myself and then I won't need to. I'll have found my own peace here.

So this is a snapshot as we snip and patch. Here's where it is right now. Let's see where it goes, shall we? This way leaves room for other things too.

Comments

[mafius.livejournal.com]

Human beings are capable of acts both terribly awful and terribly compassionate. Beyond all other creatures on this earth, we are the extremes of good and evil. We cannot help it, because we invented the concept. Those who are able to be unloving are often times those who will share the most love. We are all products of extremes. That is the human condition.