Morning After
Dec. 7th, 2003 10:23 am![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
greenstormWell, the party's over. I ended up staying all through it last night and staying over at TOH, which is kind of interesting. I was expecting to do neither.
I'm pretty much intact -- got all my limbs, no terrible injuries either psychic or physical occurred. I was at no point terribly unhappy. There were definitely a couple of disturbing moments, but in general those weren't related to the issue I thought would bother me, which was 'not dating' the Juggler at the party.
I'm still doing some thinking on that issue, but it's mostly back-burnered right now.
Interestingly enough, I had pretty good boundaries at the party. I guess it was because I was already busy self-censoring for the one thing, so that got extended to the rest of my behaviour. Theoretically that might be a good thing? The only thing I didn't do that I think I probably should have is head home a little earlier and just go to bed. Instead I ended up waiting around on assurances that people'd leave soon (I could have asked 'will we be able to go to bed soon' and maybe got a more accurate answer?), but no damage is done.
My only issue is that I just didn't enjoy myself. I think that might be tied in to the self-censorship, some possibly to some emotional restraints surrounding the outing issue, but it could just be that the event isn't my style. There was lots of gaming -- video gaming, card gaming, more video gaming -- and there were very few people there who were easy to get into conversation with.
It's interesting to come out of something like that and think, of the two things I did I don't regret doing them, neither really hurt me, but I'll probably do something different next time.
Then again, maybe I'm just in denial of some terrible emotional harm on my five hours' sleep?
*grin*
(That was a joke).
So I got up around 8:30 and headed back home, leaving the rest of them to sleep their various party-stuff off. This again was not caused by any sharp emotional impetus, just either a vague desire to be in my own space or a vague discomfort there, or possibly both. I think, being fully awake, I may have had enough hanging around people doing stuff I'm not interested in joining in, and I think too maybe I need to spend some time just with the Juggler and reassure myself that he still cares for me before I can interact in the group setting well. But! Nothing is pressing hard, nothing is hurting me, and I'm happy for that.
Do you notice some repetition here? I was not expecing to come out of this unscathed. :) I thought it would be testign my limits, and it didn't come close.
I also have my first volunteer stint at VanDusen tonight, which means I need to leave for the gardens (with a supper in me) by 4pm. I admit I'm not looking forward to it as much as I could be, but it's also providing a nice impetus to get on with my day and not wait around for people -- a good thing, since waiting around makes me cranky, and I don't generally not wait around just on those grounds.
So, first order of the day, now that email's been dealt with and my schedule for the next couple of days confirmed: breakfast. I've got a cold chicken back at TOH which would have been lovely, but I'll have to make do.
This morning on my way over here I got to go past churchgoers, which was kind of neat. There weren't many (too late in the morning? too early? wrong transit routes?) but it was nice. And Sunday morning's a time when you feel like you can smile to people you pass on the street.
Hope you're having a good day.
I'm pretty much intact -- got all my limbs, no terrible injuries either psychic or physical occurred. I was at no point terribly unhappy. There were definitely a couple of disturbing moments, but in general those weren't related to the issue I thought would bother me, which was 'not dating' the Juggler at the party.
I'm still doing some thinking on that issue, but it's mostly back-burnered right now.
Interestingly enough, I had pretty good boundaries at the party. I guess it was because I was already busy self-censoring for the one thing, so that got extended to the rest of my behaviour. Theoretically that might be a good thing? The only thing I didn't do that I think I probably should have is head home a little earlier and just go to bed. Instead I ended up waiting around on assurances that people'd leave soon (I could have asked 'will we be able to go to bed soon' and maybe got a more accurate answer?), but no damage is done.
My only issue is that I just didn't enjoy myself. I think that might be tied in to the self-censorship, some possibly to some emotional restraints surrounding the outing issue, but it could just be that the event isn't my style. There was lots of gaming -- video gaming, card gaming, more video gaming -- and there were very few people there who were easy to get into conversation with.
It's interesting to come out of something like that and think, of the two things I did I don't regret doing them, neither really hurt me, but I'll probably do something different next time.
Then again, maybe I'm just in denial of some terrible emotional harm on my five hours' sleep?
*grin*
(That was a joke).
So I got up around 8:30 and headed back home, leaving the rest of them to sleep their various party-stuff off. This again was not caused by any sharp emotional impetus, just either a vague desire to be in my own space or a vague discomfort there, or possibly both. I think, being fully awake, I may have had enough hanging around people doing stuff I'm not interested in joining in, and I think too maybe I need to spend some time just with the Juggler and reassure myself that he still cares for me before I can interact in the group setting well. But! Nothing is pressing hard, nothing is hurting me, and I'm happy for that.
Do you notice some repetition here? I was not expecing to come out of this unscathed. :) I thought it would be testign my limits, and it didn't come close.
I also have my first volunteer stint at VanDusen tonight, which means I need to leave for the gardens (with a supper in me) by 4pm. I admit I'm not looking forward to it as much as I could be, but it's also providing a nice impetus to get on with my day and not wait around for people -- a good thing, since waiting around makes me cranky, and I don't generally not wait around just on those grounds.
So, first order of the day, now that email's been dealt with and my schedule for the next couple of days confirmed: breakfast. I've got a cold chicken back at TOH which would have been lovely, but I'll have to make do.
This morning on my way over here I got to go past churchgoers, which was kind of neat. There weren't many (too late in the morning? too early? wrong transit routes?) but it was nice. And Sunday morning's a time when you feel like you can smile to people you pass on the street.
Hope you're having a good day.
![[identity profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/openid.png){kind=small}
'Not' dating
Date: 2003-12-08 09:14 pm (UTC)That kind of self-censorship is awkward, and I can appreciate how difficult it might've been for you to be portrayed as a 'friend.' Remember that not all people are open to our poly lifestyle, and sometimes we need to bend to popularly accepted roles.
I saw an owl fly across the road at Schoolhouse and Lougheed Hwy on the way home, and was filled with wonder. I'm constantly amazed at how nature persists in even the most industrial areas.
Take care,
L
Re: 'Not' dating
Date: 2003-12-08 10:34 pm (UTC)