Ovulation/PMSy

[greenstorm]

Emotionally unsteady. Kinda wondering what it's gonna be like to go through this with no sex. Kinda wondering what it's gonna be like to go through this with no one reliably there every day.

Today's the first day in awhile I let the potential-plans cloud remain potential and just didn't schedule anything at all after work. I wandered up to buy some pants, went grocery shopping, totally forgot to get razor blades and my bus pass, and now I'm home.

It was a really rough day emotionally. Last night was kinda rough, as I was negotiating support person vs friend roles, and today was more heavy sending good thoughts and support in the direction of an issue that is now over and resolved well-- and I am drained, and kind of cranky. I guess I feel dropped, wrung out and then tossed aside. I'm trying to decide if this is 1) because I'm just swingy when I'm ovulating 2) because I really didn't get enough thanks-and-repayment to make it worthwhile or 3) because when I'm not feeling needed I'm not feeling wanted either.

Either way I think I need to minimise my involvement in that kind of scenario-- either limit it to lighter ones, or know it's gonna suck up a lot of me and do it less often.

So anyhow, here I am feeling fragile and lonely and wanting to lean on someone but not willing to lean on anyone who isn't perfectly nice to me, cause my skin is onionskin-thin right now and everything goes right through it, intentional or not.

There have been good things-- digging in frozen mud this morning till my fingertips were numb notwithstanding. Fried bananas and maple sugar last night, a really serious honest-to-god decent hug this morning, good talks and an actual genuine connection again with a friend I'd been distant from for a bit last night, talking with ratty people at the world rat day party, hanging out with Lizzy again, talking all day with my fantastic co-worker. That was great.

But I need to stay home, clean a bit, cook a bit, and try to center myself right now, and it's rough, cause I want to go hide in someone's arms, and I also don't want to talk to anyone. Blarg. You know, it's usually the fuck-and-kill time of month.

Also I want someone to be fucking nice to me, not just tolerant or whatever, but descent on me with a present or surprise-invite me out for dinner without my having to plan it or something, but again, thin skin, thin skin.

Comments

[joyousandjuicy.livejournal.com]

"I am feeling fragile and lonely and wanting to lean on someone but not willing to lean on anyone who isn't perfectly nice to me, cause my skin is onionskin-thin right now and everything goes right through it, intentional or not."

yup. pretty much how i'm feeling right about now, too.