greenstorm | (no subject)

Wait, let's write a little more now.

I remain internet-free; this blog is the one thing I would continue would it not require the lifestyle reversion that getting the internet again would mean for me.

I am happy. I've done a lot (a lot a lot a lot) of processing in the back of my head, of practicing living and getting good at it. I value my friends a great deal. I'm back to loving people like absolutely crazy and brign in my garden with a bottle of wine sometimes and just enjoying life. Life is good. It's been sunny. I've been trimming boxwood hedges this week and talking to tons of new and wonderful people and relaxing in my lovely home. I'm freaking out over what to cook for my housewarming, though people will love me whatever I make. I'm doing a bunch of rat breeding-- honeymooning couples have been together this week.

The inside of my head makes more sense but is less verbally inexplicable. I feel a lot like myself. Sunny summer Greenie is back. I had missed her. There's less introspection here and more enjoyment. I wonder if those two will always be mutually exclusive for me?

How do I say love has become a major force in my life again? Like when I was poly, being single allows me to love people all over the place in lots of ways -- and now that I don't feel like I must say yes to relationships or sex, I am freer than eever in that regard. I am also successfully fighting the impulse to do almost anything for the people who treat me how I most want to be treated-- considerately, consistently, with respect for both my feelings and for themselves. Bob, Paul, Angus, and Trevor are the people on my most-often-seen list who do this, and I adore these people with everything in me. I feel human now, though I'm still working on feeling like I deserve all this unlooked-for bounty from people around me.

I'm meeting gardeners right and left and it is exciting and wonderful and good. I almost got into a fist-fight over mulching today in the kitchen (well, not quite, but you know...) and I'm reading a bunch of the classic gardening books (Ruth Stout, Square Foot Gardening, etc) I got from Doug.

I am flirting like crazy when I feel like it. I am having marathon sex when conditions allow. I am chasing pretty boys. I am walking for hours talking to people. I am having platonic friends. I am spending a lot of time cleaning my house. I am instructing people at work. I am sleeping five hours a night some nights (many) and ten others. I am photosynthesizing. I am starting to become comfortable with the shape of my new, smaller hips.

My bed feels like home again, like it sucks me into it, like floating. I have a focal space in my room. My livingroom is a sheer joy to be in. I talk to mom pretty often-- she's guerilla gardening now.

I am tired a lot. I am happy a lot. Sometimes I get sharp stabbing lonely pains and can't stand it and everything hurts-- usually after dark. Often I relax.

What's life in a nutshell? I don't worry about my identity. I be me. I like me.

And this summer is already so beautiful. I'm going to spend it outside. You should see my tan lines right now, I need to work less and lie around more.

Be well, guys.