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greenstormI guess this was the summer where I broke from my life-- took breaks from what I always did, from poly, from relationships, from writing, from hippying-around as opposed to 9-5ing it, from living with people, from surrendering up my destiny into others' hands. I took breaks, and I more-or-less took a two month break from writing. I seem to be back. This is such a seductive feeling, sitting here and falling inwards, letting my self seep upwards and around my consciousness until all that's left in my awareness is me, as objective as I get focussed on as subjective as I get.
Life in general is seductive right now. It's late, I'm sleepy and warm and it's raining outside. Every time I turn around (this in a metaphorical sense, he's not here right now) the most wonderful boy in the world is there, watching me with adoring eyes-- not what I expected about now but perhaps the best thing ever regardless. Music is on. My home is good. There is a family in the offing at Angus' house, the kind of huge messy house full of boys that I grew up in. Dan is exciting. My friends are solid. I'm reading a book on rhetoric; school is coming up soon. I had all-you-can-eat Indian for dinner, and I'm stuffed to the gills in a contented non-greasy sort of way. The rain has been immediate and not too cool and followed with clear crisp sunshiney air.
I am very happy right now.
I am very right now, right now. Normally I get so caught up in the what-nexts, but right now my head is still so busy whirling... You know, I couldn't break up with Angus until I had absolutely given up, until I had completely eradicated any hint in my head that it might be a ploy to get him back. I had to turn my back on any possibility of being with him, and then we end up together again. It really is a new beginning, not on scorched and burnt earth but on ground that had naturally gone fallow with the change of the seasons. Now... here. Here we are.
And... I am trying poly again apparently. I'm doing it differently this time, with love, with respect for my primary relationship, from a place, I guess, of primacy in my primary relationship, but also with softness. I don't feel that if I give in, if I am gentle, that I will be down a peg or that I'll have something taken from me or be losing something. Instead I think helping him to be comfortable will be a gain for myself.
No, it's not really my choice. I don't mind -- pretty boys on top of Angus are certainly gravy, and I'm still (again?) capable of loving lots of people like crazy. It's his call, though, and if it doesn't work out it's his call to call it off and that'd be fine too. That's been the case since the beginning. It's lovely to be starting fresh. I needed the break to monogamy and maybe singlehood to stop this destructive chain of every-man-for-himself poly I'd been doing.
Now I'm staying very far away from the poly groups online, from reading about it, from setting up from other people's experience. I have a bunch of experience that I'm happy to draw on, but I think that the people involved are more important than anyone else's experience, any principles of mine, or any agreements that no longer seem to fit (but that may hold 'advantage' for one party over another).
Doesn't that sound beautiful?
As you can imagine, the whole situation-- the dating situation, the poly situation, the life situation (going back to school for something I love while still working at it!? controlling my own home and space?!) --is touching me at a very deep level. I'd definitely, in the couple of months I haven't been posting much and even in the last year or two as I read back, started to strengthen as a person. Life seems to be a continuous evolution for me; I get stronger, I feel safer, I can interact with people and events in more diverse ways. Now I find myself opening out again and trusting in the world around me. I'm losing the thread of this post because the music is sweeping me up as I write.
Time, perhaps, to stop it then.
Life in general is seductive right now. It's late, I'm sleepy and warm and it's raining outside. Every time I turn around (this in a metaphorical sense, he's not here right now) the most wonderful boy in the world is there, watching me with adoring eyes-- not what I expected about now but perhaps the best thing ever regardless. Music is on. My home is good. There is a family in the offing at Angus' house, the kind of huge messy house full of boys that I grew up in. Dan is exciting. My friends are solid. I'm reading a book on rhetoric; school is coming up soon. I had all-you-can-eat Indian for dinner, and I'm stuffed to the gills in a contented non-greasy sort of way. The rain has been immediate and not too cool and followed with clear crisp sunshiney air.
I am very happy right now.
I am very right now, right now. Normally I get so caught up in the what-nexts, but right now my head is still so busy whirling... You know, I couldn't break up with Angus until I had absolutely given up, until I had completely eradicated any hint in my head that it might be a ploy to get him back. I had to turn my back on any possibility of being with him, and then we end up together again. It really is a new beginning, not on scorched and burnt earth but on ground that had naturally gone fallow with the change of the seasons. Now... here. Here we are.
And... I am trying poly again apparently. I'm doing it differently this time, with love, with respect for my primary relationship, from a place, I guess, of primacy in my primary relationship, but also with softness. I don't feel that if I give in, if I am gentle, that I will be down a peg or that I'll have something taken from me or be losing something. Instead I think helping him to be comfortable will be a gain for myself.
No, it's not really my choice. I don't mind -- pretty boys on top of Angus are certainly gravy, and I'm still (again?) capable of loving lots of people like crazy. It's his call, though, and if it doesn't work out it's his call to call it off and that'd be fine too. That's been the case since the beginning. It's lovely to be starting fresh. I needed the break to monogamy and maybe singlehood to stop this destructive chain of every-man-for-himself poly I'd been doing.
Now I'm staying very far away from the poly groups online, from reading about it, from setting up from other people's experience. I have a bunch of experience that I'm happy to draw on, but I think that the people involved are more important than anyone else's experience, any principles of mine, or any agreements that no longer seem to fit (but that may hold 'advantage' for one party over another).
Doesn't that sound beautiful?
As you can imagine, the whole situation-- the dating situation, the poly situation, the life situation (going back to school for something I love while still working at it!? controlling my own home and space?!) --is touching me at a very deep level. I'd definitely, in the couple of months I haven't been posting much and even in the last year or two as I read back, started to strengthen as a person. Life seems to be a continuous evolution for me; I get stronger, I feel safer, I can interact with people and events in more diverse ways. Now I find myself opening out again and trusting in the world around me. I'm losing the thread of this post because the music is sweeping me up as I write.
Time, perhaps, to stop it then.
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no subject
Date: 2008-09-29 07:00 pm (UTC)