Two Sizes Too Small

[greenstorm]

Some nights I'm not sure I have a heart anymore. It's been broken so many times, mended with whatever I could find to hand (and though that was a lot, it was never right) that a lot of that part of me's just gone numb. My friends are scattered to the four winds (those four winds being physical location, busyness/attention, divergent growth, and personal crises). We're all wrapped up in our own lives, and I'm too far into my shell to be casually intimate.

I knew this would happen. I looked forward and saw it: one day my life would be too full of history and too rich in present detail, I would be too complicated, for anyone to share it particularly fully. Now here I am. There's too much history for anyone to share and understand: any little comment, my ex this or my garden that, each one is a tiny little signifier of a wealth of subterranean memory and meaning and experience that it would take years to unearth.

I don't know what to do with me. I've made my life into a machine: my work and hobbies drive me, they motivate me, I adore my boyfriend and all of these things truly do inspire me and make me passionate and push me forward. Why, then, am I so lonely?

Because I am _so_ lonely. And when I reach inside myself to feel what's there, no warmth rises up to meet me. Excitement, happiness, yes, all those things are there-- but the heart is cold.

Comments

[estrellada.livejournal.com]

hey -

I know what you mean about too much past. I often feel alone because even my companions don't really know the whole story - I keep needing to fill my lover in on 30 years of history...but this is where I am now, now in my story and I realise, free of all the broken people I've been. I can be the healed person I am now.

I dunno, my heart's really woken up in the past year. All the damage, self and other inflicted, is smoothing out.

We should have tea.

[greenstorm.livejournal.com]

We should. You live maybe a five minute bike ride from me.

[estrellada.livejournal.com]

What's your schedule? I'm usually 9-5ish, M-F, with gobs of activity in random evenings. Right now I'm puttering at home before L shows up at 4:45. You should meet her sometime - I don't think you two would mesh as friends but it would be interesting to see what happens when you're in the same room.

[greenstorm.livejournal.com]

I'm basically on the same schedule as you then.

[estrellada.livejournal.com]

got a day/evening free soon?

[thenaiadmuse.livejournal.com]

the "too much past" really hit close to home.

604-340-6432 (cell)
604-451-5860 (house)

I am putting it into motion that within the next 10 days we MUST get together. let's make this happen

[greenstorm.livejournal.com]

Put you in my cell. I'm 604-537-2533

[dunfalach.livejournal.com]

I get the feeling of being the broken record now and then. You know some of my contribution to what you need already.

There's another thing to say, though. I have had times before when I realized that my online friends had known me longer than most of my 'real' friends, excluding family and the truly long-term friends that you can see once in a few years and it's never truly less than it was. Five or six years, maybe, for you and me?

[greenstorm.livejournal.com]

But less frequent when I don't live online. ;)

[dunfalach.livejournal.com]

This also is true. You *do* have my phone number. Or if you don't, tell me and I shall send it to you again. You really should use it sometime. :)

But we're still friends even when we don't talk a while, aye?

I am also the last living Mystic. Which will make no sense to anyone but you and maybe Jan if he reads your comments section.

[dunfalach.livejournal.com]

And of course Wik. Wik will understand.

[greenstorm.livejournal.com]

Oh, really? Wow, we should chat.

[dunfalach.livejournal.com]

Yes, we should indeed. But when?

[wik.livejournal.com]

So break the machine. Come down to the Midwest for a while. We're good on warmth. You'll find your heart again one way or another.

[greenstorm.livejournal.com]

You may be right. You really are down there. Vancouver, not so much. I do have two months off school, July and August I believe.

[greensinger.livejournal.com]

I had no idea my post would have any bearing on yours.

I don't know how I know, but I'm certain that something is coming to reinvigorate, to reignite, both of us.

[greenstorm.livejournal.com]

Certainty is good. ;) I never get fixed unless I go it myself, usually.

Sweet girl

[http://users.livejournal.com/_greenwitch_/]

Can I say it will pass? Can I reassure you that your heart will warm and the loneliness will fade? I can't, really, because nothing is certain - except that you are the one person I know who is so often bursting with love and excitement that you inspire me. You really do deserve to leave the past in the past - continue on with selective amnesia? I have seen so many things on this trip, recognized plants, viewed the hillside planting of - cauliflower (?!?) and wanted to ask your opinion, to excitedly point something out. To force you to eat fresh durian.

Please know the garden is calling, I will soon be home, my weekends will be mostly available if you can talk outside, and there is always tomorrow. XOX