Let's try for a real post, folks.
Jun. 26th, 2009 10:05 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
greenstormLet's put this on in the background, set the mood for you:
It's been quite a busy time and quite a full time. I haven't had time to think much- I've been talking more than I think, and working more than I talk, which is saying something. This week I dropped turf in the rain for two days straight, and my houlders have stopped cracking when I turn my head as of this afternoon. There have been births and deaths in there, rebirths and crashes.
It's been a long, long time since I came home thinking of livejournal and sat down in front of it. It's been even longer since I've been in the mood. Rock Plaza Central seems to have done the trick; I put on that song above and the album is unfolding now. It's pulled me back into myself. I already feel better.
Since Angus moved downtown I've been living mostly at his place, stopping by my old place to do rat care and moving packing; since I moved (mostly) in to the new place I've been stopping by there instead. It's a lot more convenient, a mere ten minute bike along fast-moving downtown streets. When I find a mattress that will fit the two of us on it I'll sleep there more than the one token overnight I've done so far, and it will be good. Angus got a double bed, and I'm thinking I need one bigger than that; one of us needs to be able to take three people, after all.
So here we come to one change; we've got a lot more comfy with the open thing together-- we are both feeling respected all round, not just boundaries but feelings and joys and worries-- and are dipping our very tippy-toes into tiny bits of something a little more like poly-ish-kinda. It helps that our tastes are finally overlapping on a couple of people. This may be caused by our steady exchanging of self-- I'm turning into a sweeter, less cynical, more giving person at the same time as the boy is picking up a sharp snarky edge and a good dose of self-righteousness. Note I can still manage a patronising tone if I have to, but have been known to share a pun and even laugh at jokes on rare occasions.
I am finally (finally, finally) in a relationship where if I need attention I don't have to turn to a new person to provide it. I can ask and it's there, or sometimes I'm the one being asked. I am finally in a relationship where I feel safe asking for what I need, and even feel safe getting angry when the boy messes up-- and feel safe with him getting angry with me when I do. This is two humans together, and sometimes we make mistakes, and always we love each other. I'm even pretty much beginning to trust, past partners' experience to the contrary, that he will be there when I need him and he will come back to me when he's been with someone else.
I've been livejournaling for a long time, through years of poly, and I'm not sure I've ever been so mellow about it. You can go back and check if you like. It's good. I feel in a way as if I've got past all those brutal mistakes Kynnin and I made on each other in the beginning, and learned to trust again. Who I was then would have called this person now selfish and authoritarian -- I've exercised veto power over someone, we're working within our own comfort levels rather than some theoretical objective or ideal minimally-restrictive or std-restrictions-only framework (in the latter case personal fears always ended up dictating acceptable risk levels anyhow, just in unacknowledged form). I am happy and secure, though. I have not felt both secure and fulfilled in a relationship for a long time.
I'm even starting to be interested in outside ventures myself, by myself, and it really has been awhile. It's odd to do something like this from the place of being totally satisfied in my current relationship, because everything else seems like so much work for so little potential payoff that i just don't bother. Things have been coming up that seem respectful of my current relationship with Angus (a 100% must for me to find anyone attractive) and safe and comfy to explore AND potentially easy to get into, so I will try doing some of that. Some things that have been barriers with people so far: I don't want to educate anyone on STDs, I want them to be knowledgeable on their own; I don't want to be someone's source of emotional support just cause we're having sex, though I don't mind being ONE of MANY sources of joy in someone's life; I don't want to be anyone's guiding light/mentor/role model, I prefer people who relate to me from a place of equal personal power and competency, though of course they don't have to be competent in the same things I am; I am not going to fall in love with anyone except Angus so anyone who waits for it just makes me feel like a big meanie; I don't like feeling that I'm offering a scarce commodity in someone's life, merely that I'm having some sort of fun and perhaps special bond with someone on some level, perhaps only physical; people who can't stand up for themselves don't interest me.
That came out a bit like a rant, but I suppose it's about time, mm?
In other news, the honeymoon is over at work. Boss is still great, hours are super flexible, I enjoy the work-- but my co-worker is rapidly getting impossible to the point where I've been taking days off to avoid those awful nine-to-ten hour stretches with her and her new puppy/ Need to talk to my boss about that. Not sure how.
Rats are all wonderful, except those who are dead. I've got a bunch of boys over two years now, and am breeding them -- Paris has had some spectacular litters and I've got another few lined up for Quartz and Bullet -- so I'm heading towards the longevity part of my breeding goals, and personalities are to die for, so we're just trying to sort out colours and markings on the way. I keep sucking at that, because I love love love love love the super asymmetrical face spots and the lightning blazes and the high-white dals/mismarked BEWS and so I breed them and they are not show-happy markings.
My rats have declined to have the waves of babies I was hoping for this summer, though I keep trying. There is a waiting list ready. I am also (temporarily) down to four martins cages from 5. Amazing, no?
I have been taking hooping class from Juggler's new girlfriend (maybe not so new as all that) and it makes me so happy. It's something I can do-- well and happily-- and she is a marvelous teacher. She was gone for one class and had a friend stand in, and while the friend was competent enough, she didn't have that spark. I am so pleased Juggler is with this person, and so pleased I am taking these classes. They're actually worth paying money to commit myself one night a week, and that's saying something. Normally the only thing I can commit one night per week to is plants. After going to an outdoor wedding party last weekend I've discovered that I need a hoop that can go in the car though. It's good to have a new hobby.
With work especially I've been noticing sexism/rigid media-role-ism around me a lot a lot lately. There are a bunch of pictures of improbable-looking girls in bikinis up in the shop (I'm sure they wouldn't mind if I put up beefcake pics, but that's not the point) and the creeping awareness of not only the maintenance/construction divide or the pay gap but also just my very strange and unusual: lack of homophobia, gender and sexual orientation stereotyping; drinking habits (or lack thereof); high comfort levels with nudity; lesser objectification of the sexes; greater acceptance of real bodies; weird moral uprightness about breaking negotiated boundaries and just generally not giving a fuck what people do with their bits consensually as long as they're safe physically and emotionally about it. I am just not culturally at home. My co-worker does not help with this. She has actually said things in all seriousness like "real men should be able to assemble dirt bikes from scratch and know how to ride them" and "women should douche at least every day to be clean" among other gems too numerous to list. Every once in awhile she'll say something that makes me feel physically ill, and the worst part of that is that she's often talking about her own body and what she needs to not eat or how much weight she needs to lose.
Today she said something along the lines of: she wasn't safe with her boyfriend this weekend, but it doesn't matter because her period was going to happen in a week or so. When I told her that wasn't really an assurance of it being a safe time not to get pregnant, she said she was 'probably sterile anyhow or at least she would tell herself that'.
She has a lot of admirable qualities, but not 40-50 hours per week of admirable qualities with no one else present.
So that's been stressful. And when work is stressful right now, my whole life is, cause that's taking up so so much of my time. That's why hooping class is so good. I've been considering trying to do a media blackout weekend with Angus-- he's got his email on his cellphone now, so he's always checking the damned thing --and so I can just feel the grass under my feet again. I need to get into the ocean. I think I may need to seduce someone (which, given my above rant, takes some doing). I need to have a night of swapping reading poems aloud to someone.
Thank gods for my new roommates, who are perfectly comfy with nudity in the house or the back yard, and indulge themselves. They picnic in the nearby park and steal cherries from the neighbour two doors down. It's lovely.
I also had a perfect solstice night.
So this has ended up being a state-of-the-Greenie post, I guess, and less the contemplative thing I had thought to begin. It's been needed, though. More sometime in the future-- I'm taking some four-day work weeks till sanity returns, and I'm contemplating getting the iphone, so there may be opportunity.
Anyone coming to the mission folk fest with me?
It's been quite a busy time and quite a full time. I haven't had time to think much- I've been talking more than I think, and working more than I talk, which is saying something. This week I dropped turf in the rain for two days straight, and my houlders have stopped cracking when I turn my head as of this afternoon. There have been births and deaths in there, rebirths and crashes.
It's been a long, long time since I came home thinking of livejournal and sat down in front of it. It's been even longer since I've been in the mood. Rock Plaza Central seems to have done the trick; I put on that song above and the album is unfolding now. It's pulled me back into myself. I already feel better.
Since Angus moved downtown I've been living mostly at his place, stopping by my old place to do rat care and moving packing; since I moved (mostly) in to the new place I've been stopping by there instead. It's a lot more convenient, a mere ten minute bike along fast-moving downtown streets. When I find a mattress that will fit the two of us on it I'll sleep there more than the one token overnight I've done so far, and it will be good. Angus got a double bed, and I'm thinking I need one bigger than that; one of us needs to be able to take three people, after all.
So here we come to one change; we've got a lot more comfy with the open thing together-- we are both feeling respected all round, not just boundaries but feelings and joys and worries-- and are dipping our very tippy-toes into tiny bits of something a little more like poly-ish-kinda. It helps that our tastes are finally overlapping on a couple of people. This may be caused by our steady exchanging of self-- I'm turning into a sweeter, less cynical, more giving person at the same time as the boy is picking up a sharp snarky edge and a good dose of self-righteousness. Note I can still manage a patronising tone if I have to, but have been known to share a pun and even laugh at jokes on rare occasions.
I am finally (finally, finally) in a relationship where if I need attention I don't have to turn to a new person to provide it. I can ask and it's there, or sometimes I'm the one being asked. I am finally in a relationship where I feel safe asking for what I need, and even feel safe getting angry when the boy messes up-- and feel safe with him getting angry with me when I do. This is two humans together, and sometimes we make mistakes, and always we love each other. I'm even pretty much beginning to trust, past partners' experience to the contrary, that he will be there when I need him and he will come back to me when he's been with someone else.
I've been livejournaling for a long time, through years of poly, and I'm not sure I've ever been so mellow about it. You can go back and check if you like. It's good. I feel in a way as if I've got past all those brutal mistakes Kynnin and I made on each other in the beginning, and learned to trust again. Who I was then would have called this person now selfish and authoritarian -- I've exercised veto power over someone, we're working within our own comfort levels rather than some theoretical objective or ideal minimally-restrictive or std-restrictions-only framework (in the latter case personal fears always ended up dictating acceptable risk levels anyhow, just in unacknowledged form). I am happy and secure, though. I have not felt both secure and fulfilled in a relationship for a long time.
I'm even starting to be interested in outside ventures myself, by myself, and it really has been awhile. It's odd to do something like this from the place of being totally satisfied in my current relationship, because everything else seems like so much work for so little potential payoff that i just don't bother. Things have been coming up that seem respectful of my current relationship with Angus (a 100% must for me to find anyone attractive) and safe and comfy to explore AND potentially easy to get into, so I will try doing some of that. Some things that have been barriers with people so far: I don't want to educate anyone on STDs, I want them to be knowledgeable on their own; I don't want to be someone's source of emotional support just cause we're having sex, though I don't mind being ONE of MANY sources of joy in someone's life; I don't want to be anyone's guiding light/mentor/role model, I prefer people who relate to me from a place of equal personal power and competency, though of course they don't have to be competent in the same things I am; I am not going to fall in love with anyone except Angus so anyone who waits for it just makes me feel like a big meanie; I don't like feeling that I'm offering a scarce commodity in someone's life, merely that I'm having some sort of fun and perhaps special bond with someone on some level, perhaps only physical; people who can't stand up for themselves don't interest me.
That came out a bit like a rant, but I suppose it's about time, mm?
In other news, the honeymoon is over at work. Boss is still great, hours are super flexible, I enjoy the work-- but my co-worker is rapidly getting impossible to the point where I've been taking days off to avoid those awful nine-to-ten hour stretches with her and her new puppy/ Need to talk to my boss about that. Not sure how.
Rats are all wonderful, except those who are dead. I've got a bunch of boys over two years now, and am breeding them -- Paris has had some spectacular litters and I've got another few lined up for Quartz and Bullet -- so I'm heading towards the longevity part of my breeding goals, and personalities are to die for, so we're just trying to sort out colours and markings on the way. I keep sucking at that, because I love love love love love the super asymmetrical face spots and the lightning blazes and the high-white dals/mismarked BEWS and so I breed them and they are not show-happy markings.
My rats have declined to have the waves of babies I was hoping for this summer, though I keep trying. There is a waiting list ready. I am also (temporarily) down to four martins cages from 5. Amazing, no?
I have been taking hooping class from Juggler's new girlfriend (maybe not so new as all that) and it makes me so happy. It's something I can do-- well and happily-- and she is a marvelous teacher. She was gone for one class and had a friend stand in, and while the friend was competent enough, she didn't have that spark. I am so pleased Juggler is with this person, and so pleased I am taking these classes. They're actually worth paying money to commit myself one night a week, and that's saying something. Normally the only thing I can commit one night per week to is plants. After going to an outdoor wedding party last weekend I've discovered that I need a hoop that can go in the car though. It's good to have a new hobby.
With work especially I've been noticing sexism/rigid media-role-ism around me a lot a lot lately. There are a bunch of pictures of improbable-looking girls in bikinis up in the shop (I'm sure they wouldn't mind if I put up beefcake pics, but that's not the point) and the creeping awareness of not only the maintenance/construction divide or the pay gap but also just my very strange and unusual: lack of homophobia, gender and sexual orientation stereotyping; drinking habits (or lack thereof); high comfort levels with nudity; lesser objectification of the sexes; greater acceptance of real bodies; weird moral uprightness about breaking negotiated boundaries and just generally not giving a fuck what people do with their bits consensually as long as they're safe physically and emotionally about it. I am just not culturally at home. My co-worker does not help with this. She has actually said things in all seriousness like "real men should be able to assemble dirt bikes from scratch and know how to ride them" and "women should douche at least every day to be clean" among other gems too numerous to list. Every once in awhile she'll say something that makes me feel physically ill, and the worst part of that is that she's often talking about her own body and what she needs to not eat or how much weight she needs to lose.
Today she said something along the lines of: she wasn't safe with her boyfriend this weekend, but it doesn't matter because her period was going to happen in a week or so. When I told her that wasn't really an assurance of it being a safe time not to get pregnant, she said she was 'probably sterile anyhow or at least she would tell herself that'.
She has a lot of admirable qualities, but not 40-50 hours per week of admirable qualities with no one else present.
So that's been stressful. And when work is stressful right now, my whole life is, cause that's taking up so so much of my time. That's why hooping class is so good. I've been considering trying to do a media blackout weekend with Angus-- he's got his email on his cellphone now, so he's always checking the damned thing --and so I can just feel the grass under my feet again. I need to get into the ocean. I think I may need to seduce someone (which, given my above rant, takes some doing). I need to have a night of swapping reading poems aloud to someone.
Thank gods for my new roommates, who are perfectly comfy with nudity in the house or the back yard, and indulge themselves. They picnic in the nearby park and steal cherries from the neighbour two doors down. It's lovely.
I also had a perfect solstice night.
So this has ended up being a state-of-the-Greenie post, I guess, and less the contemplative thing I had thought to begin. It's been needed, though. More sometime in the future-- I'm taking some four-day work weeks till sanity returns, and I'm contemplating getting the iphone, so there may be opportunity.
Anyone coming to the mission folk fest with me?
![[identity profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/openid.png){kind=small}
Folk Fest
Date: 2009-06-28 05:52 am (UTC)My mom sold the place across the river and bought one not far from the old house, just a couple blocks west of Stave. We'll be staying there instead of camping this year, which will have pros and cons.
Sweet and snarky
Date: 2009-06-29 06:05 pm (UTC)Glad some things are going well - I think the ratties with the spots and blazes are the cutest as well.
Interesting - ThatGuy and I are in a comfortable place, but are coming to realize that we have little time/energy/desire to find other relationships. He was trying so hard for a while on dating sites that his frustration was bleeding through to me. We're still open if the opportunity presents itself, but I'm not actively searching anything out.
I think it's interesting that you state that you *won't* fall in love with anyone but Angus. Is that something to be avoided?
XOX