Making Sense
Mar. 18th, 2010 08:13 am![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
greenstormI don't know if I've ever done such a livejournal excavation before. Usually I leave the past in the past. There were some very interesting points though.
I kept going after posting those links, popping in over the course of the day to skim a little further and then a little further. I noticed -- just suddenly -- that Angus and I have slipped into my normal relationship pattern, where there's a lot of caregiving and encouraging wholesome things and whatnot going on. When we started this whole thing it was novel for me because it was quite the opposite of that. He'd encourage me to go out and eat sugar, I'd encourage him to eat bread, we'd fuck until we collapsed and skip dinner and work as little as possible to do more of the same. I was like, "I love you" and instead of rolling over he was like, "well tough, I need to figure things out and I'll sleep with whoever I want." I was like, "you want something from me you won't give me back? Not a chance."
And we're going to be living together, his illness has got worse, and our softness and caring for each other has intensified. So we don't just tell each other 'tough' and do what we want-- we negotiate, yadda yadda, input, compromise, ad nauseum. With both names on a lease, fiscal responsibility will come into it too. So this relationship is a whole different creature from what it was -- two years ago at about this time we weren't officially a relationship even -- and so while in my mind Angus is a mostly-unchanging part of my life, he really isn't in this way. And you know, he's my home and my centre -- I've sort of ceded a whole lot of emotional support to him, less than I generally do in relationships but still -- and I'm still walking around with the idea that his closest rival is singledom which at this point in my life feels like it would be awesome just because of the sheer amount of self-determination available. I just haven't wanted him to go elsewhere while I embark on an epic life of hippie-organic-gardening-for-barely-any-money-in-the-boonies or whatever.
So I think there's actually a lot shifting there, on top of everything else, and that helps explain why I've been feeling disconnected from everything lately.
It probably is a secondary explanation for why few-strings-attached liaisons feel so dangerous, too. Until home base is secure, it really is playing with mixed metaphors... I mean fire. I mean, okay, last time I decided I liked a person I had a case of wet panties for I also freaked out, but this was extra-special freak-out week. I'd like to know unequivocally why I feel so threatened by and apologetic for liking or loving anyone. For the first two and a half years I felt like I had to say 'I'm sorry' every time I told Angus that I loved him. I don't remember that with Kynnin. Must have developed in between.
And look, I'm thinking and writing with relative clarity again, that emotional storm seems to have settled down. Instead of poking at old ljs, I'm searching for rowing machines on craigslist cause I kinda want one for my new place.
Sleeping more than six hours a night the last two nights might have helped with that, come to think of it. Since I (still and always) wake up at 6 (which is now 7 thank god) and don't have to be at work (fifteen minutes away) till 9 I was just assuming I could sleep in, failing, and not getting enough pillow time.
Ya live, ya learn. Circadian rhythms are non-negotiable for me. Maybe in the new place where there's less natural light :P
In other news, I really need to go out and get my iphone already. I've been putting it off for so long cause it's a pain the butt to do. Blah blah ID blah blah money blah blah choose a plan talk forever fill in shit in a mall blah.
(wait, have I titled this post 'making sense'?)
Dinner with Eva tonight, which will be cool. Friday is bike auction preview, and I wanna see if I can get some time in at the swings in Stanley Park one of these days. It's 'supposed' to be sunny through to Sat, then rain Sunday, which means that my ability to go swinging Saturday morning in the sunshine is anyone's guess.
Enough of this. Time to put on clothes and haul myself out the door to work. Be well, enjoy this sunshine! I will be.
I kept going after posting those links, popping in over the course of the day to skim a little further and then a little further. I noticed -- just suddenly -- that Angus and I have slipped into my normal relationship pattern, where there's a lot of caregiving and encouraging wholesome things and whatnot going on. When we started this whole thing it was novel for me because it was quite the opposite of that. He'd encourage me to go out and eat sugar, I'd encourage him to eat bread, we'd fuck until we collapsed and skip dinner and work as little as possible to do more of the same. I was like, "I love you" and instead of rolling over he was like, "well tough, I need to figure things out and I'll sleep with whoever I want." I was like, "you want something from me you won't give me back? Not a chance."
And we're going to be living together, his illness has got worse, and our softness and caring for each other has intensified. So we don't just tell each other 'tough' and do what we want-- we negotiate, yadda yadda, input, compromise, ad nauseum. With both names on a lease, fiscal responsibility will come into it too. So this relationship is a whole different creature from what it was -- two years ago at about this time we weren't officially a relationship even -- and so while in my mind Angus is a mostly-unchanging part of my life, he really isn't in this way. And you know, he's my home and my centre -- I've sort of ceded a whole lot of emotional support to him, less than I generally do in relationships but still -- and I'm still walking around with the idea that his closest rival is singledom which at this point in my life feels like it would be awesome just because of the sheer amount of self-determination available. I just haven't wanted him to go elsewhere while I embark on an epic life of hippie-organic-gardening-for-barely-any-money-in-the-boonies or whatever.
So I think there's actually a lot shifting there, on top of everything else, and that helps explain why I've been feeling disconnected from everything lately.
It probably is a secondary explanation for why few-strings-attached liaisons feel so dangerous, too. Until home base is secure, it really is playing with mixed metaphors... I mean fire. I mean, okay, last time I decided I liked a person I had a case of wet panties for I also freaked out, but this was extra-special freak-out week. I'd like to know unequivocally why I feel so threatened by and apologetic for liking or loving anyone. For the first two and a half years I felt like I had to say 'I'm sorry' every time I told Angus that I loved him. I don't remember that with Kynnin. Must have developed in between.
And look, I'm thinking and writing with relative clarity again, that emotional storm seems to have settled down. Instead of poking at old ljs, I'm searching for rowing machines on craigslist cause I kinda want one for my new place.
Sleeping more than six hours a night the last two nights might have helped with that, come to think of it. Since I (still and always) wake up at 6 (which is now 7 thank god) and don't have to be at work (fifteen minutes away) till 9 I was just assuming I could sleep in, failing, and not getting enough pillow time.
Ya live, ya learn. Circadian rhythms are non-negotiable for me. Maybe in the new place where there's less natural light :P
In other news, I really need to go out and get my iphone already. I've been putting it off for so long cause it's a pain the butt to do. Blah blah ID blah blah money blah blah choose a plan talk forever fill in shit in a mall blah.
(wait, have I titled this post 'making sense'?)
Dinner with Eva tonight, which will be cool. Friday is bike auction preview, and I wanna see if I can get some time in at the swings in Stanley Park one of these days. It's 'supposed' to be sunny through to Sat, then rain Sunday, which means that my ability to go swinging Saturday morning in the sunshine is anyone's guess.
Enough of this. Time to put on clothes and haul myself out the door to work. Be well, enjoy this sunshine! I will be.
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no subject
Date: 2010-03-18 04:03 pm (UTC)In fact I cringe at the realization that I won't be able to give my kids the same experience -- my father's a dentist with the workplace downstairs from where the family lives, so he was and is always in reach, and my mom is a dedicated housewife. The way things are evolving now, I'll have some sort of academic job at some university, which will more likely be in a different city than not, and Chili hopes to land an editing position with a publishing house. Our situation is great, actually, but the routine of family life I am used to simply won't work. I realize it's all improvisation anyway, and was for my parents as well, but it's jarring to see one's preconceptions laid bare like that.
Also, iPhone? Nooooo! It's so shiny, so tempting! But I will remain strong, and go into the West, and remain Galadri-- waitaminnit.