From Space

[greenstorm]

Oh look, a keyboard. It feels so good to have this blank page in front of me. In my teens, when I wrote on paper, there was an electric sort of feeling to an empty page when I sat down to it; if I hadn't written in awhile it was especially compelling. Now I have that same feeling with my old laptop brick and notepad open; this'll end up on lj through a momentary tether, but right now there's no internet on this thing and that makes it somehow as desireable as blank paper, and my fingers remember how to write this way more easily than on paper nowadays.

It's been a long time. It's been a long time since I had a whole day which, though there are things in it (returning rats from quarantine, breakfast with a friend, maybe taking Angus to Kick-Ass the movie) had many white spaces in which I could pour myself out into words.

You often read that an ecologist, or a permaculturalist, is interested more in the relationships between things than in the things themselves. That's me, alright. That was my relationship to writing. I want to go into some detail on my relationship to people, especially when it involves kink and sex, and then my relationship to relationships. The word 'poly' has been popping up more and more often in my life again, and that can take some exploring.

You know, really the thing about caring about people is that your loyalties are by definition divided. I never did get the hang of that. I'm a perfectionist. It's only in the last two or three years that I realised that not only is it not possible for one person to be there for someone absolutely all the time, but that it's okay. I
've also learned, more and more, that I'm very good at being there for myself. I know what I want more than most people most of the time, I'm good at delivering, I generally am a good and sympathetic listener, and I know when I want to problem-solve or when I just want to hold myself and have a good cry.

In the last three years, since I got together with Angus initially, I've become more and more self-reliant. I don't know why I chose this time for it; maybe after Bob taught me that it was okay for someone to love me without divided loyalties, without being a jerk or unreliable, I figured out that I was worth it. Then Angus came along, and although it's not the only factor his illness is a big contributor to finding my own feet. Sometimes you just can't lean on someone, and if the choice is to find someone to lean on or to stand on your own, well-- look, here's a choice I've made in favour of my own feet for once.

I've been spending time with people again-- it's been awhile since my social calendar has been this dense, ditching my commute to North Van was a very good idea and leaves me with a lot more freedom. More to the point, I've been liking people again. They're no longer something I do because I'm supposed to, instead they're something I enjoy. I've done all this stuff lately-- rat show, spring mysteries, movie nights and imprompteau get-togethers and even, god forbid, dating and playing a little. And maybe it's because I have the time, maybe it's because I'm not completely burnt out and run down to the end of my energy, but these people are beautiful again, and many for the first time to my eyes.

I don't know what to do with it, because it's been so long. I'm sure if I Walked around saying, 'you know, you're completely awesome' I'd get slapped or something, and it wouldn't convey the point anyhow. It may be that, like any other kind of love, this is one of those inexpressible things, and I have to get used to that. It may be that, like any other kind of love, it wears itself a comfy groove and only rises up in sharp waves sometimes. It may be only a temporary feeling for me.

It's a good feeling, though. You know, I like liking people.

And that leads me into peril, a little bit. I've been sex goddessing lately (ovulation has not helped). I haven't been sleeping enough and I want to sleep less. I have things I need to maintain in my life that don't involve people. I have things I like to do that don't involve people. I don't want these things to fall by the wayside.

Oh, divided loyalties, you of all things I had not missed.

Last night I was at a table, and I used the word poly, and suddenly I was in a storm of questions. The night before I was at a movie, and I was doing some very light play with a guy, and I realised I was not in a poly context but his girlfriend was right there and it seemed to be okay so I was just running with it. Both situations are a little weird for me. I have definitely left the poly primary/secondary/tertiary jargon-thick world behind. I don't want to spend much time with people whose major hobby is poly, and that's basically the thing that takes up all their free time. I adore spending time with people who love something so much that they get off their asses and do it. At the same time I'm very verbal and analytical and I want a check-in in that direction most of the time.

All complicated, of course, by still loving the seduction, and by having my dance card overflowing at the moment.

Speaking of dance cards, and of people, and situations and of loving, I have a situation on my hands. I'm a little hesitant to write about it, it's a situation I walked into with open eyes, and it's pretty stable-seeming just at the moment. It's completely a contributing factor to my emotional peaks and troughs lately, in some shape or another it was inevitable, you're just gonna laugh and say 'well, duh' when I finally come out with it.

Which I won't do just now. Soon, but not now.

Suddenly I'm in less of a mood to write about my plant-sale booty (Eva, I have an Eva's Purple Ball tomato plant for you this year!) (oh wait, did I mention the PRICKLY PEAR CACTUS I got?) (okay, maybe plants really can take my mind off anything) or about how much I'm looking forward to Gavin getting here for good finally, or about watching Angus getting his feet wet in this area, or how wonderful it feels to have a home with my bed in it again, or how I'm getting back to sewing a bit, or how I have some good rats right about now. Well, okay, the plant thing really did lift my mood.

I'm gonna find some breakfast and a shower. I may well write more later today. The page is full now, and it felt good. Then again, maybe I'll go down to the stanley park swings and wade in the ocean in the rain.

Possibilities are opening up in my life. It is delicious.

Comments

[shivana.livejournal.com]

This was really neat to read. Thank you.

[eva00.livejournal.com]

Eeee! I have never had a me tomato!