Lonely Lately

[greenstorm]

Well, I'm lonely lately. I spend time with people and enjoy it, but -- you know, I spent a number of years feeling bereft even just when someone was in bed next to me but asleep and inaccessible. I've been in that spot a few times in the last couple of weeks. At the same time I've also felt overpeopled here and there-- especially today at work, but even occasionally around people I really like or love.

Just... I don't know. I'm not unhappy, but I am uncomfortable. This year I have dedicated myself to going into all my dark corners, looking at them, and instead of running and screaming and saying 'this has gotta change right now' just-- looking, and living with them for a bit, to see where they're at. If something obviously needs changing, sure, but that's not the point.

Shit disturbing should always start with oneself anyhow.

I think I'm lonelier in company than out of it, sometimes. I'm not sure why this should be so.

I'm very much looking forward to this weekend, which will be full of friends both well-known and less-known, people with lots of variety and warmth to them. I suppose I'm best, unsurprisingly, either with a lot of social stuff going on or with almost none-- I don't take well to middle ground, never have really. The closest I get is occupying both extremes at the same time.

Enough of that. I'm lonely, I'm recording this fact.

Comments

[petter-haggholm.livejournal.com]

I think I'm lonelier in company than out of it, sometimes. I'm not sure why this should be so.

Doesn’t sound weird to me. It’s possible to feel lonely when alone (duh) or in company—when the conversation excludes you, even if accidentally, or when some quirk of circumstances or mood or whatever prevents you from feeling ‘connected’ from the people around you. I always feel worse when lonely around other people because there’s a sense of exclusion (though it may be no one’s fault).