Crazy x 3

[greenstorm]

I am so incredibly busy.

Part of this busy is just downtime-busy, where I spend time freaking out and being taken care of. It's time in which I can do nothing else, so it counts as busy.

Part of this busy is homework, which requires mental presence in some cases. It can only happen when I'm awake and in chunks of a couple of hours. I must be somewhat fed and in a relatively clear emotional state for it.

Part of this is just putting time in at work and school-- 9-10 hours a day of being-at-places, plus another hour and a half total commute or so. That's, say, 11 hours of every weekday except Friday where I cannot be doing anything else.

Part of this is trying for basic human needs-- physical contact, food, sex, sleep.

Part of this is trying to be social, to have contact with, you know, friends. I need a certain amount of conversation and interaction with known quantities in my life.

There's not a lot left over.

Yesterday I was hanging out with kindelingboy and all I could do was cry. I mean, I'd stop for a little bit and feel better, then it would come at me again. It was a crazy irrational day. I can always guess at what brings these up-- you know, I'm busy, I'm trying something hard, I've achieved if you like a new level in goalsetting and in my ability to meet those goals, and so all my baggage comes parading up; that or maybe the wheel's turned and I'm back in school, back in poly, back in so many places that my powerlessness is also back --but no solid answers. Anyhow, I made it through the day, had a good evening, and there you go. It's the craziest I've been in awhile, and that's always scary, though.

This morning I've been doing math homework and it makes me crazy. This is a different kind of crazy. Math and coding both rewire my spatial circuits so that when I move afterwards-- lift my hands to type or get up and walk around --I feel like I'm watching a movie, not like I'm inside my body at all. It's as if someone put an intermediary device composed of ropes and pulleys and a video camera between me and my body. It feels a little bit like being sorta drunk. Further, my language circuits break a little, the editor/checker that unconsciously sits behind my tongue is gone. I pause whenever I say something to try and remember if it makes sense, if that's how it should be said. I don't think before I talk. I'm trying to come down from that right now. It's an odd feeling. It kicks in after about 2 1/2 hours of focusing, so it at least doesn't bug me if I take things slowly.

And finally, I'm doing it. I'm doing the school thing. It's happening. I'm gonna keep doing it. That's a special kind of crazy-- Friday I was so tired there was no point in sitting down even, it was one of those. Friday night I couldn't sleep. Saturday was crying day. Now it's Sunday and I have math-brain and a dinner party tonight. Every time my ecology teacher asks me how I am as I walk into class, though, I remember that I'm going to be spending time in this incredible world of things I love, I smile big, and I say "fantastic!" because it's suddenly true.

Here's to the adventure and to all the kinds of crazy I am to keep doing it!