Blood Un-Let
Nov. 17th, 2010 09:44 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
greenstormWell, here we are in the dark time of the month. My mood has a tendency, when I'm not really on top of self-care, to thunk like a lead weight and I'll be damned if I always have the energy to lift it up again. I can do things because they make me productive, but I can't do things to take care of myself.
One thing I've been having trouble with lately is food. I have trouble cooking for myself. That type of self-nurturing works poorly. Don't get me wrong, I'll cook-- but then I won't eat the food, I'll give it to someone or put it in a container and rush off intending to eat it later. If I have food, I'll do things rather than eat it. I've been relatively good over the past couple days, but last week I was really bad with it.
At this point my body's waving flags. Instead of giving me hunger-feelings, which I ignore, or stomach pains, which again I disregard, if I miss a mealtime by two or more hours I start to feel lightheaded and nauseous.
One of my solutions to my eating thing has been to line up people to eat with. I will eat socially. I will also cook and eat for myself when I'm relaxed and have the luxury of time to shop for fresh foods and cook something fun and interesting, or if I can afford to eat out, so if I can hit a produce store on the way home I'm usually good. Problem is, those tend to close before I can get to them, and I'm pretty tired after a day at work/class.
I've been meaning to check out local CSAs. Those seem like they'd be inspiring. There's one through school that's super reasonably priced but only happens once every two weeks and not at a time I can easily get there (not designed for night students, that's for sure). There are some urban ones that seem exciting, and I'm sure there are winter ones around.
Even aside from food, though, I'm aware enough this time around to know just how out of whack everything is. There are spells of pretty intense paranoia, usually just momentary, and that sense that I can't accomplish anything or that nothing I do means anything or serves any purpose. There's floating anger and irritation. There's ...agoraphobia? the strong desire not to leave extremely familiar areas.
I hate that this happens to me. The winter isn't helping-- my skin is dry and uncomfy, I'm allergic to things touching my skin (oh, cold and pressure, how I hate thee), and I've fun out of vitamin D. Need to get on that one.
On the other hand, the people around me are sweet and patient, things are going well at home, school is trucking along, and I have a freezerful of meat for the month.
One thing I've been having trouble with lately is food. I have trouble cooking for myself. That type of self-nurturing works poorly. Don't get me wrong, I'll cook-- but then I won't eat the food, I'll give it to someone or put it in a container and rush off intending to eat it later. If I have food, I'll do things rather than eat it. I've been relatively good over the past couple days, but last week I was really bad with it.
At this point my body's waving flags. Instead of giving me hunger-feelings, which I ignore, or stomach pains, which again I disregard, if I miss a mealtime by two or more hours I start to feel lightheaded and nauseous.
One of my solutions to my eating thing has been to line up people to eat with. I will eat socially. I will also cook and eat for myself when I'm relaxed and have the luxury of time to shop for fresh foods and cook something fun and interesting, or if I can afford to eat out, so if I can hit a produce store on the way home I'm usually good. Problem is, those tend to close before I can get to them, and I'm pretty tired after a day at work/class.
I've been meaning to check out local CSAs. Those seem like they'd be inspiring. There's one through school that's super reasonably priced but only happens once every two weeks and not at a time I can easily get there (not designed for night students, that's for sure). There are some urban ones that seem exciting, and I'm sure there are winter ones around.
Even aside from food, though, I'm aware enough this time around to know just how out of whack everything is. There are spells of pretty intense paranoia, usually just momentary, and that sense that I can't accomplish anything or that nothing I do means anything or serves any purpose. There's floating anger and irritation. There's ...agoraphobia? the strong desire not to leave extremely familiar areas.
I hate that this happens to me. The winter isn't helping-- my skin is dry and uncomfy, I'm allergic to things touching my skin (oh, cold and pressure, how I hate thee), and I've fun out of vitamin D. Need to get on that one.
On the other hand, the people around me are sweet and patient, things are going well at home, school is trucking along, and I have a freezerful of meat for the month.
