(no subject)

[greenstorm]

Ohhhh bitterness. It comes in waves like every part of grief.

Like not feeling good enough.

I'm lucky it's exam time. Much as it seems like bad timing, I'm keeping busy and this is a big part of my identity-- I love knowing things, playing with knowledge, being intellectually challenged.

I am lucky we didn't go through a new years' together. That would have made it harder.

I'm worried about him. He's prone to lows and he may well be in one right now. On the other hand, I'm bitterly jealous when he seems to be happy without me. Still, I'm running with the first set of emotions and just sitting with the second. It'll pass.

I'm already impatient to be over it and on with my life-- at least when it's not late night or early morning, when I could be texting him goodnight or waking up beside him, and when it's not that little space between work and class that I used to steal to spend with him.

Also:

I spoke of the beauty of your face
yesterday and today, not often but always;
and I will speak of the beauty of your spirit
and death will not say it is idle talk.

-Somhairle MacGill-Eain