Worlds

[greenstorm]

The other day I asked him if he'd be comfortable if I fooled around with a friend of ours. This is the second person I've asked him about. "Fooled around with" is code for me; it's things you can do with your fingers, sometimes things you can do with your mouths, but in the land where it's still about friends and following your body and being generally ridiculous. It's not fucking and it's not kissing; I'd say I save those those for people I love but it's not as conscious a decision as that sounds: my body rejects those with almost everyone. This is especially true of kissing, what people call "making out" and do at parties and what feels like anything from uncomfortable to disgusting with almost every other human being for me.

This digression is totally beside the point, which is that he said I really do live in another world. (Aside, I suppose, from the different world we each carry with us).

I do. I agree. But here's the thing: I then asked if he was okay, and he said: yes, just a little jealous.

Words choked me there. I could have said how strong you must be to own those emotions, inconvenient jealousy, even the not-love you feel for me, to admit to them so easily and with such certainty. I could have said I've rarely been so proud of anyone in my life and it's probably no big thing to you. I could have said all my life I've been trying to get someone- a lover, a lover's lover- to admit to jealousy in a relationship and no one's managed to before you. I would have said, but didn't want to sound facetious, you live in another world too, and half the time I wish I was there with you.

I live in a different world, and today I feel cast out of everyone's world. PAX isn't till September, but already conversations revolve around it. The SMF cast party is this weekend and I'm abstaining: even if I got a day off this weekend it feels like a dramafest waiting to happen. I don't have the time to sink into all those little things around school that will enable me to feel at home with my classmates. And work has always been largely solitary.

I also feel, as I do more often nowadays, in sympathy with myself. I can choose to treat myself as chattel to be driven on towards a goal, or I can choose to treat myself as a best friend. You don't say to your best friend get the fuck over it and be productive, you say have a cup of tea, it's a pretty rough time for you right now, isn't it? and you give yourself snuggles. You don't drive your best friend towards an arbitrary ideological goal, you say do what makes you happy, not miserable. I'm hoping that sympathy will eventually lead me to be able to admit these things aloud: I'm jealous (especially about your video games, it hurts but it's not the end of the world, I want you to be happy too but hold me for a little bit please? oh wait, you always do, I just forget in-between that you're not the people who ignored me all night in favour of inhuman boxes), I'm afraid (that you'll leave me, sure, but more that you'll keep me around because you don't have the decency to push yourself into a little bit of mental discomfort and tell me to go when it's time or that you're too unrealistic about time to know that nothing just happens without effort and that if you don't put effort into the timing I can't do it all for us), I'm sad (because no boy, or girl, or other person will ever be able to save me from these melancholy moods regardless of how much I love them and so it's all me now)...

This is messy and incoherent. I'm a mess today. I want to write but I can't. I had trouble eating and only sidestepped it with fast-food fries which are not real food at all so my throat will take them down into itself.

I still feel wonder and pride and curiosity about the differences between our worlds, though. I'd like to show you around mine a bit.

I'm friends-only-ing this; I rarely do that but it's a little bit of someone else's privacy. Hm. Worlds. (Unlocked now that it's buried)

Posted via LiveJournal app for iPhone.

Comments

[andi-sunrider.livejournal.com]

I'm sad that we won't get to hang out on a car ride:( I miss you after seeing you at SMF!

Those things are hard for me to admit out loud, too. so thank you for saying them....

And will definitely work on treating myself as a best friend, that's such a good idea....