Dark Spaces
Dec. 13th, 2013 08:28 am![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
greenstormIf the year is any kind of metaphor at all this is the bottom of it.
I'm dragging my demons down towards the darkest days. I feel like nothing but a collection of screaming broken things. It's chaos in here; I try the carrot, I try the stick, still it's just one long careening jostling flight and I am being taken somewhere. I am not doing the taking right now, not driving this chariot but instead being driven and steering only when I'm not too busy holding on.
I was so proud of myself just a few weeks ago for driving with such a firm hand. It was good then.
Now.
Well, now I remember there are times when I can't always be in flight from these things. There are times when I have to practice surrender, when I have to accept and listen because that dark seething mass is me. Somewhere in there is the whisper of what I want, of what I should do. Unless I sit quiet with all this I can't hear it and I have no direction to go.
It's just so hard to stop running, to sit down and open my arms to these things. I hurt people; I want the wrong things too hard and I don't want the right things at all; I am not enough for anyone unless I am too much for them. I love things that pass away into the darkness forever and eventually become lost even to memory.
Before, my counselor asked how it would feel if I could move through the world not worried about letting people down and giving them what they needed, if I could just worry about what I wanted and needed. It took me a long time to answer him, because I was busy crying. It honestly had not occurred to me before. I feel like I need someone else's help to find that balance, to begin to know where it's alright to leave someone's needs and where it's not. Should it be a negotiation each time?
There are weeks of darkness yet before the sun returns; long enough to look this thing right in the face. First, though, work and getting through this weekend.
I'm dragging my demons down towards the darkest days. I feel like nothing but a collection of screaming broken things. It's chaos in here; I try the carrot, I try the stick, still it's just one long careening jostling flight and I am being taken somewhere. I am not doing the taking right now, not driving this chariot but instead being driven and steering only when I'm not too busy holding on.
I was so proud of myself just a few weeks ago for driving with such a firm hand. It was good then.
Now.
Well, now I remember there are times when I can't always be in flight from these things. There are times when I have to practice surrender, when I have to accept and listen because that dark seething mass is me. Somewhere in there is the whisper of what I want, of what I should do. Unless I sit quiet with all this I can't hear it and I have no direction to go.
It's just so hard to stop running, to sit down and open my arms to these things. I hurt people; I want the wrong things too hard and I don't want the right things at all; I am not enough for anyone unless I am too much for them. I love things that pass away into the darkness forever and eventually become lost even to memory.
Before, my counselor asked how it would feel if I could move through the world not worried about letting people down and giving them what they needed, if I could just worry about what I wanted and needed. It took me a long time to answer him, because I was busy crying. It honestly had not occurred to me before. I feel like I need someone else's help to find that balance, to begin to know where it's alright to leave someone's needs and where it's not. Should it be a negotiation each time?
There are weeks of darkness yet before the sun returns; long enough to look this thing right in the face. First, though, work and getting through this weekend.
