The land is my heart
Jun. 27th, 2019 09:38 am![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
greenstormI've been away from home for work for a couple days. There are many things afoot at work, but in general it's all going very well. There are going to be some major changes at my company. Everyone here is optimistic about it, but--
--after the company put out the announcement I got a message from a friend who had been visiting a forestry greenhouse down near Canim Lake. The owner wanted to use the seedling nursery to support a permaculture one. I'd visited them the summer I worked in the area, and we'd had a lovely time discussing permaculture, how things grow, wells, the cost of heating greenhouses, where the forestry industry was going, etc etc. They want to sell now, and they remembered me well enough to ask my friend to pass on their email address to me. It's a functioning business, it makes money, it has greenhouse and well infrastructure...
I.
.
You know, I've always been poly. When I was seven years old and reading books and putting myself into relationship with the characters, it was always with more than one at once (although generally parallel rather than kitchen table, but that's a different post). One thing poly means for me is always missing someone. There's always someone who isn't there. And that's hard, but it's worth it because I get to have so many people.
I don't know if I could make this nursery work. I have no idea. It's a gorgeous piece of land by the most lovely waterfall you can imagine and I would have my hands in the dirt all the time. I don't like running businesses, I don't like the sense that there's only myself to blame if things go badly.
I just planted so many apple trees here, and the work piece that I've been having trouble with might well get better.
I don't get two pieces of land. I don't get two lives. I don't want to move.
But I kind of want this. And I want what I have, of course, it would be a significant grief and loss either way.
But.
I.
Can you imagine me going to 12-year-old Greenie who's just spent a couple years pickaxing subsoil and wheelbarrowing manure from way downhill in the paddock to grow tomatoes, and who has saved up her allowance so she can give the money to mom to write a cheque and buy seeds from the catalogue... Can you imagine me going to that self and saying I could run a nursery but I turned it down because it felt risky?
I keep wanting to cry. I don't know if I've ever written about this, but I had a transformational event once at a pagan festival. The culmination of the rite (for me at least) involved whispering into the air. I was supposed to whisper the thing I most wanted. I basically couldn't, because I had so much shame and fear around wanting it, but my lips shaped "I want to be a farmer". I never did stop crying that night.
I worked through it, I know the job I want isn't one I can do for enough money to keep me alive. I accept it and I've more or less put that to bed. I can voice it now, at least, and not spend the day crying.
That feeling is surfacing now, the crying, the shame around wanting a thing. The inability to voice it. I fear that if I look straight at wanting the thing I'll decide to do it. Maybe I'll lose it? Maybe I'll get it? They all equally fill me with that feeling that my heart is drowning in tears, that I am at risk of losing the constraints that keep me separate from what I want.
I don't know what to do. I should email them.
My heart is doing so many things right now.
--after the company put out the announcement I got a message from a friend who had been visiting a forestry greenhouse down near Canim Lake. The owner wanted to use the seedling nursery to support a permaculture one. I'd visited them the summer I worked in the area, and we'd had a lovely time discussing permaculture, how things grow, wells, the cost of heating greenhouses, where the forestry industry was going, etc etc. They want to sell now, and they remembered me well enough to ask my friend to pass on their email address to me. It's a functioning business, it makes money, it has greenhouse and well infrastructure...
I.
.
You know, I've always been poly. When I was seven years old and reading books and putting myself into relationship with the characters, it was always with more than one at once (although generally parallel rather than kitchen table, but that's a different post). One thing poly means for me is always missing someone. There's always someone who isn't there. And that's hard, but it's worth it because I get to have so many people.
I don't know if I could make this nursery work. I have no idea. It's a gorgeous piece of land by the most lovely waterfall you can imagine and I would have my hands in the dirt all the time. I don't like running businesses, I don't like the sense that there's only myself to blame if things go badly.
I just planted so many apple trees here, and the work piece that I've been having trouble with might well get better.
I don't get two pieces of land. I don't get two lives. I don't want to move.
But I kind of want this. And I want what I have, of course, it would be a significant grief and loss either way.
But.
I.
Can you imagine me going to 12-year-old Greenie who's just spent a couple years pickaxing subsoil and wheelbarrowing manure from way downhill in the paddock to grow tomatoes, and who has saved up her allowance so she can give the money to mom to write a cheque and buy seeds from the catalogue... Can you imagine me going to that self and saying I could run a nursery but I turned it down because it felt risky?
I keep wanting to cry. I don't know if I've ever written about this, but I had a transformational event once at a pagan festival. The culmination of the rite (for me at least) involved whispering into the air. I was supposed to whisper the thing I most wanted. I basically couldn't, because I had so much shame and fear around wanting it, but my lips shaped "I want to be a farmer". I never did stop crying that night.
I worked through it, I know the job I want isn't one I can do for enough money to keep me alive. I accept it and I've more or less put that to bed. I can voice it now, at least, and not spend the day crying.
That feeling is surfacing now, the crying, the shame around wanting a thing. The inability to voice it. I fear that if I look straight at wanting the thing I'll decide to do it. Maybe I'll lose it? Maybe I'll get it? They all equally fill me with that feeling that my heart is drowning in tears, that I am at risk of losing the constraints that keep me separate from what I want.
I don't know what to do. I should email them.
My heart is doing so many things right now.
no subject
Date: 2019-06-30 07:43 am (UTC)