What I didn't know I knew
Jul. 26th, 2019 02:29 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
greenstormCounseling a couple days ago. Always makes me feel better. I think that's a good sign, and also there's an important lesson there I'm learning from this therapist: not all self-work is hard, painful, or difficult. Sometimes learning myself and putting myself together is joyful, sometimes it is peaceful(!), and it's often empowering.
I love Threshold. Just like that. I mean, I've worked for it, I've put so much of my life into that land in the last couple years, but. That's not it. I mean. I love so many people and things, but. I'm allowed. When I walk outside, when I look at the apples swelling or the snow up deep against the house and the gap back into the field through the trees... it's not just work, it's not just a hobby. It's love. It's being in the presence of a loved one. I'm allowed to love Threshold back, and maybe (?) I'm allowed to enjoy loving it (?). Maybe (?) if I love it (!) it won't necessarily have to go away, just because I love it (???).
Well. At least I am allowed to love it right now anyhow.
I guess my comet style of relating will apply to the land too. I'll love fiercely and intensely for awhile, focus on something else, and then swing back around. Because here we are, coming back around. I remember those first days, and the connection is so much richer and deeper now than it was before. I'd been caught up in the animals but here we are at the land again.
I'm not sure if I've ever expressed this, but with every return, with every cycle, a thing grows dearer to me. My love becomes richer, more complex, and more able to see and accept the actual self of the thing I love as in turn I feel more seen.
I'm also allowed to take my gender stuff only as far as I want at the pace I want. I can keep it in a joyous space if I want. I don't have to force it to the point where it's stressful; I can follow when it wants to lead.
Definitely need to keep up with counseling until the money for it runs out.
I love Threshold. Just like that. I mean, I've worked for it, I've put so much of my life into that land in the last couple years, but. That's not it. I mean. I love so many people and things, but. I'm allowed. When I walk outside, when I look at the apples swelling or the snow up deep against the house and the gap back into the field through the trees... it's not just work, it's not just a hobby. It's love. It's being in the presence of a loved one. I'm allowed to love Threshold back, and maybe (?) I'm allowed to enjoy loving it (?). Maybe (?) if I love it (!) it won't necessarily have to go away, just because I love it (???).
Well. At least I am allowed to love it right now anyhow.
I guess my comet style of relating will apply to the land too. I'll love fiercely and intensely for awhile, focus on something else, and then swing back around. Because here we are, coming back around. I remember those first days, and the connection is so much richer and deeper now than it was before. I'd been caught up in the animals but here we are at the land again.
I'm not sure if I've ever expressed this, but with every return, with every cycle, a thing grows dearer to me. My love becomes richer, more complex, and more able to see and accept the actual self of the thing I love as in turn I feel more seen.
I'm also allowed to take my gender stuff only as far as I want at the pace I want. I can keep it in a joyous space if I want. I don't have to force it to the point where it's stressful; I can follow when it wants to lead.
Definitely need to keep up with counseling until the money for it runs out.
