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greenstormSo. Counseling.
I told my counselor about PDA yesterday. They hadn't heard about it before, and also wanted to know what it meant to me, in my daily life, so I spent a lot of time talking about it. They asked some questions about connections to things I'd mentioned previously. And I just kept talking.
And it was joyful. They asked how I felt about it and basically:
I feel so much lighter.
I understand things better. I understand why people don't accommodate me in certain ways and why they don't seem to notice when I accommodate them in ways that would be helpful or thoughtful to me.
People are -so different-. Most people are -so different- from me on a scale I hadn't previously imagined. Like, there are probably many (most?) people for whom wanting something, or wanting to do something, doesn't cause a huge amount of internal pressure and conflict. And I don't mean "wanting to violate society's rules" I mean "wanting to get a glass of water". What would it even feel like to not do internal gymnastics and have to work against internal pressure for every. single. thing? No wonder folks always seem like they have so much energy!
Probably doing societally-mandated stuff is much easier for everyone else than it is for me. Everyone looks at me and says "oh, I wish I could [be poly/not live with my partner/sexuality stuff/follow my passion] like you" and I say "well, you can, you just have to accept the trade-offs" and they say "oh no, it's especially hard for me not to do the normal thing, it's different for me than you, you wouldn't understand" (this is the Universal Conversation), well. It seems like they are probably right, it is different for me than them. I do still have to deal with the consequences of my choices: smaller dating pool, no one understands me, in contravention of legal stuff, blah etc etc. But they don't have to deal with the same consequences because the decision to conform is just not as difficult for them. They might not like it, but it's not like dying every second for them. It's probably worth it for them to be makin those choices and I'm just like the kind of inspirational poster people hang on their walls and ignore than an example of a life path they never thought of before. That's super bitter, but hey.
I feel more at peace with myself: how I am is real. I can accept that better now and get on with building my life.
The only way I'm so functional is because I've built my life this way. I've been driven to create a life of what Harry Thompson calls "freedom" because then I don't have to control everything around me so much. But, without this life I've built I'd be much less functional.
It's annoying that the thing is called "pathological demand avoidance". Like, seriously.
I've often been in situations where my abuse legacy/need to conform so as not to get hurt is in conflict with my demand avoidance. Sometimes that can feel like a hard freeze: nonverbal, feels like moving through molasses when I move my body. The more I resolve my boundaries the less this happens but I can still be caught in moments by little things, especially things I feel like I should do: help with the dishes, put down a book and pay attention to someone.
People who ask me for things, especially in relationship: they're not deliberately asking me for things that are really really really hard. Those things maybe aren't hard for them. They're not trying to be unimaginably demanding. They're not trying to break me.
Asking people for little things without leaving them an "out" is maybe more ok than I thought it was. Making a statement and letting someone approach it as they like, rather than asking pointed questions that require a specific response, is not a kindness but is instead just confusing to folks.
Other folks have created strategies, like two do-to lists or focusing on the larger task to accomplish a smaller part of the task, that are just like the ones I've come up with. I can tap into other folks' strategies, and I can refine my own, now that I have a clearer idea of how my mind works. I don't have to chisel everything out of the unknown myself.
Maybe I can have easier relationship discussions now? I can ask for things clearly since I understand they're not a default, or I understand that they're not intuitive to other folks. And I can be clearer on what I can offer and how I can offer that.
This is why I want so much information from the people I care about. Because they can't ask me for things directly("you never do things I ask you to do", ouch) I have to know what's important so I can do it on my own (for instance, I can do dishes on the nights I'm not asked because I know it's important, but not on the nights when I'm asked).
So many lightning bolts going off everywhere.
I'm not failing to do all this stuff because I just don't have enough willpower or whatever. Stuff is just genuinely different for me, and now I have a roadmap to it.
Joyful.
I am so glad to have this counselor, and to be able to access them. I don't feel pathologized despite coming up with a thing that literally says pathological. And I can share that joy and find help in how to keep crafting my life. How amazing is that? How many people have someone really in their corner?
I told my counselor about PDA yesterday. They hadn't heard about it before, and also wanted to know what it meant to me, in my daily life, so I spent a lot of time talking about it. They asked some questions about connections to things I'd mentioned previously. And I just kept talking.
And it was joyful. They asked how I felt about it and basically:
I feel so much lighter.
I understand things better. I understand why people don't accommodate me in certain ways and why they don't seem to notice when I accommodate them in ways that would be helpful or thoughtful to me.
People are -so different-. Most people are -so different- from me on a scale I hadn't previously imagined. Like, there are probably many (most?) people for whom wanting something, or wanting to do something, doesn't cause a huge amount of internal pressure and conflict. And I don't mean "wanting to violate society's rules" I mean "wanting to get a glass of water". What would it even feel like to not do internal gymnastics and have to work against internal pressure for every. single. thing? No wonder folks always seem like they have so much energy!
Probably doing societally-mandated stuff is much easier for everyone else than it is for me. Everyone looks at me and says "oh, I wish I could [be poly/not live with my partner/sexuality stuff/follow my passion] like you" and I say "well, you can, you just have to accept the trade-offs" and they say "oh no, it's especially hard for me not to do the normal thing, it's different for me than you, you wouldn't understand" (this is the Universal Conversation), well. It seems like they are probably right, it is different for me than them. I do still have to deal with the consequences of my choices: smaller dating pool, no one understands me, in contravention of legal stuff, blah etc etc. But they don't have to deal with the same consequences because the decision to conform is just not as difficult for them. They might not like it, but it's not like dying every second for them. It's probably worth it for them to be makin those choices and I'm just like the kind of inspirational poster people hang on their walls and ignore than an example of a life path they never thought of before. That's super bitter, but hey.
I feel more at peace with myself: how I am is real. I can accept that better now and get on with building my life.
The only way I'm so functional is because I've built my life this way. I've been driven to create a life of what Harry Thompson calls "freedom" because then I don't have to control everything around me so much. But, without this life I've built I'd be much less functional.
It's annoying that the thing is called "pathological demand avoidance". Like, seriously.
I've often been in situations where my abuse legacy/need to conform so as not to get hurt is in conflict with my demand avoidance. Sometimes that can feel like a hard freeze: nonverbal, feels like moving through molasses when I move my body. The more I resolve my boundaries the less this happens but I can still be caught in moments by little things, especially things I feel like I should do: help with the dishes, put down a book and pay attention to someone.
People who ask me for things, especially in relationship: they're not deliberately asking me for things that are really really really hard. Those things maybe aren't hard for them. They're not trying to be unimaginably demanding. They're not trying to break me.
Asking people for little things without leaving them an "out" is maybe more ok than I thought it was. Making a statement and letting someone approach it as they like, rather than asking pointed questions that require a specific response, is not a kindness but is instead just confusing to folks.
Other folks have created strategies, like two do-to lists or focusing on the larger task to accomplish a smaller part of the task, that are just like the ones I've come up with. I can tap into other folks' strategies, and I can refine my own, now that I have a clearer idea of how my mind works. I don't have to chisel everything out of the unknown myself.
Maybe I can have easier relationship discussions now? I can ask for things clearly since I understand they're not a default, or I understand that they're not intuitive to other folks. And I can be clearer on what I can offer and how I can offer that.
This is why I want so much information from the people I care about. Because they can't ask me for things directly("you never do things I ask you to do", ouch) I have to know what's important so I can do it on my own (for instance, I can do dishes on the nights I'm not asked because I know it's important, but not on the nights when I'm asked).
So many lightning bolts going off everywhere.
I'm not failing to do all this stuff because I just don't have enough willpower or whatever. Stuff is just genuinely different for me, and now I have a roadmap to it.
Joyful.
I am so glad to have this counselor, and to be able to access them. I don't feel pathologized despite coming up with a thing that literally says pathological. And I can share that joy and find help in how to keep crafting my life. How amazing is that? How many people have someone really in their corner?
