Relationship Musings
Apr. 12th, 2004 10:41 am![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
greenstormIt's another day. I really need something to do in the mornings when everyone's asleep. The bed, where I usually play with the rats, is occupied, so that one's out too. I could always go garden, I suppose, or get work out of the way early...
Instead, I've been thinking about the idea of couplehood.
A couple is very definitely an entity, a Thing unto itself, as well as a pair of very complicated unique individuals. When someone tells me something to tell to an SO, or they tell me something and are surprised that the SO doesn't know it, that's a sort of acknowledgement of that bond.
But, what is that bond? It's fascinating to look at couples, both people I know and people I don't, and think about what holds them together. It takes a lot to hold a pair of people together, because being together with someone just isn't that easy. I always think, you know, why them? What do those two particular people do for each other, that others can't?
I do think the most binding, steadying thing in a relationship like that is a shared positive history, either a shared history of good times or a shared history of sticking through the bad times. Familiarity of that sort breeds comfort, which allows us a little space where we're not lonely and also not too worried about attack when our walls are down.
It's a joy to watch people who have been together awhile do things together. They share each other's thoughts, just a little, and so sentences are abbreviated, plans are discussed in shorthand. Not every detail is discussed, because there's some knowledge of each other to guide the couple's actions. Sure, there's miscommunication sometimes, but that's not unique to old, comfortable relationships.
I think that's what NRE is about, really. It's about driving people to build up a store of good memories, really fast, so that the relationship will continue along on that base when things get tough.
One of my favourite things is being in a situation where I'm doing something with the SO and I think, I remember doing something veyr like this six years ago with him. I love that sense of continuity. I hope I get there with the other relationships in my life. It's starting, just around the edges, but it does take a long time to come.
A lot of polyamormous people are accused of being NRE junkies, going from new relationship to new relationship for that beginning jolt while always keeping something in the wings so they never have to be completely without. Some do that, no doubt. I'm of the opposite breed, though. That beginning, stomach-clenching jolt of hormone isn't nearly as fulfilling to me as a closet of what-we-did-last-years.
Hm. That's not to say a relationship necessarily has to be the same over the years, or that it has to remain as a sexual relationship. It's that I like them to continue, no matter what, with a fondness between people. I'd like to be able to say to someone, remember when? And have them around, and have them smile, or frown, on the weight of the memory.
Thus is richness in my life created: new layers building on old foundations. Too many new relationships feels like a repeat of the opening credits of the same movie again and again.
So I suppose, in my semi-search right now for more-but-casual relationships, that's what I'm going for. Continuity, whether we have a date a year or a date a week, is what attracts me. And obviously I can't tell whether any of that's going to happen on a first date, or a second, so there'll be a lot of... well, not hit and miss, but maybe bullseye and outer ring sort of things going on.
Building the greenhouse was really fun. It'll become one of those remember-when things with the Juggler. Last night I was in their kitchen, and I thought at TOW (but didn't say it), do you remember when the sink was broken and we rinsed things in buckets of water in here?
It's coming. :)
Instead, I've been thinking about the idea of couplehood.
A couple is very definitely an entity, a Thing unto itself, as well as a pair of very complicated unique individuals. When someone tells me something to tell to an SO, or they tell me something and are surprised that the SO doesn't know it, that's a sort of acknowledgement of that bond.
But, what is that bond? It's fascinating to look at couples, both people I know and people I don't, and think about what holds them together. It takes a lot to hold a pair of people together, because being together with someone just isn't that easy. I always think, you know, why them? What do those two particular people do for each other, that others can't?
I do think the most binding, steadying thing in a relationship like that is a shared positive history, either a shared history of good times or a shared history of sticking through the bad times. Familiarity of that sort breeds comfort, which allows us a little space where we're not lonely and also not too worried about attack when our walls are down.
It's a joy to watch people who have been together awhile do things together. They share each other's thoughts, just a little, and so sentences are abbreviated, plans are discussed in shorthand. Not every detail is discussed, because there's some knowledge of each other to guide the couple's actions. Sure, there's miscommunication sometimes, but that's not unique to old, comfortable relationships.
I think that's what NRE is about, really. It's about driving people to build up a store of good memories, really fast, so that the relationship will continue along on that base when things get tough.
One of my favourite things is being in a situation where I'm doing something with the SO and I think, I remember doing something veyr like this six years ago with him. I love that sense of continuity. I hope I get there with the other relationships in my life. It's starting, just around the edges, but it does take a long time to come.
A lot of polyamormous people are accused of being NRE junkies, going from new relationship to new relationship for that beginning jolt while always keeping something in the wings so they never have to be completely without. Some do that, no doubt. I'm of the opposite breed, though. That beginning, stomach-clenching jolt of hormone isn't nearly as fulfilling to me as a closet of what-we-did-last-years.
Hm. That's not to say a relationship necessarily has to be the same over the years, or that it has to remain as a sexual relationship. It's that I like them to continue, no matter what, with a fondness between people. I'd like to be able to say to someone, remember when? And have them around, and have them smile, or frown, on the weight of the memory.
Thus is richness in my life created: new layers building on old foundations. Too many new relationships feels like a repeat of the opening credits of the same movie again and again.
So I suppose, in my semi-search right now for more-but-casual relationships, that's what I'm going for. Continuity, whether we have a date a year or a date a week, is what attracts me. And obviously I can't tell whether any of that's going to happen on a first date, or a second, so there'll be a lot of... well, not hit and miss, but maybe bullseye and outer ring sort of things going on.
Building the greenhouse was really fun. It'll become one of those remember-when things with the Juggler. Last night I was in their kitchen, and I thought at TOW (but didn't say it), do you remember when the sink was broken and we rinsed things in buckets of water in here?
It's coming. :)
![[identity profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/openid.png){kind=small}
I agree
Date: 2004-04-12 12:17 pm (UTC)What I also find neat is that you hit peaks with established relationships where you think you can't possibly get more intimate or connected, and then suddenly, BUMP, up comes another previously unknown level. After 13 years with Oceanstone, we still surprise each other this way.
I like the established relationship better as all the groundwork we do together has that wonderful payoff.
no subject
Date: 2004-04-12 01:49 pm (UTC)Monique