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greenstormThis is Monday, the end of the week for me. I was at VanDusen plant saler all weekend volunteering so it was sort of a continuation of work of various kinds rather than an actual break.
I'm going to try and make this a statement of fact, rather than a welling-up of self-pity. It's been a tough week.
I've had my first serious trouble with a client, I've picked up a (temporary, but) painful and very embarassing, though thankfully non-transmissible, illness.
I'm having some relationship trouble which I won't describe right now but is with my longstanding and, I understand now, most treasured relationship, and it may result in some serious changes to that.
I'm a little worried about finances, specifically because of some things involving the above statement, my pet rats, and my ability to provide them with time and care within my financial means.
There are a couple of things I've said I'll do for people, and I haven't done them yet.
So, I can't do something about all of those things. That is, I can't change the things themselves. I can change my attitude about some of the things -- what a relationship means to me, what being female, feminine, attractive, and healthy means to my self-worth, what being agreeable means to me vs. what time and ability means to me.
All that takes a lost of strength and energy, even one at a time. I'm trying to think about how to piggyback it all on top of each other, so that I can maybe use less energy to do it all at once. I hope I can figure that out. Massive change on a lot of levels, that I have done before, right?
So I guess, right now, I'm on my way towards being one of those wobbly-winged butterflies that crawls out of th echrysalis and can't fly. I need to sit there in the sun, all crinkly-wet and soft, and wait to dry and harden up. I want to do this in some very particular ways: I want to keep my ability to love, and my sense of joy and wonder. I want to keep my ability to be hurt, and my ability to heal from hurt quickly. I would like to keep the people that I love in my life. And I would like to keep some sort of a moral sense, some sort of internal compass about what is right or good, though it doesn't have to be the same one I have now (though I admit it's stuck with me longer than most things, this one).
Having said all that, I'm not sure what's happening next. I'll keep you updated, probably as vaguely as I am now. I'll post pictures of my rats when they get pulled from the digital camera. I'll smile sometimes, and spend time in the sun.
I'll really hope, though, that this is the important, good stuff going on here. I'll trust that the world is running the way it's supposed to. I won't be sure that all these issues aren't only issues because I should be on some kind of antidepressant medication. I won't be sure that... well.
That's enough of all that.
A list? The better kind? Let me try for it.
1) The world is so full of beautiful, unique people. You can never get bored, you can never drink them dry, you could spend a lifetime without even cataloguing the full list of depths there are to see. You will never run out of people in life.
2) We are learning, every one of us. We get better at life as it goes along, all of those people that I know, at least. We get more sure and more certain and make better decisions.
3) Some of the people out there love me. However they express it, whatever they do about it, they do love me. That is very precious.
4) The sunrise is beautiful, even when I'm not there to see it. At this time of year the sun rises right into my eyes when I'm lying on my right side on the bed. Whether this happens for another day or another month or not at all again, I have been blessed by the first rays of the sun.
5) The offspring of plants that I have loved will be alive for longer than there are humans. I have seen a kind of life more eternal than myself, and I have interacted with it.
6) I can still give to others.
7) I am strong.
8) This is true of me, still: Therefore, be at peace with God, whatever you conceive Him to be. And whatever your labors and aspirations in the noisy confusion of life, keep peace in your soul. With all its sham, drudgery and broken dreams; it is still a beautiful world. Be cheerful. Strive to be happy.
For those of you that haven't read it yet, do look up the desiderata. Google search it, and you'll find it.
I'm going to try and make this a statement of fact, rather than a welling-up of self-pity. It's been a tough week.
I've had my first serious trouble with a client, I've picked up a (temporary, but) painful and very embarassing, though thankfully non-transmissible, illness.
I'm having some relationship trouble which I won't describe right now but is with my longstanding and, I understand now, most treasured relationship, and it may result in some serious changes to that.
I'm a little worried about finances, specifically because of some things involving the above statement, my pet rats, and my ability to provide them with time and care within my financial means.
There are a couple of things I've said I'll do for people, and I haven't done them yet.
So, I can't do something about all of those things. That is, I can't change the things themselves. I can change my attitude about some of the things -- what a relationship means to me, what being female, feminine, attractive, and healthy means to my self-worth, what being agreeable means to me vs. what time and ability means to me.
All that takes a lost of strength and energy, even one at a time. I'm trying to think about how to piggyback it all on top of each other, so that I can maybe use less energy to do it all at once. I hope I can figure that out. Massive change on a lot of levels, that I have done before, right?
So I guess, right now, I'm on my way towards being one of those wobbly-winged butterflies that crawls out of th echrysalis and can't fly. I need to sit there in the sun, all crinkly-wet and soft, and wait to dry and harden up. I want to do this in some very particular ways: I want to keep my ability to love, and my sense of joy and wonder. I want to keep my ability to be hurt, and my ability to heal from hurt quickly. I would like to keep the people that I love in my life. And I would like to keep some sort of a moral sense, some sort of internal compass about what is right or good, though it doesn't have to be the same one I have now (though I admit it's stuck with me longer than most things, this one).
Having said all that, I'm not sure what's happening next. I'll keep you updated, probably as vaguely as I am now. I'll post pictures of my rats when they get pulled from the digital camera. I'll smile sometimes, and spend time in the sun.
I'll really hope, though, that this is the important, good stuff going on here. I'll trust that the world is running the way it's supposed to. I won't be sure that all these issues aren't only issues because I should be on some kind of antidepressant medication. I won't be sure that... well.
That's enough of all that.
A list? The better kind? Let me try for it.
1) The world is so full of beautiful, unique people. You can never get bored, you can never drink them dry, you could spend a lifetime without even cataloguing the full list of depths there are to see. You will never run out of people in life.
2) We are learning, every one of us. We get better at life as it goes along, all of those people that I know, at least. We get more sure and more certain and make better decisions.
3) Some of the people out there love me. However they express it, whatever they do about it, they do love me. That is very precious.
4) The sunrise is beautiful, even when I'm not there to see it. At this time of year the sun rises right into my eyes when I'm lying on my right side on the bed. Whether this happens for another day or another month or not at all again, I have been blessed by the first rays of the sun.
5) The offspring of plants that I have loved will be alive for longer than there are humans. I have seen a kind of life more eternal than myself, and I have interacted with it.
6) I can still give to others.
7) I am strong.
8) This is true of me, still: Therefore, be at peace with God, whatever you conceive Him to be. And whatever your labors and aspirations in the noisy confusion of life, keep peace in your soul. With all its sham, drudgery and broken dreams; it is still a beautiful world. Be cheerful. Strive to be happy.
For those of you that haven't read it yet, do look up the desiderata. Google search it, and you'll find it.
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I know it sounds cliche, but.....
Date: 2004-04-27 10:00 am (UTC)Re: I know it sounds cliche, but.....
Date: 2004-04-27 10:30 am (UTC)Re: I know it sounds cliche, but.....
Date: 2004-04-27 11:40 am (UTC)I've never been to the City Farmer Garden, and I'd love to head out to UBC again. Count me in for a plant road trip! I can drive/pick you up - and anyone else who's interested. Oh, and I got my copy of Gaia's Garden - I'll try and remember to bring it for you to read.
Take care,
hugs!
L
Re: I know it sounds cliche, but.....
Date: 2004-04-28 09:13 am (UTC)Re: I know it sounds cliche, but.....
Date: 2004-04-28 09:44 am (UTC)