Blur

[greenstorm]

Things are so busy right now.

Mom and my youngest brother are here. I'm working, and they are bush days so I can't do home things around work: instead I need to use extra time at home to prep clothes and lunches, check weather, and charge devices. I'm doing this course, which does not have the two hours of homework stated: it's more like 4 or 5 hours extra per week. I'm engaged in this communication/intimacy course with Tucker. I'm trying to get administrative stuff done, like calling the bank to figure out where my money disappeared to (done) or making a dentist appointment (involves being in front of both my work and personal calendars) or talking to someone about my mortgage which is coming due soon (Canadian mortgages need to be refinanced every 5 years). I'm trying to get soap made in exchange for the ring my friend made me, so I can send it down with mom instead of shipping it. And now my new truck needs a new serpentine belt, part of it tore off and is hanging out in there.

Basically I can kind of keep up with doing things, but not with thinking about them. I'd had a lot of space to think for awhile. I miss it? A lot is getting done but I don't get to be fully inside the activities or inhabiting them. I also don't necessarily get to arrange them how best I'd like.

On the other hand it's making for a much more bearable extended stay with mom, I'm just not home or have the bandwidth to be annoyed when she puts the lemon juicer away in the mixer bowl (?) or whatever. I can start playing "where did she put that object" when she leaves.

And meanwhile I'm taking Friday off to spend time here before they leave on Saturday.

Meanwhile days are getting shorter, mud is getting colder, there is frost in the mornings but no snow yet. Mom is tidying up a bunch of stuff in the yard, some of which is pretty welcome. The stove is keeping the house lovely warm as long as a couple windows stay cracked open. It feels like brewing and baking time.

Comments

[graydon2]

I did not expect to have so many "where did they put that object" issues with guests, but it is a real problem!

[greenstorm]

It's one reason I want a guest cabin.

[squirrelitude]

Hell, I'm surprised how much of a problem it is just with me and my partner! I used to be the one to do most of the dishes, but when we switched to that being an alternating chore, I started finding things (eventually) in the most surprising places.

What's curious is that when I kept moving them back to where they "belonged", she somehow started following suit. Even though she had exactly as much experience as before with *finding* the objects when she needed them, I think that doing the putting-away part made her more aware of where she was finding them during cooking. Although...it's also possible that she became more aware of the full range of what implements we had, and then went searching for them later and found where *I* had been stashing them. :-)

(There were only a couple of cases of "hey, would you mind putting the mortar and pestle away next to the spice grinder up here above the stove". The rest was all indirect.)

[greenstorm]

Indirect ways of handling shared space are *fascinating*. Were either of you annoyed by this, interested in it, or what was your emotional/narrative internal frame for it?

[squirrelitude]

I was mildly annoyed at times ("where the heck did the grater go, I need it right now... wtf, why is it in the salad bowl?").

For things that we *both* used I was a little confused about how she could fail to notice where she had gotten them from in the first place, but I later realized that this made sense -- I've *always* been the thing-finder in my house, family, and other contexts. I apparently have an above-average skill at unconsciously noticing and filing away "I last saw X in place Y" and I shouldn't hold other people to the same standard, even if it seems obvious to me. :-) I believe she eventually started putting them in the "right" places, either because I asked her to or because she noticed where they were ending up.

(I also probably have stronger opinions than her on where these things go, as I'm more of an organizer. "I have stronger opinions than she does on X" is a repeating theme which we've explicitly acknowledged and use to make some of our joint decisions. On other topics it goes the other way. The only time it's a problem is when one of us has trouble *learning* the other's opinions, or those opinions are unpredictable...)

For things only I used, I believe I said something like "hey, would you mind putting this back here?" There may have been some sheepishness on her part, not sure. I don't like to be too demanding or picky, so it feels awkward to do this.

Generally we go for explicit communication, but I definitely first tried "move the things to where I want them a few times and see if it sticks". :-)

(Do you know the word stigmergy? It's a delightful topic, and I love observing it in myself and others.)

[greenstorm]

I used to be the thing-finder and the thing-knower, but my working memory is down to about 20% of what it was and I'm losing it. I've begun to have to rely on always putting the thing in the same place rather than knowing or remembering where it was. It's a challenging transition.

Thank you for describing this dynamic! It's interesting to hear about how folks navigate these things.

That is a fantastic term and I suspect will take me awhile to fully integrate. Thank you!

[greenstorm]

Not to mention the "if you leave the dishcloth in that location it drips on the floor, why not hang it up here?" sort of quirks that my house has a lot of.