Not-So-Daily Morning News.

[greenstorm]

Things seem to be back on track now. I'm beginning to start to think about finding my place in the group with the connections with the guy being how they are. It's a bit of a change. You know, it's.... I used to be able to go to the movie theatre with everyone, and I could sit between any two and be happy. It's not that way anymore, and I tend to end up on the end of the line.

There's still a place for me, though, and I do want that place. It's hard to get used to it being a different place than it used to be. It's harder because the guy and I are still not talking, just as we weren't before. I think we might be scared of what would come out of it, or maybe too lethargic to want to figure things out. I feel very much on my own with this figuring.

Certainly none of those in the group are very good with speaking about where I stand in their lives. I mean, the guy never was, but there was always that underlying ripple of reliability. It's strange, now, to be out with them all and have none of that assurance, and to know also that there's no one there -for me-. This isn't very clear, I suppose.

It is more thoughtful than angsty, realise. We all ended up back here at my place last night and, well, it was nice. It got me to thinking, though, as I always do after something nice: can this happen again? Can I ask for this? Can I have it regularly? I'm not used to the answer to that sort of thing being no. I'm used to taking something and riding it into the ground until I get bored of it and then I go on to the next thing. I'm not used to waiting as reality (and other people) dole it out to me.

I suppose part of what I'm dealing with is a big sense of powerlessness in my relationships right now, and also a sense of... well, they aren't going anywhere. Six months from now they'll be how they are now. There's not really room for them to expand.

Still, I -am- dealing with it, which I think is pretty damn impressive.

Yesterday ended up being a nice day altogether, actually. VanDusen was sunny, I watched Logan's Run (which was the oldest colour movie I'd ever seen, and the worst epic movie I'd ever seen, but had TS Eliot in it), I had nice food, the rat cages got cleaned, I had an immensely entertaining RP on Otherspace that I need to send in as a log, and I think I got a nap in.

Annnd... that's the news.

Comments

One day at a time

[http://users.livejournal.com/_greenwitch_/]

I totally know what you're talking about, hon - a *large* part of me would like my life safe, predictable and solid. Unfortunately, things just don't seem to work out that way for me and many other people I know..... When you start worrying about how other people feel about you and where you stand in their lives and in relation to their intentions/needs/future, it can be a scary place. Make sure you treat yourself to your noodles and give yourself priority. The most important person in your life and your future - is you. And you're a smart, resourceful, interesting you, too.

hug