Cloudy Days

[greenstorm]

The sun's gone and with it any sort of manic energy wellbeing. I've settled into being comfortable now despite the kind of weird circumstances that I find myself in.

The Juggler's bringing a friend from work home today and the Other Woman's out, so I've been picking up around the house just a little. Puttering, mostly, digging used condom wrappers out of the sofa, folding blankets, putting things away when I know where they go. It's a relaxing sort of way to be, and it's nice just to put things straight unhurriedly. The Juggler isn't out to his work people, so if the SO and I are still here when he gets home I'll need to act innocent, or at least hopeless.

Maybe hopeful? ;)

Bah. Entertaining as it would be I don't think it would make anyone else very happy to mess with that. Alas for growing up and having to be responsible and stuff.

I've been messing with some concepts lately, relationship-wise. It's occurred to me that intensity and depth of relationship has nothing to do with the per day sort of time commitment of the relationship and that in turn has nothing to do with the permanency commitment in the relationship.

A number of factors have brought that one up. I've sort of realised, what with the scattering of things that's resulted in my not really having a primary right now, that what I want from a relationship is a sense of permanency. When I say I want a committed relationship that's to a large extent what I mean; the other cluster of my relationship needs seems to float around making the relationship more reliable/permanent in the sense that it's mostly tool-building for long term relationships.

That's probably been tripping me up quite a bit recently. Commitment is a very confusing word. I'd tried using 'commitment to X' before, but I like the idea of splitting it up into things like permanency and emotional support and daily reliability better. It just pulls fewer strings. It has fewer connotations and is less likely to get confused with things like exclusivity and permission/ownership.

It's both interesting and scary to realise that maybe I don't want One Relationship and some side stuff, but that instead I like a scattering with the idea that they're all there long term but that one can do things like take breaks, go one a month's vacation without offending anyone... hmm. I'm running out of words but there are a lot of concept-images floating around that surround tis still. Practically it's not all that different, but I do feel like I'm standing taller and more independently. It's not a bad feeling and it's especially good when I'm lonely -- I don't feel like someone's let me down, I just feel lonely which is okay.

But enough of this. I need a nap again (grilling chicken at 2:30 am was fun, but leaves little in the way of sleep time) and I'm curious about this book. It's called The Skies of Pern, Anne McCaffery, and it's a really terrible book. I like a lot of hers but this one's... just terrible, heavy-handed and obvious like a bad fanfic. I don't think I'll finish it but I want to see if it gets better.

Take care.

Comments

[breklor.livejournal.com]

Anne McCaffrey's work in general hasn't been very good since they stopped editing her.

It's sad, because she's very talented; she's just not got much self-restraint as an author.

Hrm.

[khamura.livejournal.com]

[...] What I want from a relationship is a sense of permanency. When I say I want a committed relationship that's to a large extent what I mean; the other cluster of my relationship needs to float around making the relationship more reliable/permanent in the sense that it's mostly tool-building for long term relationships.

I don't completely understand the last part of this. "Mostly tool-building for long-term relationships" sounds strange to my ears; as if that committed relationship were to be a mere stepping-stone for other relationships to be reached. That's not what you mean, but I don't understand what you mean.


[...] I like the idea of splitting it up into things like permanency and emotional support and daily reliability better. It just pulls fewer strings. It has fewer connotations and is less likely to get confused with things like exclusivity and permission/ownership.

I don't know. Permanency without emotional support seems to lack something -- though it could work, I now think, in the sense of 'dating' someone steadily besides other partners that one has a closer (?) emotional relationship with. Interestingly, these things are all things I would -- on their own -- take as things that one would find in good friends: they may not be permanent, but they can give emotional support; or they may not be so good in the emotional support, but are 'available' if you feel like calling them up; or they're long-lasting, though maybe weekends-only friendships. Personally, I would have to say that the word "relationship" implies a combination of all three of those.


It's both interesting and scary to realise that maybe I don't want One Relationship and some side stuff, but that instead I like a scattering with the idea that they're all there long term

I had two reactions to that, which stay in a sort of equilibrium. The first makes a very strong stand for the "One Relationship with Side Stuff" cause, and feels slighted by the idea that it would be otherwise; the other is a little more subdued, but points out that not having that wouldn't be the end of the world.

Admittedly: The ideal state of either is... enticing isn't quite the word. Looking at the ideals, I can see myself in either setup; it's the way there that worries me a little bit. (Maybe because my background gives me pointers as to how to reach the one and how to ensure that it endures, but not so for the other.) Now I'm the first to point out that I swing between being a constantly worrying and a happy-go-lucky person, so while I don't outright discard this worry, I take with a grain of salt.

Just some thoughts before I go to bed. Cheers.

[greenstorm.livejournal.com]

Which book did they stop editing her in the Pern series? Is there a nice clean line?

I do really like some of her earlier/middle stuff and I'm kind of sad that it isn't turning out reliable. I guess all series go downhill somewhere.

[breklor.livejournal.com]

I don't know, exactly. I do know she's been given a lot more free rein than authors usually get.

Sequels usually suck because the inspiration that produced the original is done, and the motivation for writing more is mostly financial.

Re: Hrm.

[greenstorm.livejournal.com]

My needs in 'committed' relationships focus on acquiring skills to make that relationship long-term: self-analysis, compromise, communication. These aren't necessarily skills than enable one to spend more time per unit with someone, or to do fewer things with other people and more with The One. They do not center around exclusivity or control, though consideration is an important aspect. Permanency is the major need and the cluster of minor needs are all things that further that permanency (well, not all, but you know).

A committed relationship will have emotional support, yes, but it won't necessarily have permanent emotional support. That is, I don't think I need any one person to be there one hundred percent of the time constantly for me with emotional support -- good, because it's not humanly possible -- and so though emotional support is an aspect of my relationships it isn't the major aspect of commitment to my mind. Certainly someone who could never support me emotionally would worry me but this isn't a major aspect of stuff.

I also don't think availability is something I'd go in for. Or, no: it's not something I need, and 100 percent availability isn't something I can give. I need to be able to say, sometimes, I'm not talking to anyone today. Sure, if someone died I'd come to the funeral, but short of that I don't want to make a permanent always-available commitment. I could deal, I think, with a permanent commitment to consider requests for availability as long as a 'no' was respected.

Certainly the above are components of a committed relationship to a greater or lesser degree; they do not define it for me, though. That was the point of this post, to work out my definition of committed and choose a word that was less confusing.

[greenstorm.livejournal.com]

So what's your favourite series? Your favourite sequel?

[breklor.livejournal.com]

My favourite series, with the possible exception of LotR, is Terry Pratchett's Discworld series. He's up to 25+ books, and just keeps getting better and better.

My favourite sequel? Not counting books deliberately constructed as series... hmm. I rather liked Orson Scott Card's Ender's Shadow, which is a sidequel to Ender's Game... it retells the story of the first book from the perspective of one of the supporting characters. It's pretty darned good.

How about you?

[greenstorm.livejournal.com]

I'm not sure. I don't think Discworld keeps getting better and better, though I've stopped myself at 3 or 4 books because more than that would make me jaded and cynical about series-similarity and moneymaking authors. They all feel pretty the same to me, though I have the feeling I'm mostly alone in that.

I liked Ender's Shadow. The one that came after that was kind of weird, though.

My favourite books do tend to be one-offs. I really liked the Wizard of Earthsea trilogy by LeGuin (though I hear there's more to that than just three books) and David Eddings' fantasy series were very cool (sure, they were repetitive, but I liked having more of that yummy candy to read). I liked the Shannara stuff and especially the second series-set with Walker Boh and co, so maybe that counts?

Oh! The Red Mars series rates more highly on the list than most of those. It was excellent throughout with a very slight quality drop that was worth it for the heightened complexity of character.

[breklor.livejournal.com]

IMNSHO, Discworld does get better and better, especially after you get out of the first few. Pratchett acquires a talent for bittersweet comedy that's just unbelievably yummy, especially since he also has a talent for writing characters you can get attached to, so when they wind up deep in the kaka you really care.

I heard the books past the first three in the Earthsea series are recent sequels, which does not bode well, but I know nothing else about them...

I like one-offs too, but every now and again I find a series that actually has more than one book's worth of stuff to say.

OH! Yes! The Mars series was amazing! I have read it twice but I need to read it again someday.

[greenstorm.livejournal.com]

I -swear- there are two different Discworld series, the one I've read and the one everyone talks about. There just have to be. Characters? In Discworld? They're just props to illustrate sometimes-clever silliness. I've never felt like any of the characters I've read stuff about felt terribly realistic.

There seriously have to be two different series. Which were your favourite characters, portrayed in which books?

[breklor.livejournal.com]

Oh goodness. I have a terrible memory for such things.

I can tell you I have always loved the portrayal of the three witches. And in the later books especially... people like Vimes of the Watch begin as cardboard characters on which to hang a plot, but they grow and flesh out into full and sympathetic people. I think one of Pratchett's other strengths is that nearly everyone in his books is sympathetic in some way, in that he gives you insight into why they do what they do, why they are who they are... Captain Carrot becomes a very wonderful character later on. Even Nobby.

Rincewind is always irritating, but I kinda like him sometimes too.

[spectral42.livejournal.com]

Enders Game was a great book - I haven't read it in years though. Time for a trip to the used bookstore for the two of them!

[greenstorm.livejournal.com]

Have you been through the whole Xenocide/Speaker for the Dead sequel stuff as well? They really are wildly different. Ender's Shadow is sort of halfway between the action of Ender's Game and the introspection of the others, then the next one in that series (shadow of the Hegemon?) which is also about Bean... er, is a little strange.

But Ender's Shadow was great. I loved Virlomi.

Re:

[spectral42.livejournal.com]

I've read Xenocide and Speaker for the Dead, though I don't remember the contents of them - I read them quite a while ago. I think I missed Ender's shadow though, I don't remember reading it at all.

[greenstorm.livejournal.com]

Ender's Shadow and the rest are really quite new. I think Shadow of the Hegemon's still hardcover only. I've been buying them for my brother as they come out.

So if you read them awhile ago it's not that you missed them, it's that they've come out since.

I won't even start on the plots -- that's for realtime communication.