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It's another prickly day. Hormones? Spaciousness? Dealing with contractors? Breakup stuff? Who knows. It's a day to be critical of things and to wrap myself in a little solitude as much as I can. It's like running my fingers along the texture of something to find flaws: today I'll find the any and all flaws, but I need to hold off on deciding what to do about them until I'm feeling constructive rather than destructive. Right now I just want to blow things up.
It makes me think about my longstanding dissatisfaction with mind-body duality. It's so pervasive that it's baked into the language at every bite. I'm sitting here, in what I suppose is my burnout, and there isn't a seperation: when I am feeling bad, I am feeling bad. When I have no energy, I have no energy to think or to move. When I can't be pecise and deliberate I both lose my thoughts and knock things over. My sense of how autistic folks work is that they're outliers on either end of the mind-body duality thing: sensory or emotional overwhelm doesn't "limit itself to the mind", whatever that means, but it travels into the functional vessel that expresses the mind and either controls it where neurotypical people would retain control, or it severs and results in dissociation and shutdown.
Even beyond that my mind, my physical self, and my environment are well-connected. Sunshine is happiness and energy, we know that. Gut microbiome influences mental inclinations, we know that. Lack of abundance is hunger is irritability and then tiredness. Uninvitingness is inactivity is high rates of depression. And so what we do to our minds, we also do to our bodies.
One step further, the individual-society dichotomy is getting extra play lately and it's also getting under my skin. People expect to make the world different by doing the same thing harder and that isn't, nor will it ever be, how it works. Humans are social animals and they do what the humans around them are doing: being cruel and belittling, overworking, or destroying in the name of lifting people to equality, finding peace, or building a different world seems remarkably shortsighted and I'm not here for it today.
I'm tired. It's been so windy here, there's no point in putting anythign anywhere: it will end up somewhere else. Cardboard boxes and feed bags are all against the fence or in the pigpen or thumping on the house. Boot-thieving mud is drying out quickly into workable soil. It's cold and biting out and maybe the ground is less dry than frozen, who's to know?
And with the idea of joining a small community coming up, I find myself wanting to be part of a community that isn't about hiding from the world, that isn't about whipping it until it obeys, but that has genuine vision and will turn some little corner of it into something better for people beyond ourselves, and outside our borders.
Borders? Bah.
It makes me think about my longstanding dissatisfaction with mind-body duality. It's so pervasive that it's baked into the language at every bite. I'm sitting here, in what I suppose is my burnout, and there isn't a seperation: when I am feeling bad, I am feeling bad. When I have no energy, I have no energy to think or to move. When I can't be pecise and deliberate I both lose my thoughts and knock things over. My sense of how autistic folks work is that they're outliers on either end of the mind-body duality thing: sensory or emotional overwhelm doesn't "limit itself to the mind", whatever that means, but it travels into the functional vessel that expresses the mind and either controls it where neurotypical people would retain control, or it severs and results in dissociation and shutdown.
Even beyond that my mind, my physical self, and my environment are well-connected. Sunshine is happiness and energy, we know that. Gut microbiome influences mental inclinations, we know that. Lack of abundance is hunger is irritability and then tiredness. Uninvitingness is inactivity is high rates of depression. And so what we do to our minds, we also do to our bodies.
One step further, the individual-society dichotomy is getting extra play lately and it's also getting under my skin. People expect to make the world different by doing the same thing harder and that isn't, nor will it ever be, how it works. Humans are social animals and they do what the humans around them are doing: being cruel and belittling, overworking, or destroying in the name of lifting people to equality, finding peace, or building a different world seems remarkably shortsighted and I'm not here for it today.
I'm tired. It's been so windy here, there's no point in putting anythign anywhere: it will end up somewhere else. Cardboard boxes and feed bags are all against the fence or in the pigpen or thumping on the house. Boot-thieving mud is drying out quickly into workable soil. It's cold and biting out and maybe the ground is less dry than frozen, who's to know?
And with the idea of joining a small community coming up, I find myself wanting to be part of a community that isn't about hiding from the world, that isn't about whipping it until it obeys, but that has genuine vision and will turn some little corner of it into something better for people beyond ourselves, and outside our borders.
Borders? Bah.
