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Tank is empty
Mar. 31st, 2021 09:10 amYou know, I've never actually run a car out of gas. I've tried: buy a new-to-me vehicle, put a jerry can of gas in the back, fill it up, and tell myself I'll run it dry so I know just how far I can push it in case I need to later. I never successfully push it until it dies. Once I managed to make it 10k after the low fuel light went on before I broke.
I'm much harder on myself. I guess I'm more aware of my internal reserves and the consequences.
Josh did some bad communication about starting a relationship abruptly with someone I had concerns about and who he'd definitively taken off the table awhile back because of some red flags, and who as far as I knew was out of contact with him, and then being unavailable for discussion for awhile. Previously we'd talked about what I needed/wanted from a partner who was poly, but that was very theoretical since he hasn't had emotional connections with anyone else before.
So I spent the long weekend he was gone, in full knowledge of the irony, stewing about how I didn't have the energy to train up another pup and being angry at him for making me figure out and set boundaries around this. He came back, we talked, he apologised without getting defensive and listened well, and I had been able to state some pretty clear things that I want from relationships.
It's good (though the process was hard) to have figured out those boundaries and be able to clearly state them. It makes me feel lighter, more able to say what I need in advance and then enforce my edges. Goodness was it hard work though: both being angry (anger is how I know my boundaries are being infringed) and trying to figure out what, exactly, I wanted. It's work done now, though, and I can cruise into the upcoming long weekend with some spring farm work to restore my soul.
Basically:
I want to know how many (love and sexual) relationships my partners are in at any given time, give or take a day or two of these things changing, and if something comes up with potential I want to be kept in the loop about that. Yeah, definitions of relationships can be fuzzy but this isn't a place for rules-lawyering. Yeah, things happen and folks don't always know what's coming.
I want to know if someone is going to be unavailable for communication in a way that will impact my normal rhythms of communication with them: if we normally text every day, if they'll be offline for a day I'll worry. If we normally talk once a week, likewise if they're unavailable for a longer stretch I want to know. I want this even if we don't have formal days or times that we talk to miss.
If someone goes on a Big Thing with a metamour I'm wobbly with, I'd like to have the date and time I'll talk to that partner pinned down before they leave. It really helps me feel more secure. I'm usually wobbly the first couple dates with a new person or after relationship structure changes.
I want to know the good experiences my partner has in their relationships. In general more partners means less flexibility on my partner's part, so I need to be more flexible to keep seeing them. I need to do internal work if something triggers bad feelings. So I need to balance that with hearing good stuff about the metamour, to remind myself that it's a good thing and worth it.
I want to know if my partners' thing with someone else is going to change my relationship with the partner structurally (less time together, limits future commitments, will use all their vacation time, changes in sexual stuff including barriering) and I'd like to feel seen and heard around that change.
I don't want to have to guess or interpret what a partner means by something, or ever need to go searching or putting two and two together to learn any of the above stuff. I want those things to be told to me directly. I do not want to have to spend mental or emotional effort being suspicious about this stuff, I want to be able to accept what I'm told and not think about it otherwise and still have full information.
I'm much harder on myself. I guess I'm more aware of my internal reserves and the consequences.
Josh did some bad communication about starting a relationship abruptly with someone I had concerns about and who he'd definitively taken off the table awhile back because of some red flags, and who as far as I knew was out of contact with him, and then being unavailable for discussion for awhile. Previously we'd talked about what I needed/wanted from a partner who was poly, but that was very theoretical since he hasn't had emotional connections with anyone else before.
So I spent the long weekend he was gone, in full knowledge of the irony, stewing about how I didn't have the energy to train up another pup and being angry at him for making me figure out and set boundaries around this. He came back, we talked, he apologised without getting defensive and listened well, and I had been able to state some pretty clear things that I want from relationships.
It's good (though the process was hard) to have figured out those boundaries and be able to clearly state them. It makes me feel lighter, more able to say what I need in advance and then enforce my edges. Goodness was it hard work though: both being angry (anger is how I know my boundaries are being infringed) and trying to figure out what, exactly, I wanted. It's work done now, though, and I can cruise into the upcoming long weekend with some spring farm work to restore my soul.
Basically:
I want to know how many (love and sexual) relationships my partners are in at any given time, give or take a day or two of these things changing, and if something comes up with potential I want to be kept in the loop about that. Yeah, definitions of relationships can be fuzzy but this isn't a place for rules-lawyering. Yeah, things happen and folks don't always know what's coming.
I want to know if someone is going to be unavailable for communication in a way that will impact my normal rhythms of communication with them: if we normally text every day, if they'll be offline for a day I'll worry. If we normally talk once a week, likewise if they're unavailable for a longer stretch I want to know. I want this even if we don't have formal days or times that we talk to miss.
If someone goes on a Big Thing with a metamour I'm wobbly with, I'd like to have the date and time I'll talk to that partner pinned down before they leave. It really helps me feel more secure. I'm usually wobbly the first couple dates with a new person or after relationship structure changes.
I want to know the good experiences my partner has in their relationships. In general more partners means less flexibility on my partner's part, so I need to be more flexible to keep seeing them. I need to do internal work if something triggers bad feelings. So I need to balance that with hearing good stuff about the metamour, to remind myself that it's a good thing and worth it.
I want to know if my partners' thing with someone else is going to change my relationship with the partner structurally (less time together, limits future commitments, will use all their vacation time, changes in sexual stuff including barriering) and I'd like to feel seen and heard around that change.
I don't want to have to guess or interpret what a partner means by something, or ever need to go searching or putting two and two together to learn any of the above stuff. I want those things to be told to me directly. I do not want to have to spend mental or emotional effort being suspicious about this stuff, I want to be able to accept what I'm told and not think about it otherwise and still have full information.
