Greenstorm's Journal

Warmed up a bit. Nox was halfway through labour today around 9:30 am. It was a hard labour, more blood than I like. There were 4 out there when I checked, then when I checked again there were only 2; I took one inside to warm up for 20 minutes, then went out and attended the birth of 3 more and wiped them down as they came out. Some of the amniotic sacs seemed a little thick, baby size was variable. I suspect the tiniest orange one won't survive but the one I brought in to warm up seems good, so that's two disappeared and one that I think might die.

She is giving a ton of milk, it's dripping and squirting, and the babies have all had several drinks.

I worry the ravens might have taken those two even from inside the pig a-frame house, I sealed up the back piglet entrance.

Fingers crossed.

Rapunzel was hoovering up the afterbirths. She's getting pretty thin with her 9 on her, even with all the dairy I've been giving them all.

Here we are. Solstice.

It's a couple days until the actual night, but I'm in that liminal space now. This is, finally, the dark fertile peace. It's the rest before germination. Everything before was just inputs, ready to be broken down into the new year's growth.

I never sleep well before I load animals. Loading took a couple days (as it should, to be gentlest on them and to stress them least). The big one was the geese: I put their food and water in the doorway to the woodshed lean-to and then went outside a couple times during the day to walk them into the lean-to. Then I closed the lean-to door behind me and shuttled them into the woodshed, a batch at a time. I only got just over half in there, but there were enough of the ones I wanted to send 12 to the abattoir.

That was day 1. They needed to be kept without food for day 2, then in the evening Tucker helped me load them up into crates. The workflow was as follows: I went into the woodshed with a headlamp, the geese flocked away from me and scrambled themselves into a corner, I caught the ones that were going (mixed or mismarked), and carried them one by one into crates while Tucker closed and opened the many doors (including crate and woodshed door) involved.

Choosing is always the hard part for me. Choosing from scared geese late at night, the night before slaughter: that's very hard. And geese are hard because I love them and think they're so beautiful. I mean, I love my pigs and think they look neat with their spots and mohawks, but it's not quite the same.

So then day 3 I drove to Telkwa and back (google says it's 3.5 hours of straight driving to get there. Add a trailer, a bit of slush on the roads, and stopping for gas and I left at 7am and got home just after 5pm). I saw the abattoir for the first time: it had friendly competent-seeming people, it was tidy and looked well-run. It felt like a real neighbourhood place, that is, it was smallish, with maybe 5 people there, and there were geese, rabbits, ducks, and roosters waiting in line. I would not have trusted my little ones anywhere else.

More aside about the abattoir: it's a huge incentive to move to that area. Having folks who are polite, responsive, flexible, take all animals, and do things the old way makes such a difference. I also, while I was unloading, felt acute envy for the folks who worked there. I so miss working with my hands, doing an actual physical job, turning one thing into something else (all creation is just repurposing), being out in the sunshine and open air. I am dead sure that job could not pay my bills but more and more I want it. And, I suppose, less and less do I want to be in charge of a place like that.

So anyhow, I didn't sleep well for several days because loading took several days. I should remember that I can't back the trailer into my driveway at night after a long day (or several days): I tried several times before driving around the block and nosing in. This was Ron's trailer, so it's much more responsive than the double axle I've been driving and it just kept jackknifing. This time I quit before I backed it into the ditch at least.

Today I need to put the trailer somewhere reasonable, likely back it out and back it back in (hello, language) and then on Monday/Tuesday (over close to actual solstice) Tucker and I will drive out in his little car and pick up the processed animals. We'll stay in a hotel overnight, pick up some sushi, and maybe look at some mountains or waterfalls or properties for sale.

I'll make some prosciutto out of the breasts of some of those geese, or some smoked spickgans-style hams. I'll confit some of the bodies and likely can those. Some I will keep whole, and roast over the coming year. None of these have the demanding load on my attention that rounding up animals for either slaughter or sale does: this is mostly rest.

I still have quail and many chickens to process but plan to do that on my own time, it doesn't have a deadline. It's not rest, but it's not looming.

The hard part is done. Now comes putting things in order.

Now and forever is the time to honour and mourn the hard part.

It feels like rest.

The seasons are turning. Suddenly all the deciduous are yellow and a little orange-- there are no native purples here, and only the occasional red. We've had regular heavy rains again but often just overnight. Yellow aspen against the blue sky is so lovely. The tires got changed, so now the 4runner sounds like a tank again.

I survived last week. It felt awful, but I did it. I'm feeling more ok right now, out of the guilt spiral enough that I can imagine a future again. I called the work counseling line twice last week for on-demand counseling, one session of which was really good and one of which was ok. I'm supposed to be signed up for a longer term thing - one reason I haven't really wanted to go the work counseling route is that it's supposed to be short-term only, as well as not being able to select for poly-friendly etc - and they were supposed to call me back last week to schedule appointments, but of course they did not. I think out of the ten or so attempts to get counseling I've made in my life, I've actually been called back by 2.

So I need to call them again.

Mom also texted me and asked to come visit, I'm not sure if she just knew through the ether that I felt bad or if she ran out of stuff to do there, but it was a very welcome request. She should be coming up within the next week or so.

The results for the covid test finally came back. I first started trying to get a test on a Friday, got through to the very busy line on Monday, got the test Tuesday, and heard back on Saturday-- a little more than a week cut out at the time when I most needed to be getting hay and straw lined up.

This week I'm in the field making up for not being able to go out for the last two weeks, so I'm super super busy. I guess this weekend or next week I'll be hoping that everyone still has hay and straw left. It's maybe unlikely that they will, but we will see.

Black Chunk (who still needs a better name) finally had her babies. There are 4 little ones out there, one red girl and 3 black and white boys. She's nursing properly and they're lively and dry. The weather is still up around 7C at night. So that's good; I also think there are some folks looking for boars in the area since the other Ossabaw folks cut all theirs, so I'm evaluating them for prospects before I castrate them all.

That's a enough of a data dump for now. I've had a couple real long days and I am going to eat a lot of food and watch youtube videos, primarily also about food.

I hope you're all well.

Currently:
Penny
Rapunzel
*Nox
**Sparky
Baby Driver
Apricot
**Aux
**UV
Friendly
Black chunk
**Spotted 1
*Spotted 2
Oak
**Acorn
*Hooligan
*Goth
**Piglets x10
Piglets x2



* Getting rid of sooner or later
**Selling or eating real soon now

Two days ago I went to castrate the last 2 piglets. I'd skipped castrating them with the first bunch because they were younger and smaller; one was Little Red, the last born and kind of runty. He was quite a fighter, straggling along after the rest of the group of piglets and squealing all the way, but making it. He was sizing up but slowly. My thought was he couldn't compete for milk as well as the others.

Well.

I didn't do the check that I normally do before cutting into him, palpating everything. He had good big testicles, so I disinfected, cut, pulled one out... and there behind it were his intestines. They didn't unspool out the wound or anything, and it was a relatively small wound, but there was a good chance that if I put him back like that and he ran around a bunch that they would come out the hole I'd just made; his testes and skin had been holding them inside before. I don't know how to suture, nor do I have the right equipment for it. Yet.

So we culled him; Tucker was there with me, thank goodness, and just sat there being calm while I gathered the things. I used the new small-animal captive-bolt stunner (it was pretty great, I really want a big one for the pigs), then cut his throat quick, he was too small to stick properly. Brought him in, skinned him, gutted him, and will do him the honour at least of a memorial feast, I can't bear the thought of putting him into the ground or feeding him to the chickens.

But it was hard. It's one thing if an animal is in immediate suffering, I can kill them then and know I'm saving them some awful moments. It's another thing if the death is planned out, if the animal is happy and unawares and has lived a good span where they get to play with their environment and other animals.

It's a very different thing when I am distracted, don't do my job right, wound an animal, and then need to kill it because of what I've done. I mean, he would need to have been killed young anyhow, in all likelihood: not being able to suture, if I left him intact he'd need to be eaten within a couple weeks. But he wouldn't have had to have that first incision and then be carried to the block, he could have had that couple weeks of play. Or I could have taken him into the vet to do it, but the vets are pretty full and busy lately.

This is the first scrotal hernia I've dealt with since learning to castrate; I may not even have recognised it because it was pretty subtle. But now I know, anyhow. Hell of a way to learn a lesson.

So yesterday I was in the field for work, swarmed with bugs, and that was good. It's just good to be out there. Bathtub goose is growing and needs something done with it. There's a black cat asleep by my leg, all cuddly. Tucker took good care of me the night after it happened, he kept me well snuggled and loved. I have a freezer full of a bunch of kinds of sausage. Things are ok.

They are just sometimes hard.

Weird situation.

So yesterday afternoon I went out and found one newly-born (several hours, not minutes) piglet in Nox's litter and one extra piglet in second cohort teenager-girl's litter.

I knew there was another second cohort sow (UV) expecting. Did the first second cohort have a second baby and Nox adopted a singleton from UV? Did Nox have an 8th baby 3 days after the first 7, who all delivered easily? Did they both have another baby, and we're still waiting on UV? Who knows, but it was surprising.

Right after Josh left I had a chainsaw training course at work (truly fantastic! We learned not just work stuff but also how to make planks and hot to (illegally) fell trees).

The next day, two days ago, felt super rushed, as office days in field season often do, and at the end of it I walked out and... Nox was having her babies. There were two already out, still wet, and I went in (and filmed!) as the next five were born. She was indifferent to my presence. Everyone else has farrowed at night so this was my first time watching. It was amazing to watch in ways I cannot explain, though I will try.

First, it was an easy birth. She got up and lay on her other side a couple times, making sure that if a baby squeaked she didn't put her weight on it but instead got up and readjusted. The babies often came in sets of 2 with just a few minutes between. They tried to walk less than 60 seconds later. Pigs don't lick their babies clean or anything like that, the babies just dry off and move around to find a nipple. They're walking in ten minutes. Her udder was enormous and she was clearly giving milk right away.

Second, I cried when the first one came out. It's so good to greet them instead of just dispatching them. It's truly amazing and wonderful how fast they turn into individuals, and I thought of the Temple Grandin movie (great movie!) where she says "where do they go?" on a cow's death. I had the inverse feeling, an immediate sense of presence. It was humbling and awe-inspiring.

Third, someone asked me on facebook recently how I keep from getting attached to my animals, and my response was that I don't: that's the opposite of my goal. My goal is to love my animals, which should drive good care while they are living and should cause the correct reverence for their death and the flesh they give me that then becomes my body. It's like someone trying not to be attached to their kid because the kid will grow up and leave. It's just not what it's about. I think love of all kinds needs to encompass separation, whether that's love with a partner who has their own private inner world and self that they sometimes don't share, or whether that's love with a parent that will include death, or, yes, with an animal that will become food. In some ways we're least separated from our livestock than from any other being: they literally become our bodies.

Fourth, this morning one of the second cohort of pigs had a single baby (she was born in Sept, so she's pretty young still) and is giving a ton of milk, that baby is going to be huge. There's one more of that cohort that looks due, I expect just one or two babies. Then we should be good for awhile. Right now we're at 29 piglets for the year, so maybe that 2nd cohort girl will put us up to 30?

Everyone is doing well so far: Nox had 4 girls (one black, the rest orange) and 3 boys (one black, one orange with a white face, and one orange almost covered in black). Younger girl had a girl.

Meanwhile everyone is molting or shedding their coats or whatever you call it. The bristles fall out, the wooly underlayer is exposed (who knew there was a wooly underlayer?) and everyone looks super different while a new overcoat grows in. I'd forgotten that Penny has spots in her wool coat; her bristles are dark red with black tips. Lotta difficulty telling who's who right now.

Anyhow, pigs are neat and I like them.

I have real trouble when something farm-related with an external deadline comes up and I can't frontload the work. For instance, I need to catch my 9 piglets today to take them in to the seller, and she's coming up at a very particular time and meeting me in PG.

This set of piglets is not super catchable; they will come up to touch my outstretched hand with a nose but not really be petted. The younger ones are better with that, but it's not the younger ones I'm trying to catch.

So I'm just *worried* that I won't get them all, won't be able to make the meetup, that I'll be stressed out and use poor livestock handling techniques because of it, all sorts of things really. If I could have caught them two days ago I'd be more comfortable, but I don't really have a place to keep them and I don't want them far from their mom for that long.

Oh well. Today will be exciting, anyhow. Wish me luck.

The goose who was my first antibiotic injection is doing well. Her wing still trails occasionally but she's tucking it up like the other one a lot of the time now, walking around a bunch, and honking at me along with her mate. They'll be released from confinement this weekend.

The night before last was, again, our maybe last frost. I've been covering my tomatoes in the greenhouse at night and they've been looking good. This weekend I plant out my squash and tomatoes and beans and soup peas and rutabaga and potatoes. Zucchini, peppers, and cucumbers are waiting a little longer.

I've moved some juneberries and started planting the older haskaps next to the Muscovy lean-to. It's a little bit shady there but I'm still planning to run some squash there.

I'm looking at my bank account and debating getting a load of compost or trying to break ground on a lot of garden in the awful old fashioned way.

It's nice and lovely warm during the day, for the most part. It's still been a dry and windy spring. There's a bunch of rain coming this weekend; it's one reason I want to get my planting done now. Cover crops would do well to be rained in too.

Avallu is blowing his coat and asking for lots of brushing. He prefers to lie on one particular side while he's brushed so he's a little lopsided right now.

I haven't seen Demon in awhile, I'm somewhat worried about him. I hope he hasn't been eaten, but has instead found some lady cats to harass or something.

I may have sold Penny's litter of piglets down to the person I got my Ossabaws from, who needs an extra large run of them for some research for U Sask. That's exciting! Apricot's babies are doing well, only 2 males to castrate (phew). Apricot is slowly getting more comfortable with me as I bribe her. Penny has learned her name (Pen-pen) and will come to it.

I'm really tired a lot and not doing well getting to sleep on time. I'm very definitely drifting away from human contact. Pretty much any time I spend interacting with humans I feel deeply un-seen. I don't think Tucker is interested in/able to reverse that trend, so we'll see how Avi's visit up here is. Either it'll shake me out of it or I'll back way up on that sort of thing.

Josh is coming up in the end of June to go bear hunting and make some sausage. That's good, because the abbatoir is booked up till January (I called them awhile ago, they were going to call me back and were not booked up at all, I finally called them again, they're super booked). So, looks like I'll be doing a bunch of self-processing this fall, probably with my work vacation time. It'll be good to get one or two out of the way with him first.

I think that's one of the things people miss when they take my food-- meat, processed or not, and veggies, processed or not. That's not just something I paid money to grow or raise, it's also my free time distilled into an object. That's why I'm so much happier giving something to someone who's worked with me to make it: to butcher a pig, to make soap or can beans or jam. Then I'm not giving them my free time, but a remembered share in our time together.

So I'm alright. Not great, but only infrequently terrible. My home country is-- there's no way to call it a first world or developed nation anymore and I can't imagine it getting better anytime soon. And people all over are getting unkinder to each other as the trauma/anxiety spiral that stands in for society these days intensifies. It's hard. I'm very grateful to be living where I am, in the country I am, on the land I have. I'm also glad my little pagan group, spread across the pacific northwest, is doing weekly zoom hangouts together. It frequently spirals into US politics but when it doesn't it reminds me that there are still folks who have some awareness of natural and sustainable systems, and who engage meaningfully with those.

Hope you're all doing well as can be out there. In modern parlance, stay safe.

Well. Today I castrated some of my piglets, I think all the males. It was my first time - I want to say solo, but Tucker held them for me and his presence was both physically helpful and emotionally calming even though it was also his first time.

Pigs aren't like other domestic livestock, although apparently cats are similar. Most animals you can put a band around the narrow part of the scrotum and the testicles atrophy; pigs don't have a narrow part so you need to make incisions with a scalpel, then rip (not cut) the testicles out through the holes.

It is not my favorite, but we got it done.

Tomorrow needs to involve giving the piglets treats and some nice light gardening.