Greenstorm's Journal

Ok, well, whatever is in those birth control pills they definitely make me much more tolerant of sweet things and general US-type snacks (chips, candy, ice cream). Now that I'm off it I'm back to normal again, which is too bad because I still have like 1.5 pkgs of oreo cookies and a thing of ice cream and half a bowl of chips. Oh well.

Definitely being low on calories is a mood issue. Not "hungry" but "below 1500 calories for a couple days in a row" or whatever. It's surprisingly hard to eat enough home-cooked stuff to meet that threshold; my pork is super fatty but my body doesn't want a ton of it, and I honestly struggle to eat three meals a day. Soylent is helpful there but it would be nice to find something more, I don't know. Cheaper would help for sure. I'll fill the calorie gap with fruit if it's available but it has to be good fruit, and that's so seasonal.

Watching hydroponics videos lately and pulled my hydroponics stuff out. I have 41 tomatoes in pots already and 160ish in the ground, so I guess I need some planted in another way?

I'm resigning myself to needing ~12 hours of rest per night. There's less time to do things, obviously, but being in less pain and not feeling dead is pretty amazing. We'll see how long this whole thing persists. At this point I should probably have a thermometer in the house.

As I think I mentioned when talking about poetry, phrases come into my head and float around or recur for days, months, years. It's not usual for my thoughts to have words associated, so it's kind of neat when they do. And since I gave up on moving I have these flashes where I'm doing something, often petting the cat or planting something in the garden, and I look around and think, "what if I'm happy?"

Tucker mentioned something about how the spaciousness in their life is healing and regulating but not possible to maintain while working etc. It's so healing, and it can't be permanently maintained, but I think it can be a baseline I return to and where I most often rest. I think I'm surprised to find happiness here in this sort of minimalism. I know I can find happiness in people and being full of connection, and it seems I can find it elsewhere as well, in company with myself.

Gotta decide what to do with my couple hours of good time today. Planting things seems good for solstice, as does making soap. Whatever I do, I'll do it while feeling grateful. This self I have is very, very tricky but it's there for me with kinds of defense and support other folks only dream about.

200 tomatoes and still planting. How would I ever have thought I'd achieve this sort of joy?

I am so glad to have my property, my home. The rest of my life has started moving again, as usual, and I enjoy and need having that stability to root into: plan for the spring, plan for the future, plant trees and shape the landscape.

It seems likely that spending more than 4 or 5 days in Vancouver is just going to make me sick, full stop. There's too much pot and other scent in public spaces, and honestly likely in many private homes. I guess that's something I can write off my list of activities.

On the other hand I may be able to be convinced that community can be worthwhile and I have a better sense of how I need to use my time. There are people who love, understand, and support me out there. Interacting with them one-on-one or in small groups is lovely and good for my soul. The internet seems to break rather than build community for me, and my attempts to spend less time on it have had really good results.

There's also a potential career opportunity coming up in the fall/winter. Nothing solid yet, but it could be good; work better suited to me and the ability to keep living in the same place.

Also lots of movement and big decisions for partners, and of course that always trickles down.

It feels like spring again, snowmelt starting to gather momentum. It's an important time to steer.

Pre-move, I am super sick. Today looked like this (pictures only, brain off)
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That's all so far.