So many moments

[greenstorm]

We can't plan to have lives together but I do feel loved. Even now.

I don't know what that means.

Maybe it's me having the same blind spot I see in people when they can't understand why I'd love another person too.

Also the network of people who care about me is definitely present and I'm much more mindful about using it.

What if everything does end up being ok?

What if, sometime in my life, there's once again someone from whom I don't need to guard my heart somehow?

Comments

[yarrowkat]

what if everything is okay, what if everything works out well? what if there are new people, yet unknown, around whom you need not guard your heart? <3

[greenstorm]

Or even known people, who grow? I think I'm always going to guard my heart at first. When I was nineteen that would have sounded defeatist to me, now it feels like a gradual stepping back of my guard as trust is earned is a balanced, adult thing to do. It's surprisingly freeing because I can have less fear of choosing "the wrong person" because they'll reveal themselves before I can become deeply hurt.

Everything has worked out well so far, I think. I don't trust it. I do trust me.

(laughs) I think I see what's happening there. So much fighting to make things ok, I've forgotten how to lie down and still feel safe.

[yarrowkat]

oh, i hear that. you/i push and push and push and push and then how is it even possible to not push? living is pushing. adrenal exhaustion, that.

known people who are grow are such a lovely delight. :)

[greenstorm]

How do I know if someone will grow? And in the direction that doesn't take them away from me?

Sad and tired this morning. Glad to be reminded of those people in my life, though.

[yarrowkat]

yeah. it does happen sometimes, tho. <3

[greenstorm]

It actually hasn't yet, for me, for varying distances of "away from". Like, they might be better at loving who I am, which is a kind of closeness, but we interact less and see each other much less because they're literally away.