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greenstormIt's my firm opinion that NRE exists to get us through the tremendous amount of work required to onboard new humans into intimacy. It's both fuel and motivation; without it the process would be such a slog it would never happen.
I don't have NRE with A&E.
Struggles:
1) Being the practical one in the room, who requests numbers and fact-checks. I like to be able to hear about plans and figure that whoever suggests it will reality-check it themselves; otherwise every conversation is stressful because I need to screen what's said for viability and then call out that viability. When I bring it up A says that yes, they can learn to do this but it's obviously my role right now. Functionally, though, this means I need to set up all the checks-and-balances systems myself or else be hypervigilant about stuff until they can take it on. This is more about deciding if things should happen or not rather than how it should happen, whatever it is.
2) In relation to 1, keeping an eye on appropriate scale and timelines during the operationalization. Knowing that x needs to happen before y which needs to happen before z, if they each take n number of days then x needs to be done on this date, y needs to be done on that date. Knowing that we have xx hours to devote to things, so we must cut off talking about or devoting resources to y so there are resources left for z.
3) Knowing when something is a statement of fact vs a negotiation. I think this is a communication issue that goes both ways. E spent weeks on a couple map proposals for fencing so I assume she must be very attached to that proposal; I would have sent over a ten-minute sketch and asked if that's on the right track before working more deeply on the proposal. I say "it looks like there's not going to be enough money in the system, I suspect I'm going to need to work more than you said in the beginning, should I be looking into this job?" and they hear it as a statement of what'll happen rather than a proposed solution I'm hoping they'll add to. There are a bunch of these; it's not surprising because I have a ton of trouble with this stuff generally (see also: PDA, declarative language).
4) Setting and holding my boundaries, over and over, when pressed for time, in casual conversation, over and over: "no, I won't talk about that unless we have something to visually look at together" and "I can't do that now, I need to work". They don't push when I state the boundary clearly in the moment. They do the same thing again two days later, and I need to restate. This is probably very good for me; I find it super hard to catch dissonance before it becomes annoyance and then drives me to state the boundary at that point. I'd like to be able to notice and state the thing before it is uncomfortable for me so this will hopefully get better with practice on my end. I would also like them to remember after a couple re-states and stop doing the thing.
There was a lot of this last weekend, which led to me taking yesterday (the snow morning, 10cm of snow!) off and just reading a bit and going back to sleep. I feel reasonably recovered. I knew this was going to be a process. This is one reason I value my old friends and partners so much: we've done this stuff, I do not have to do it again, and I know they can make it through the process.
I don't have NRE with A&E.
Struggles:
1) Being the practical one in the room, who requests numbers and fact-checks. I like to be able to hear about plans and figure that whoever suggests it will reality-check it themselves; otherwise every conversation is stressful because I need to screen what's said for viability and then call out that viability. When I bring it up A says that yes, they can learn to do this but it's obviously my role right now. Functionally, though, this means I need to set up all the checks-and-balances systems myself or else be hypervigilant about stuff until they can take it on. This is more about deciding if things should happen or not rather than how it should happen, whatever it is.
2) In relation to 1, keeping an eye on appropriate scale and timelines during the operationalization. Knowing that x needs to happen before y which needs to happen before z, if they each take n number of days then x needs to be done on this date, y needs to be done on that date. Knowing that we have xx hours to devote to things, so we must cut off talking about or devoting resources to y so there are resources left for z.
3) Knowing when something is a statement of fact vs a negotiation. I think this is a communication issue that goes both ways. E spent weeks on a couple map proposals for fencing so I assume she must be very attached to that proposal; I would have sent over a ten-minute sketch and asked if that's on the right track before working more deeply on the proposal. I say "it looks like there's not going to be enough money in the system, I suspect I'm going to need to work more than you said in the beginning, should I be looking into this job?" and they hear it as a statement of what'll happen rather than a proposed solution I'm hoping they'll add to. There are a bunch of these; it's not surprising because I have a ton of trouble with this stuff generally (see also: PDA, declarative language).
4) Setting and holding my boundaries, over and over, when pressed for time, in casual conversation, over and over: "no, I won't talk about that unless we have something to visually look at together" and "I can't do that now, I need to work". They don't push when I state the boundary clearly in the moment. They do the same thing again two days later, and I need to restate. This is probably very good for me; I find it super hard to catch dissonance before it becomes annoyance and then drives me to state the boundary at that point. I'd like to be able to notice and state the thing before it is uncomfortable for me so this will hopefully get better with practice on my end. I would also like them to remember after a couple re-states and stop doing the thing.
There was a lot of this last weekend, which led to me taking yesterday (the snow morning, 10cm of snow!) off and just reading a bit and going back to sleep. I feel reasonably recovered. I knew this was going to be a process. This is one reason I value my old friends and partners so much: we've done this stuff, I do not have to do it again, and I know they can make it through the process.
