Parallels

[greenstorm]

How much is my position exactly that of Jan's last year, with the roles reversed?

Comments

[http://users.livejournal.com/_locke/]

Actually this thought had occured to me as well.

Devil's advocate, as usual

[saxifrage00.livejournal.com]

And to me.

So the question is, what did you think he could/should have done that you might be able to do, now?

Alternatively, what did he do that worked that you can do?

More challengingly, what did you feel it necessary to do then that you see others doing now, and does it matter than you understand why?

[khamura.livejournal.com]

There are similarities, of the kind as you will find between most breakups. However, even in the face of these alluring parallels, don't forget the contextual differences between our relationship, and yours with Kynnin: ours was never a common relationship, in the "everyday" sense of the word. In all the time we shared, wonderful as it was, there were no ordinary days; and indeed the entire time we had together was -- I'm purposefully marginalizing the online times -- concentrated on the one-and-a-half months I could spare out of the break between terms, making it in a sense a "holiday relationship".

With that came strains that would have hardly figured in had it not been the Long-Distance Relationship it was, of which the financial one was clearly the weightiest (though also, I have to admit, the one most easily pushed aside -- what is money compared to love, after all?). Even had we not ended the relationship as we did, we (and first and foremost I) would have come to acknowledge the physical limitations inherent in our situation: I simply would have run out of the means to continue seeing you as I did then.

So, I don't think it is exactly the same to any degree beyond the simple parallel of the breakup as such; the context is just too different. I think the end of our relationship was probably less hurtful than it seemed to me then, for the simple reason that we were estranged at the time we parted ways. Trite as it is, I have come to think that it was probably better to have ended then (though it hurt, and quite a lot -- but these things do, and have to), rather than have it go out with a bang and a nasty realization of being unable to continue not for lack of feelings, but for an outer influence as mundane as money.

[greenstorm.livejournal.com]

I'm actually talking about a different situation now, with Chris and Mouse. I haven't been able to state it too well on livejournal right now because, well, I can't. It'll come someday.

Re: Devil's advocate, as usual

[greenstorm.livejournal.com]

He could/should have noticed that he was being jerked around by my lack of self-knowledge and thus my inability to set a hard bottom line. He could/should have realised that what he wanted from me was not what I could give, and have considered what to do with that in mind.

What did he do that worked? Well, he was patient with me, but that did not work for him. I just didn't have the ability to give him what he wanted.

I felt it necessary, then, to keep changing the perameters of the relationship over and over, to be constantly unhappy with all the situations we could devise, but to give it 'a fair shot' and to 'see if it could work'. At some point I realised that, right then, it just couldn't, and there the parallel diverges. Here I am being asked to give it two more tries, one 'interim' try and another after that where things will supposedly be settled.

In what sense should it matter? Should the fact that people are well-meaning change my response to their actions? It has been so far, and it has not made harmful actions any less painful. What would make the situation less painful is, well, fewer harmful actions. A malicious mindset would make things easier as well, because then I would not strign myself along.

Now, they are trying for fewer harmful actions between themselves, which is supposed to also result in fewer harmful actions for me. My dilemma is this, and it was Jan's dilemma while ago. When they say 'wait, it will be better soon' how many times do I believe that?

[khamura.livejournal.com]

Yeah, it didn't come across as that. :) Nevermind then.

Re: Devil's advocate, as usual

[saxifrage00.livejournal.com]

When I understand why you do something, often the first thing of value I get out of it is the realisation that it's not about me. When I can see that a hurtful thing you say isn't actually designed to hurt me but to protect yourself, that it's a flag that says you feel threatened, I can learn to hear it as a cry for a hug rather than as a "harmful action."

Do you see what I mean?