Gentle, please.
Aug. 15th, 2004 07:19 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
greenstormInnermost secrets, just what you wanted to hear, right?
I'm losing this battle.
Yes, I still have good and trustworthy friends. Yes, there's nothing really wrong with my life. Yes, there are things I do well and that I'm proud of, there are people and rats and fish that I love. There are even friends and family who love me.
I'm scared, though. As much as I've been able to convince myself when I'm feeling normal (which is most of the time) that everything is okay, everything is not okay. There's been twice in the last week where the (I hate this phrase) depths of my despair have really frightened me.
Regardless of whether this is 'normal' when grieving about sixty million major life changes in the last year, it's not okay. I need to do what I can to come out unscathed. However optimistic I can be the rest of the time, I may not come throug the dark bits.
Mom asked me what I wanted for my birthday. I'm going to see if she can cover some counsellor's visits, and do my damnedest to find a good counsellor as fast as possible. I've had bad experiences in the past, I know there are good ones out there, I don't have the luxury of spending time and money on someone who won't work well with me though.
I'm hoping I can get through this without being medicated again -- I was medicated for depression when I was about twelve-ish, and it was a terrible experience. I was also hooked up with a terrible counsellor and the physician who was medicating me did no diagnoses or check-ins on side-effects. I had pretty bad experiences, so you see where my hesitation comes from. I'd also like to feel I can do this on my own, whatever the tricks are that it takes.
In the meantime, I'll keep my mimimal-contact with Kynnin and Mouse, which is really helping me just to breathe from day to day, even if it's lonely. I may need to do the same with the Juggler, but hopefully... oh, fuck, hopefully I don't need to cut everyone I've had deep feelings for away just because they're emotionally unavailable pricks. Or, wait... hee. Okay. Hopefully everyone I've ever had deep feelings for aren't emotionally unavailable pricks.
(The perspective-monster chimes in: they're just protecting themselves. You know, if you've read any of this at all, how I struggle with this good-intentions thing. How can someone have god intentions and be bad for me? How can they act 'mean' to me but think they're acting 'kindly'? But I digress.)
So, yeah. Step one is admit there's a problem. There's a problem. Whatever I can be expected to feel right now, it's not safe for me. I have no one to safely and reliably talk to (no offense, honestly, but it's true) and I need that, and I need some outside perspective. I need to feel safe.
I hate admitting this. I wanted to give myself the satisfaction of coming through this whatever happend to my relationships and saying: look, I'm strong, I did this, you guys can't hurt me whatever you do.
Well, I'm hurt. Fault, no fault, whatever, I'm not 'good enough' to do this on my own. I'm brave enough to kick the negative stuff I have around finding help out the door and take care of myself, though, and that's what needs to count right now.
Deep breath. I'll be okay now, cause I'll do what I need to be okay.
Take care now.
I'm losing this battle.
Yes, I still have good and trustworthy friends. Yes, there's nothing really wrong with my life. Yes, there are things I do well and that I'm proud of, there are people and rats and fish that I love. There are even friends and family who love me.
I'm scared, though. As much as I've been able to convince myself when I'm feeling normal (which is most of the time) that everything is okay, everything is not okay. There's been twice in the last week where the (I hate this phrase) depths of my despair have really frightened me.
Regardless of whether this is 'normal' when grieving about sixty million major life changes in the last year, it's not okay. I need to do what I can to come out unscathed. However optimistic I can be the rest of the time, I may not come throug the dark bits.
Mom asked me what I wanted for my birthday. I'm going to see if she can cover some counsellor's visits, and do my damnedest to find a good counsellor as fast as possible. I've had bad experiences in the past, I know there are good ones out there, I don't have the luxury of spending time and money on someone who won't work well with me though.
I'm hoping I can get through this without being medicated again -- I was medicated for depression when I was about twelve-ish, and it was a terrible experience. I was also hooked up with a terrible counsellor and the physician who was medicating me did no diagnoses or check-ins on side-effects. I had pretty bad experiences, so you see where my hesitation comes from. I'd also like to feel I can do this on my own, whatever the tricks are that it takes.
In the meantime, I'll keep my mimimal-contact with Kynnin and Mouse, which is really helping me just to breathe from day to day, even if it's lonely. I may need to do the same with the Juggler, but hopefully... oh, fuck, hopefully I don't need to cut everyone I've had deep feelings for away just because they're emotionally unavailable pricks. Or, wait... hee. Okay. Hopefully everyone I've ever had deep feelings for aren't emotionally unavailable pricks.
(The perspective-monster chimes in: they're just protecting themselves. You know, if you've read any of this at all, how I struggle with this good-intentions thing. How can someone have god intentions and be bad for me? How can they act 'mean' to me but think they're acting 'kindly'? But I digress.)
So, yeah. Step one is admit there's a problem. There's a problem. Whatever I can be expected to feel right now, it's not safe for me. I have no one to safely and reliably talk to (no offense, honestly, but it's true) and I need that, and I need some outside perspective. I need to feel safe.
I hate admitting this. I wanted to give myself the satisfaction of coming through this whatever happend to my relationships and saying: look, I'm strong, I did this, you guys can't hurt me whatever you do.
Well, I'm hurt. Fault, no fault, whatever, I'm not 'good enough' to do this on my own. I'm brave enough to kick the negative stuff I have around finding help out the door and take care of myself, though, and that's what needs to count right now.
Deep breath. I'll be okay now, cause I'll do what I need to be okay.
Take care now.
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my recommendations are...
Date: 2004-08-15 07:33 pm (UTC)Maureen McEvoy - psychologist (my personal recommendation...issues with co-dependant relationships, emotional incest, etc.).
these two are in the phone book.
the problem with psychologists is that they're not covered by medical. finding a good psychiatrist is tricky as they have to be more experienced in order to be decent (more med. training, less psychology). for a psychiatrist i've been to, Dr. Nelken comes to mind (604)275-5844). he seemed on the ball and low key (move at your own speed).
good luck. let me know when/if i can help.
ps. ten bucks says you've been through worse and will come through this. may strength and wisdom prevail.
Re: my recommendations are...
Date: 2004-08-15 07:43 pm (UTC)Are you saying that psychiatrists -are- covered by basic med?
Being a pragmatic mom-type
Date: 2004-08-15 10:16 pm (UTC)1. Yes, shrinks are covered by basic medical
2. You can get one faster if you are (or claim to be) a danger to yourself or to others.
Be pragmatic.
Re: my recommendations are...
Date: 2004-08-15 10:31 pm (UTC)I'm sending good vibes your way. You're strong just for the fact that you are willing to look for help for yourself.
A psychologist that is poly-friendly and very good is Beverly Kort, her number is 604-734-4892. My advice is to talk to all the recommended ones and get a feel for whether they will get your world or not (i.e be compatible). I know money is likely at a premium, but you're worth it.
Re: my recommendations are...
Date: 2004-08-15 10:37 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2004-08-15 09:33 pm (UTC)trust me.
How to get a shrink: Go to a doctor. Tell them you're having problems with....
Emphasize the worst aspects of it, since we ARE in the world of cut-backs and waiting lists. Stoicism is for those who CAN wait 6 months.They will give you a referral.
*hug*
no subject
Date: 2004-08-16 12:50 am (UTC)I dragged myself out of my own long dark night of the soul and it took years and it was painful and ugly and it still rears its head from time to time. But I'm basically on top of it, so I know it does get better, even if you don't get help.
But there's no good reason for you to do what I did. :)