greenstorm | Gentle, please.

Innermost secrets, just what you wanted to hear, right?

I'm losing this battle.

Yes, I still have good and trustworthy friends. Yes, there's nothing really wrong with my life. Yes, there are things I do well and that I'm proud of, there are people and rats and fish that I love. There are even friends and family who love me.

I'm scared, though. As much as I've been able to convince myself when I'm feeling normal (which is most of the time) that everything is okay, everything is not okay. There's been twice in the last week where the (I hate this phrase) depths of my despair have really frightened me.

Regardless of whether this is 'normal' when grieving about sixty million major life changes in the last year, it's not okay. I need to do what I can to come out unscathed. However optimistic I can be the rest of the time, I may not come throug the dark bits.

Mom asked me what I wanted for my birthday. I'm going to see if she can cover some counsellor's visits, and do my damnedest to find a good counsellor as fast as possible. I've had bad experiences in the past, I know there are good ones out there, I don't have the luxury of spending time and money on someone who won't work well with me though.

I'm hoping I can get through this without being medicated again -- I was medicated for depression when I was about twelve-ish, and it was a terrible experience. I was also hooked up with a terrible counsellor and the physician who was medicating me did no diagnoses or check-ins on side-effects. I had pretty bad experiences, so you see where my hesitation comes from. I'd also like to feel I can do this on my own, whatever the tricks are that it takes.

In the meantime, I'll keep my mimimal-contact with Kynnin and Mouse, which is really helping me just to breathe from day to day, even if it's lonely. I may need to do the same with the Juggler, but hopefully... oh, fuck, hopefully I don't need to cut everyone I've had deep feelings for away just because they're emotionally unavailable pricks. Or, wait... hee. Okay. Hopefully everyone I've ever had deep feelings for aren't emotionally unavailable pricks.

(The perspective-monster chimes in: they're just protecting themselves. You know, if you've read any of this at all, how I struggle with this good-intentions thing. How can someone have god intentions and be bad for me? How can they act 'mean' to me but think they're acting 'kindly'? But I digress.)

So, yeah. Step one is admit there's a problem. There's a problem. Whatever I can be expected to feel right now, it's not safe for me. I have no one to safely and reliably talk to (no offense, honestly, but it's true) and I need that, and I need some outside perspective. I need to feel safe.

I hate admitting this. I wanted to give myself the satisfaction of coming through this whatever happend to my relationships and saying: look, I'm strong, I did this, you guys can't hurt me whatever you do.

Well, I'm hurt. Fault, no fault, whatever, I'm not 'good enough' to do this on my own. I'm brave enough to kick the negative stuff I have around finding help out the door and take care of myself, though, and that's what needs to count right now.

Deep breath. I'll be okay now, cause I'll do what I need to be okay.

Take care now.