(no subject)
Apr. 12th, 2024 08:04 am![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
greenstormI planted more seeds last night. Herbs: chervil, fennel grex, summer savory, sage, thyme, that sort of thing. Also some sunflowers. One flat of seeds, with another of melons and another of cucumbers to go, I think.
It's amazing not to be able to remember all the seeds I planted only last night. I have no ability to inhabit that space and time, to access what happened. I used to always remember plants.
I don't know why I'm planting them in some ways. It's a habit of hope over the years but I can't look into the future and see planting or using them like I used to. It's a habit of hope that creates a feedback loop, though, pulling me forward into the world where the seeds sprout and where I'm picking leaves for salads and scrambled eggs.
There's no hope in me right now. I don't have the energy.
I'm used to running out of energy and letting everything release, relaxing back and knowing I did my best and savouring the emptiness of impulse and mind that comes after a push. That's not happening much right now.
Whatever magic the meds I was on worked on the dark part of my cycle it's over. That dark part is spreading, the gyne that prescribed them is not answering my calls and hasn't for six months. I'm tapering off them, and the plan is to take the next day my doctor is in the walk-in off work, go in, and get her to fill out paperwork around me taking some time off.
It is going to take every piece of energy I have to survive this and push forward for better/different medical options to help. It will take every coping skill I have ever learned in my life. I'm pretty sure I can do it, but I'm still wrapping up my life's loose ends in case I can't. Honestly the wrapped-up loose ends will be helpful in getting through it too.
It's been very interesting indeed to realize that long covid can have a "neuropsychiatric" component. Whatever else has been going on with me, a lot of new stuff has arisen in the last few years, and these new symptoms that I've been attributing to the combination of perimenopause and PMDD, including the intense freeze-response anxiety that can lock me up for hours, the inability to remember things between one alt-f4 and another (it takes me roughly 4 alt-f4s to transcribe a phone number from one window to another because I can't reliably remember more than 2 or 3 digits now), and being locked in time are super problematic. Super super intrusive suicidal ideation is new to me: some minutes the thought will occur maybe 15-20 times within that one minute.
Those are different symptoms than the doom feeling, the intense irritability, and the general lack of skin or repulsion at the idea of people or interactions that I used to have cyclically. They also don't give me the anticipated break the way my cycle did.
PMDD is basically the body being allergic to changes in hormones, according to current thinking. So being on a pill for so long my body shouldn't be swinging around and the changes should be gone. However the new set of symptoms receeded a bit and it's back.
The first time the new symptoms showed up I tried bupropion for awhile. After maybe 7 months I didn't need it anymore and went off. That pattern interested me at the time, and I wonder if it wasn't a first pass at covid messing with those parts of my mind. Then it came back worse, and worse again.
I can definitely deal with my body doing all sorts of stuff. I can handle working lying down sometimes, cutting back on animals and improving my systems, working towards a more accessible house and lifestyle. I could craft a life around afternoon naps and even not operating machinery in the afternoons and evenings. I could probably set things up so occasional semi-paralysis is manageable. Even things like the photosensitivity/headache and less screen tolerance is manageable with shifts to routine. And I'm already doing so many workarounds for the memory thing that many folks likely don't notice.
It's really hard to have this loudspeaker in my head telling me I shouldn't live, though. My first priority is that. And I'm not sure whether I'm relieved or not think there might be a long covid aspect to it.
So I'm planting seeds, which I can do on autopilot, pushing back.
I scavenged a bunch of sliding doors from the dump the other day for a greenhouse. I'm not sure if I'll split the double panes apart or keep them together, but it's a ton of glass.
I'm continuing the hunt for a housesitter since the one I had fell through, for May and for pagany stuff in August.
I'm making that doctor's appointment to get time off so I can do all of that without wheels constantly falling off my responsibilities in all directions.
Once I've done that maybe I'll even be able to start planning the garden.
It feels good to know I have more seeds in the ground.
It's amazing not to be able to remember all the seeds I planted only last night. I have no ability to inhabit that space and time, to access what happened. I used to always remember plants.
I don't know why I'm planting them in some ways. It's a habit of hope over the years but I can't look into the future and see planting or using them like I used to. It's a habit of hope that creates a feedback loop, though, pulling me forward into the world where the seeds sprout and where I'm picking leaves for salads and scrambled eggs.
There's no hope in me right now. I don't have the energy.
I'm used to running out of energy and letting everything release, relaxing back and knowing I did my best and savouring the emptiness of impulse and mind that comes after a push. That's not happening much right now.
Whatever magic the meds I was on worked on the dark part of my cycle it's over. That dark part is spreading, the gyne that prescribed them is not answering my calls and hasn't for six months. I'm tapering off them, and the plan is to take the next day my doctor is in the walk-in off work, go in, and get her to fill out paperwork around me taking some time off.
It is going to take every piece of energy I have to survive this and push forward for better/different medical options to help. It will take every coping skill I have ever learned in my life. I'm pretty sure I can do it, but I'm still wrapping up my life's loose ends in case I can't. Honestly the wrapped-up loose ends will be helpful in getting through it too.
It's been very interesting indeed to realize that long covid can have a "neuropsychiatric" component. Whatever else has been going on with me, a lot of new stuff has arisen in the last few years, and these new symptoms that I've been attributing to the combination of perimenopause and PMDD, including the intense freeze-response anxiety that can lock me up for hours, the inability to remember things between one alt-f4 and another (it takes me roughly 4 alt-f4s to transcribe a phone number from one window to another because I can't reliably remember more than 2 or 3 digits now), and being locked in time are super problematic. Super super intrusive suicidal ideation is new to me: some minutes the thought will occur maybe 15-20 times within that one minute.
Those are different symptoms than the doom feeling, the intense irritability, and the general lack of skin or repulsion at the idea of people or interactions that I used to have cyclically. They also don't give me the anticipated break the way my cycle did.
PMDD is basically the body being allergic to changes in hormones, according to current thinking. So being on a pill for so long my body shouldn't be swinging around and the changes should be gone. However the new set of symptoms receeded a bit and it's back.
The first time the new symptoms showed up I tried bupropion for awhile. After maybe 7 months I didn't need it anymore and went off. That pattern interested me at the time, and I wonder if it wasn't a first pass at covid messing with those parts of my mind. Then it came back worse, and worse again.
I can definitely deal with my body doing all sorts of stuff. I can handle working lying down sometimes, cutting back on animals and improving my systems, working towards a more accessible house and lifestyle. I could craft a life around afternoon naps and even not operating machinery in the afternoons and evenings. I could probably set things up so occasional semi-paralysis is manageable. Even things like the photosensitivity/headache and less screen tolerance is manageable with shifts to routine. And I'm already doing so many workarounds for the memory thing that many folks likely don't notice.
It's really hard to have this loudspeaker in my head telling me I shouldn't live, though. My first priority is that. And I'm not sure whether I'm relieved or not think there might be a long covid aspect to it.
So I'm planting seeds, which I can do on autopilot, pushing back.
I scavenged a bunch of sliding doors from the dump the other day for a greenhouse. I'm not sure if I'll split the double panes apart or keep them together, but it's a ton of glass.
I'm continuing the hunt for a housesitter since the one I had fell through, for May and for pagany stuff in August.
I'm making that doctor's appointment to get time off so I can do all of that without wheels constantly falling off my responsibilities in all directions.
Once I've done that maybe I'll even be able to start planning the garden.
It feels good to know I have more seeds in the ground.
