Greenstorm's Journal

I planted more seeds last night. Herbs: chervil, fennel grex, summer savory, sage, thyme, that sort of thing. Also some sunflowers. One flat of seeds, with another of melons and another of cucumbers to go, I think.

It's amazing not to be able to remember all the seeds I planted only last night. I have no ability to inhabit that space and time, to access what happened. I used to always remember plants.

I don't know why I'm planting them in some ways. It's a habit of hope over the years but I can't look into the future and see planting or using them like I used to. It's a habit of hope that creates a feedback loop, though, pulling me forward into the world where the seeds sprout and where I'm picking leaves for salads and scrambled eggs.

There's no hope in me right now. I don't have the energy.

I'm used to running out of energy and letting everything release, relaxing back and knowing I did my best and savouring the emptiness of impulse and mind that comes after a push. That's not happening much right now.

( Med update and sui )

I can definitely deal with my body doing all sorts of stuff. I can handle working lying down sometimes, cutting back on animals and improving my systems, working towards a more accessible house and lifestyle. I could craft a life around afternoon naps and even not operating machinery in the afternoons and evenings. I could probably set things up so occasional semi-paralysis is manageable. Even things like the photosensitivity/headache and less screen tolerance is manageable with shifts to routine. And I'm already doing so many workarounds for the memory thing that many folks likely don't notice.

It's really hard to have this loudspeaker in my head telling me I shouldn't live, though. My first priority is that. And I'm not sure whether I'm relieved or not think there might be a long covid aspect to it.

So I'm planting seeds, which I can do on autopilot, pushing back.

I scavenged a bunch of sliding doors from the dump the other day for a greenhouse. I'm not sure if I'll split the double panes apart or keep them together, but it's a ton of glass.

I'm continuing the hunt for a housesitter since the one I had fell through, for May and for pagany stuff in August.

I'm making that doctor's appointment to get time off so I can do all of that without wheels constantly falling off my responsibilities in all directions.

Once I've done that maybe I'll even be able to start planning the garden.

It feels good to know I have more seeds in the ground.