Relationship Craziness

[greenstorm]

Okay. I've had three major relationship talks - the hard, exhausting kind -- with three different people in the last twenty-four hours. This is like a steamroller. I have one minor relationship and one major relationship that haven't needed maintenance and we're almost to the 24-hour mark, the rest of you had better hurry up to make it in.

I feel completely drained. I really need to figure out what to do in these situations. I don't think the dicussions will get easier, though I used to believe they would as I got better at communicating. I think I just need to learn to say, come talk to me next Wednesday when my batteries are recharged, if it can't wait you're down by one SO.

It feels immoral to say that, really wrong. Is it? No one's there for me 24 hours a day, and that's not through lack of will, that's through ability and prior commitments. Should I stop stretching my ability and bashing my prior commitments?

I need to figure out my boundaries.

Comments

[darthmaus.livejournal.com]

No, it's not immoral or wrong -- you know you best, and nobody can help you get your needs met if you don't voice them (can you tell I've been reading humanist psychologists?).

It might be less turmoil in the long run, though, if you could warn people before it got to the ultimatum level, though.

I'm exhausted too, and up for some relatively-lighthearted fun this weekend.

[greenstorm.livejournal.com]

*chuckle*

The idea of a warning is great in theory. I guess one just has to preface any contact with anyone with the warning. Or put an external brain sticky note on for them to see.

I need to try and get more explicit than 'I spent three hours talking to the SO and three hours talking to TOW' and get into the actual: I'm exhausted and if you want to bring something up you need to wait sort of warning, I guess.

Relying on other people to extrapolate seems to lead to trouble.

[darthmaus.livejournal.com]

The idea of a warning is great in theory. I guess one just has to preface any contact with anyone with the warning. Or put an external brain sticky note on for them to see.

No, no, that is not what I meant (and I'm sure you know that, but you write without smileys so it's hard to tell ;-) What I meant was that it's possible to know your own emotional patterns well enough to tell in advance when a continuing situation is going to make you feel the need to issue ultimatums (ultimata, I suppose?). When you recognize that pattern, then you can issue a warning.

I don't believe in disclaimers for any sort of human interaction -- reeks too much of a cop-out, and attempt to absolve one's self of the responsibility for one's feelings and actions.

Then again, we all know where that attitude gets *me*...

Maus,
occasional martyr to some vague cause in her head ;-)

[greenstorm.livejournal.com]

What I meant was that it's possible to know your own emotional patterns well enough to tell in advance when a continuing situation is going to make you feel the need to issue ultimatums (ultimata, I suppose?). When you recognize that pattern, then you can issue a warning.

Okay, I see what you're getting at. Given an interaction with one person I have no problem doing this. Here's where the problem comes in:

I have a heavy talk with person A. I'm feeling a bit wrung out. I have another talk with person B. I'm feeling pretty damn flattened. Person C, not knowing about either, comes and starts talking to me. If I don't give them a warning at the beginning of the conversation they won't know about the stuff with A and B, and given the way this stuff goes will in all probability begin initiating a heavy talk of some kind.

So although I might be able to recognise that I've hit my limit, I'm in the position where I need to convey that warning to everyone who might bring up relationship stuff, which is pretty much everyone I talk to.

Possible solutions?

1) Don't talk with B until I'm really wrung out, but instead save a bit for when C says, 'no, but we -really- need to talk' for the negotiation surrounding that.

2) Find a cardboard box and write out of order on it. Hide in the box and don't talk to people when I don't have anything left for discussions.

3) Train SOs to, when I say 'I don't have the energy for this', immediately drop the subject and not try to negotiate talking about it a little bit, or when we'll talk about it next, or can I just acknowledge this one point first.

4) Move to an island and ditch A, B, C, D, and E forever.

5) Carry a weapon (see point 3, just with more emphasis).

6) Some combination of 1 and 3.

7) Some combination of 2 and 5.

(consider a smiley added?)

[breklor.livejournal.com]

Some combination of 1 and 3 works, but don't underestimate the usefulness of 2 on occasion. :)

As long as you aren't using it consistently as an escape method, the tactic of running off to hide is perfectly valid. :)