Follies and Free Agents

The slicing blade of closure has taken my past from me. The other day, at my brother's Graduation, I saw my father for the second time in six or so years. He was in the same room with my Mom for the first time in seven or eight years.

This isn't some stupid teenage novel where I'm hoping they'll get back together. This is my life, where no lawsuits occurred, no one ended up crying, and so I'm...

Jubilant? No. Happy? Not even. Safe, perhaps. Closure has been achieved. I don't have that backup excuse to fall on any more. All those loose ends are tied up. All the people in that little tragedy are getting on with their lives by themselves, finally, and so my immense bitterness at how that worked out can finally be let go. And now what?

When you learn that sometimes things that you really need and really want can happen, that sometimes they do turn out alright, then what? It's time for a worldview revision and I'm not entirely sure what to put in its place. I'm a free agent now, really truly not controlled by that stuff anymore, and at somewhat of a loss.

And Even a Freer Agent?

And here's the thing, too. Watching the Juggler and the Other Woman has been keeping me feeling a little odd. There's a lot of the 'permanent' and 'committed' stuff in that relationship that I've thought I was seeking and it makes me feel a distinct sense of loss that I don't have it. I don't feel bad that they do; I just feel as if here's something very beautiful and I'm missing out on it.

Neither the Exotic nor the SO and I have that kind of trust and surety in each other. I'm not sure we ever can. I don't know, granted -- we certainly haven't had enough time to figure it out. I don't have it now, though, and I'm definitely feeling that lately.

This isn't to say that I don't get a lot out of my relationships or that they aren't important. I'm not even really sure what it is to say. Maybe it's just to state this feeling of loss and to get it out there where it's acknowledged and so I feel better about it. Loss is something I can deal with, after all.

It's interesting that it is a feeling of loss as opposed to, say, feeling envious or left out or even something missing. It doesn't feel like there's anyone or anything missing in my life so much as a space, a hole, where something's not there. That's probably partially caused by the family stuff, but who knows?

I'm also doing this swinging between homes thing, I suppose. There's no one single solid anchor to which I can attach myself, which is probably what this is all about when it comes right down to it. There's security, and then there's stability, and what I'm lacking is halfway in between. Predictability?

Bah.

I definitely feel both included and cared-for, here. I believe wholly and completely in the goodwill of these people. What I don't believe in is the situational goodwill, that something won't come up and make it impossible for their goodwill to mean much. I always do end up getting what I need, I should learn to trust more. Otherwise I just make it hard on myself worrying when I could be enjoying what I've got. Once in awhile, though, it's so hard...

I think a nap might be in order. Relax, finish my book, that sort of thing. Practice connecting so I can do it more quickly and the flux won't bother me.

Then, I'll keep you posted about the garden. Be well.

Progressive Greening

Alright. From left to right against the shed: Blue Crop Blueberry, Perle D'Azure Clematis, Brigitta Blueberry, Multi Blue Clematis, and Blue Ray Blueberry.

Also against the shed: a sky-blue nigella and a clump of the orange poppies.

In front of the shed, out a little, to the left: the white-and-gold Siberian iris. next to them, in front of Perle, the four stir-fry veggies are scatter-seeded in stripes: mizuna, rosette pak choi, red mustard, and pak choi. Empty space approximately that wide, then Warm Welcome rose in a pot against the fence waiting to go in there permanently, I think.

Also: marigolds mostly germinated in the Juggler's garden and the sunflowers up there too. Eggplant (Black beauty) start planted there with the two each sungold and beefsteak tomatoes. There's a pink perennial poppy of some kind blooming in that bed, and some red peppers of some kind or other.

I've got an Asao clem that I want to put in somewhere, and the nursery also had Polish Spirit, Pink Champagne, and Arabella, and some species clematis that looked interesting. Hmmm. They go have a lot of space where the veggie garden is right now. Alternating roses and clematis? They need a reine des violettes. Everyone does. Smells like lemons and sunshine.

To do next: acquite a tigress, a tropical sunrise, and a charles darwin. The first two for sure are at Southlands nursery. Then the roses can go in. Put some minis in below them and seed Saxatile Alyssum where there's nothing else to go in.

Also: get wintergreen and put it somewhere. Mmmmm... wintergreen is such a cool plant. Also, we've got the concrete to make stepping stones so it's just a matter of figuring out how we want to do a mold.

I discovered the side garden for the first time today. I hadn't paid much attention to it before since it was sort of established but I went through it today, removed the dandelions, and took stock. There's a bit of an open spot, two hydrangeas, two clumps of daisies, a long run of these red lily-like rhizomes with straplike leaves, and -- of all things -- buried in among the lily-things is a poor sad light-starved peony that I need to move out of there. The lillies must spread fast.

I'm resolutely ignoring the front yard until those shrubs are gone, but I did cut back the grass that was encroaching into the beds there. It's nice to have everyday chores to do, like watering, but it's driving me crazy that stuff isn't done. I just -can't- plant the roses until we have them all, and until I plant the roses I can't plant the alyssum... everything's all roadblocked. Poor garden.

Today was my first day alone at the Other House. Relaxingish, I got to putter around the garden and just sort of expand into the space, though not as fully as I can at home. The garden just isn't complete enough for it to be a real home yet.

I wonder if I can convince her to plant Austins in the front yard? Evelyn...?