2:30 Love Songs

Why is it that all the sad love songs are about failure? Why is it that I can't find a one that's beautiful, haunting, and conveys the sheer anguish of hanging on through the difficult parts simply because you know it's worth it, you know the people are worth it, and so you don't have the luxury of giving up? Why don't they ever say anything about the precipitous highs and lows that a relationship can bring, about how it's a cycle that really does keep happening over and over and how they're actually not going to give up over it and that because they aren't gonna give up it's harder than all the cheap pop top-40 things that complain about a past failure and how hard it is to say goodbye? Leaving someone means you have a fresh slate. Real confusion and worry sets in when you have it scrawled full and have to fill in the six really hard missing bits, and you can't just wipe it clean and redo the easy bits. You know?

Yeah, sure, I'm rambling. I need a song like this right now. A song that says, yeah, you're doing the right thing and sure it feels like crap sometimes, but you're doing the right thing and it will be worth it.

Oh, man. So many nights like this strung out in the past, and there are so many more in the future. Is this a major component of life? Forever?

It's good to be posting just a little again. It's good to be struggling for something important rather than flailing about uselessly for meaning. It's good to hurt because I love, and not because there's nothing to love. So? Don't worry. Be well. I will, soon enough, do the same.

Morning!

...and what a morning. The sun out there is amazing. One can't help but feel better, as predicted, and one gets to go home to one's garden and begin last minute planning for the poly retreat. One is... happy, actually, even if this is going to be a whole lot of work. I'm gonna earn this one, and it's good enough that it takes a lot of deserving to earn it.

Thanks, everyone, for the comments. Do you have that song, Estrellada? I'll need to listen through next time I'm there.

We love the all, the all of you
With lands of green and skies of blue
And all in all we're just like you
We love the all of you...


Wik, can you name it?

Brain Sticky Notes

Like that really long thread down there suggests, brain sticky notes would be very useful. One could insert a witty advertising reference here or quote the Monty Python string skit but one won't.

I need to remember to ask TOH people to bring Handmaid's Tale from their bedside, to the retreat, so I can return it. I also need to dig up a whole bunch of Locke's books to return, practice juggling, do my coding homework, clean the house, make love to the garden (in a sense. It misses me and needs fondling and grooming), and figure out poly retreat lists.

Can anyone think of anything I need to bring? My brain won't be functioning in the time before I need to leave. Sunscreen, bathing suit, running gear, some semblance of clothing, toothbrush... books... there's gotta be more to this.

The Winged One's taken up blogging, but in a place inaccessible to me without a bit of $$$ shelled out. Worth it? I'll think about it.

Locke's joined livejournal. This starts to drop the number of people I need to actually communicate with to... one, actually, since the Juggler's giving it up in favour of RL contact (hah! In this day and age no one has time for real contact, ol' man!).

Mom knocked on the front door of the House today just as the Juggler stepped out the back door. TOW met her very briefly, got all giggly. I'm waiting for Canada Day when we all head over to the boat to watch the fireworks. Muah! I have the coolest mom.

Juggling!

Got some practice for about half an hour or forty minutes with juggling. Caught six flashes, close-to-caught many more. Arms tired, proud of myself -- irritated, too, though. Four of those flashes were caught in pairs, so I'd do it right twice in a row and then screw up.

I definitely have the feeling that when I do it once I should be able to do it again. Right? If I /just/ got it...

Accuracy on throwing is a big problem, mostly because I freak out on trying to catch the second or third ball. I find that if I think 'up' 'up' 'up' instead of 'over' or 'to the next hand' it tends to go where I want it instead of way sideways or forward. I have these images of me getting the three-ball juggle and sitting there chanting, up, up, up, up...

I tried some of it standing up. Noticed that if I juggle with a sofa in front of me I can pick up the balls more easily when I throw them forward but that felt like cheating, so I moved away.

I'm so going to do this. Break now, though, arms starting to feel mildly sugar-low shaky and I still need to run today.

Relationship Craziness

Okay. I've had three major relationship talks - the hard, exhausting kind -- with three different people in the last twenty-four hours. This is like a steamroller. I have one minor relationship and one major relationship that haven't needed maintenance and we're almost to the 24-hour mark, the rest of you had better hurry up to make it in.

I feel completely drained. I really need to figure out what to do in these situations. I don't think the dicussions will get easier, though I used to believe they would as I got better at communicating. I think I just need to learn to say, come talk to me next Wednesday when my batteries are recharged, if it can't wait you're down by one SO.

It feels immoral to say that, really wrong. Is it? No one's there for me 24 hours a day, and that's not through lack of will, that's through ability and prior commitments. Should I stop stretching my ability and bashing my prior commitments?

I need to figure out my boundaries.

Running, Running, and Weird Paranoia Resolved?

TOH: Bring the digital camera to the retreat.

Just came in from a run with Mom which was kind of nice. I enthused to her about learning, both juggling and mushcode, and we talked a little bit about thought structures and form vs. idea development (not really vs, but whatever) in academic papers. We always end up talking about the purpose of language somehow.

We either cut our time so that it only took 45 mins, which would be surprising, or I misremembered the time when we set out and it took 55. Either way, pretty good/average and it was a good run: hard, but I did a lot more running on the home stretch than normal so I'm not sure what that means. Some days just feel harder than others, I guess.

I feel accomplished today, like I've been getting stuff done.

I also had a paranoid thought on the way up the stairs after running. I thought, maybe this relationship is all my fault. Maybe I'm doing really unreasonable things that send other people into righteous sort of tailspins so that when they've lost it I can stand there looking cool, calm, and reasonable to feed my ego? Maybe I push at other people on purpose?

Having thought of that it seems to be kind of ridiculous right now, but it was a definite Thought.

My love and my concerns to the Exotic. Please be sleeping well and peacefully and thinking the things you need to be thinking. I talked with the SO a little bit and I have more to say. I forgot the gentle parts while trying to make my stand and it probably came out wrong.

Sorry to co-opt this space for a public apology, but it is warranted. On to the life and times of Greenstorm? The bird of paradise is slightly sunburnt, the glowing amber rose is unbelievably beautiful now that it's blooming, some of the minis seem to have powdery mildew and a bit of aphid damage that I need to do something about, the clematis is budding right along, Buttercup rose is blooming oh, oh, oh so beautifully in that lovely orange/yellow colour, the yellow patio rose has faded to a neat green, the carnations are huge flaming cascades of red, the baby leaves on the african violets are growing, the violets outdoors are growing and the sterling silver is tentatively recovering, the baby's breath is a mass of blooms and Cecile Bruenner continues to go pretty-poofy-pink, the alyssum is all spreading out wide and groundcovery...

That's more like it, hmm?

More after the extensive watering I need to get in tomorrow morning. Now let's see if I can grab the SO for some sushi before he needs to go to work...

And oh, yeah. I'm going to learn to juggle. So pthbt! :D

Wait, There's More!

Going for sushi in two minutes, but first:

The universe always humbles those who get above themselves. The SO picks up the juggling balls and pokes around for a minute and gets a flash in the space of, say, ten minutes with my extremely inexpert instruction.

I could feel bad. I could feel competitive. But he did have a pretty big grin when he came in to say he'd done it. Empathy and not competition. Repeat five times and get back to me on Monday.

With the juggling and the running together I feel very alive and vital; my body's been used as it should be, thouroughly and well, and it's all woken up. I'm... not joyous, not overwhelmingly content or comfortable, but rather happy, I suppose. I guess I'm getting used to watching the sunrise from the back end enough that it doesn't effect me so badly -- that or I'm just getting myself together. If the latter is the case, watch out world when I sleep regular hours!