Right.

From a private free-write, direct from my brain to the screen:

I don't like needing people, especially people who are already comitted elsewhere. I shouldn't need people, they have enough to do without worrying about me.

And the thing is that I'm pretty good at keeping my needs hidden, or at cutting myself off from the possibility of them getting stronger. I'm definitely starting to feel internal pressure to back off from, like, half my relationships right now because certain of my needs can't be met in them -- the instinctive solution is to cut off any chance of getting the need filled through that route at any, so I don't feel the loss when it occurs per instance.

Thing is, I can't get around that one intellectually. My needs would infringe upon other peoples' needs/happinesses. I really do need to keep them out of this situation or it'll blow up on me. And I think we are talking the kind of poison-stomach double-over-and-whimper sort of needs, which really sucks.

I can't get a reasonable perspective on this at four in the morning. I don't have a lot of time to get myself together though. Some tests are coming up pretty quick.

Be proud of me. I'm stepping into fire here deliberately because I think I'm strong enough to come out the other side, and the other side is where I need to be.

Pray for me, or personal equivalent (post livejournal messages, is that the local equivalent? ;P) that I really am strong enough to do this. I feel just a little bit battered.

And... be gentle to yourself for me. I like you guys all in one piece and smiling, and there are enough hard bits that you deserve something in the spaces between.

Late Night Burning Quiz

It wears her out...
It wears her out...
It wears her out...
It wears... her out.

If I could be...
Who you wanted.
If I could be
Who you wanted
All the time...

Wik? Easy one, I think.

Now back to bed. Finish sleeping. Bloody interrupted nights. :P

Progress

Got my coding assignment and the quiz done for this week, which is good. I'm a little bit sad because the assignment is buggy; it fits the criteria but it also screws up at odd times as well. I played around with trying to fix that a bit but it requires some higher-level stuff (or else a brilliant way of using the stuff we have now, which I am sure is out there).

It feels nice to have that done. Left: way too much stuff, and here I'm sitting on the internet. I have the feeling I'll do the bare minimum to get by before we leave for the retreat/Van tonight.

It's a nice morning. I'll go get busy now.

More Progress.

So, garden watered, some juggling practice done (against a wall, so I did really well because I could catch the ones that bounced. Next block is in the middle of the room saying 'up' so I can practice throwing without need for a wall :P)

No sunburn acquired despite an hour and a half outside, yay for me.

Have the extraordinarily strong urge to go back to bed and hide under it for a couple of days instead of doing housework, packing, and going on to social stuff. The prospects for me having a partner in anti-social crime this weekend are lower than expected, so we'll see how it goes.

Debating whether to bring a book or three. If I don't, I will find other things to do...

Bah. Will stop procrastinating on breakfast. Later.

Quick Musing

I'm kind of pleased with the forum-style conversations that are going on in the livejournal. I mentioned something before (and have been harping on) the fact that it isn't 'real' communication. I think that a couple of these have turned into some kind of actual communication-feeling thing for me, where perhaps I don't feel like the original post was communicated but that there is some interaction going on in the comments about neat ideas.

I've always liked forum-style communications in that you get to have an 'ordered' conversation -- unlike RL everyone can say their bit where they need to without cutting anyone off, and can take time to think their responses out.

So I really like this. I may need to figure out some way to keep the interesting discussions on the front page, or something. Is there a way to set LJ to display last-altered (commented or posted to) at the top instead of the last-posted only format?