This Is My Life.

Well. I haven't been very independent lately, but I've been enjoying myself nonetheless. I went to Hellboy with 'them' and recognised explicitly that i have a huge appreciation for comic-book sensibility, especially that cartoon sort of moral dilemma/dark loneliness/huge powers/we're different because we're alone thing going on. I think that in some ways comic book stuff like that serves as the abstract art of storytelling.

My rat babies are growing like crazy, which is wonderful. :) I looked at the local (Vancouver Island) rattery page again, and they have new babies up. I'm thinking, well, three wouldn't be that much more than two... *sigh* They've got one named Myth, which seems like a sign... *sigh* ...but no impulsiveness right now, I think. Perhaps in a little while. I do love those I have, and training them's definitely some work.

The garden's mostly being done by the Juggler over there -- due to the new system (which I like so far) I don't tend to 'hang out' over there much, and so most of my time is focused and therefore not private gardening time. I don't feel any pressure to change that yet, though I expect at some point I'll start going to visit the garden instead of people. We'll see how that works with this shift I'm making to more alone-time with people. I worry about running out of time, or treading on their time with each other, but that can of course be resolved as it becomes a problem or beforehand with communication.

Our sofas are gone, replaced by the futon, so we now have to sort of sleeping venues in the apartment. This may simplify things.

Now I need a big hammock stand and/or a cooshy basket chair, because the futon's a pretty sit-upright sort of furniture and I never sit upright.

There were a bunch of movies previewed that I want to see, specifically I, Robot (I will close my eyes through the credits so I won't associate it with Asimov's stuff, then I'll enjoy the booms) and something about some guy bent on vengeance where he blows things up to kill John Travolta. I like things blowing up.

There is also a movie called 'White Chicks' which is probably the movie which I least want to see in the world. Not sure how these particular previews were supposed to be targetted, but they seems to be a bit scattered.

Also, I need to get a bunch of plaster-hangers, to stick some things up on the wall. We'll be here for a bit for sure now, not moving, so might as well settle in.

Take care.

More Greenstorm Daily Update

I feel so competent, and attractive, and whole, and ... I don't know. This volunteer stuff is good for me. I love working with a team of people who are there because they like to be, because they care about something and are willing to put their time and effort where their mouths are. It's so energising.

I love my rats, too. We had playtime for something like an hour and a half today. They seem to like me too. :)

I wonder if, if I had some part-time little relationships, they would have this same effect? Things that I go to once or twice a month, that aren't really entangled in the whole complicated vortex of Relationship Stuff. I wonder if it matters? Hm.

It's cool to sit at a table of cool people as a peer, did I mention that? Not people who are all right all the time, or who are deferential, or patronising, just people who do stuff and accept me as one of them. It's good.

Date tomorrow with TOW, and guiding as well. This weather we've been having is fantastic, and I got my first sunburn of the year the other day. Well, my first more-than-face sunburn, just a light one, when I was on a date in the garden with the SO. I hope it holds for tomorrow. :)

Lots of cool people to do stuff with (_greenwitch_, Wednesday? Estry, Fri or Mon? Monday might be better for me. TOW, possibly the Juggler if we can arrange time, possibly Trevor who I haven't talked to for awhile) and so I think my time will be pleasantly full. Not too, too much work this week, which is okay by me.

Hm. I'm tired and hungry. Gonna work on those two before tomorrow. Be well. :)

Balmy Spring Evening Thanks

I thank you, who or whatever you are, for:

...the contented warmth of summer where sun-warmed concrete scent mingles with industrial cooking grease and hyacinth blossoms. The city is a sweet, sweet place to be during the summer, and it has a perfect me-shaped space in it.

...the energy and enthusiasm of people I know, and

...the love of other people I know, and

...the way I am learning to be secure in that, even when they're not there to tell me constantly.

...as always, my new babies that are always there to tell me they love me when I need it.

...my garden, which is potential incarnate. What's a more potent symbol of potential than a freshly dug stretch of soil? We even call it pregnant with seed.

...my freedom to structure my life, so often, to my own rhythms, and

...that amongst all the life rhythms of the people I love, I have had time with so many of them in the last week, good solid talking time that left me feeling connected. May every week be as good.

Thank you. :)

Bah.

So what's with this? How come I feel so secure in some contexts, and so insecure in others? It really does seem to be context-related for me.

Should I remove the contexts that make me feel bad? Work through them? How can I tell which I should do? Should I try one and then the other?

Are my lifestyle choices adversely affecting my state of mind in a significant way? Is there any reason why I should be worrying this early in the game? Is there any reason why I am? Are my worries just worries, in other words, or are they based on any evidence?

Is guarding my enthusiasm worth it?

These late-night questions brought to you by the society for keeping people out of Greenie's house on weeknights. :P