Another Morning, Another Post

...well, that hardly seems inevitable given how I'm posting lately. Anyhow. What's up?

Spent some nice time with Trevor last night, and some nice time with the Juggler the... well, not the night before that, but yesterday. I am never, never going to date anyone in software development of any kind again except on an entirely casual basis. Remind me of this if I get optimistic and start talking about someone like that. It doesn't work.

What else? Well, I'm going to the Vanpoly retreat this weekend, as in, the one coming up. I can tell I'm busy when I start compressing time like that, skipping over the next couple of days because they're full so that it becomes 'this weekend' on a Sunday. I have work and possibly moving in there somewhere. The retreat will be a welcome break. It's important that I bring a hammock and a cooler, and that I spend time in the hot tub.

I'm such a stressbucket right now. That's one of the guy's terms. We're trying sort of round 2 of doing things like a group with me, the Juggler, Mouse, and sometimes the guy. I get really paranoid about it. I really don't understand how everyone can want it to work and then it doesn't. I mean, I need challenges, yeah -- and just going through with this stuff is my biggest challenge right now, because I'm so afraid that if I walk into something like this it'll blow up.

There's a brunch today to discuss the possibility of us going to Clinton. That's all, a couple of hours at most. Funny thing to be scared of, right?

Hm. There's more interesting sex stuff to put in here, but again I won't. It's weird, I very rarely have the feeling that my journal is a public forum, but once in awhile I do. Making it friends-only would only make it worse. It's a case where I need a non-friends-only thing , or maybe I should private-journal it? Oh, well. Date's marked now, for future reference.

I'm catching up on my sleep, I'm enjoying the game (http://www.livejournal.com/users/merielle is a logbook for my RP with a new char I have. Almost empty now, but it'll fill up over time) although I don't have much time for it. I'm trying to eat enough, and also thinking about things I can eat at the retreat.

I've forgotten how to be still and quiet. I miss that. I need to re-learn, but I'm not putting in the energy to do so.

I think that's about it for now. Take care, and until next time.

Oh, yeah.

I'm going to try to limit myself to two hours of angst per day. That is, I can think about/talk about/be in unhappy situations for two hours, then I do something else until the next day.

Fear?

Well, my fear was unwarranted. Here it's written, in case I need it sometime: sometimes when I fear something strongly, it is unwarranted.

There are other things that swarm around me tonight, not fears but little nagging pieces, and they're balanced by smaller joys and anticipations. I'm therefore not quiet nor at peace, but I am balanced. I'm not sure how to get back to that peaceful state.

I feel confined. Is that odd? So many things constrain me right now, and it's important that I go through that quietly and look for ways to solve them rather than tossing everything away from me in a big reactionary gesture.

I'd think it's strange that I fluctuate so much between dependancy and claustrophobia, but it seems on some level to make sense.

We'll all find peace someday. I do believe that. Does anyone else think peace is important? If you have a drive, what is it that the drive leads you towards? Leads is the wrong word, perhaps. What are you pulled towards?