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Sep. 4th, 2004
So I think that, with this weekend with the Juggler coming up, I'm trying to pretend to myself that I can have a normal relationship with him. I need to not do that. It'll hurt pretty badly at the end of it if I do.
Today is a puttering day. It was going to be a videogame day, but Tillie's computer's all passworded, so I can't play Heroes of Might and Magic III on it. That's an oversight on her part, I think, as she'd offered. Heroes is one of the few games I play, along with Scorched Earth, Civ I, and Dragon Warrior.
It also means I had to figure out how to play CDs on the DVD player. Interesting. I hate things that need remotes. I realise I've been living in a tech-limited world despite my heavy reliance on this computer here.
So, instead of playing videogames, I'm roleplaying idly while doing dishes/roomcleaning and toying with my self-image surrounding relationships. It's looking like my life might be turning into one of those 'relationships every third weekend and keep them out of the rest of my life' sort of deal, which is interesting. There's just no one appropriate and available to share more with.
Available, Greenie, is part of appropriate. Remember that.
I think I'm getting over the lonliness factor now, which is kind of nice. I'm switching gears from having a few intimates to a bunch of people I know... which given the way I act, kind of means many intimates, not on a sexual level but on an honesty level. I'm sure Juggler's gonna have a problem with that, but eh. Somehow the 'I don't want to schedule too much with you this week because I don't like scheduling' plus the 'I'm sorry, I can't spontaneously talk to you on the phone, I have six dates scheduled with other people this week and I need to get to them' combination doesn't lead me to want to listen real well to him in that department.
I shouldn't be bitter about this on lj, but the truth is I just am not getting time to hash it out with him, and I need to let it go somewhere. I don't mind talking to him first about things and letting us sort them out before I 'go public', but there is a maximum time I'll wait in there.
Yeah. Not everyone's like that, right? :P
Today is a puttering day. It was going to be a videogame day, but Tillie's computer's all passworded, so I can't play Heroes of Might and Magic III on it. That's an oversight on her part, I think, as she'd offered. Heroes is one of the few games I play, along with Scorched Earth, Civ I, and Dragon Warrior.
It also means I had to figure out how to play CDs on the DVD player. Interesting. I hate things that need remotes. I realise I've been living in a tech-limited world despite my heavy reliance on this computer here.
So, instead of playing videogames, I'm roleplaying idly while doing dishes/roomcleaning and toying with my self-image surrounding relationships. It's looking like my life might be turning into one of those 'relationships every third weekend and keep them out of the rest of my life' sort of deal, which is interesting. There's just no one appropriate and available to share more with.
Available, Greenie, is part of appropriate. Remember that.
I think I'm getting over the lonliness factor now, which is kind of nice. I'm switching gears from having a few intimates to a bunch of people I know... which given the way I act, kind of means many intimates, not on a sexual level but on an honesty level. I'm sure Juggler's gonna have a problem with that, but eh. Somehow the 'I don't want to schedule too much with you this week because I don't like scheduling' plus the 'I'm sorry, I can't spontaneously talk to you on the phone, I have six dates scheduled with other people this week and I need to get to them' combination doesn't lead me to want to listen real well to him in that department.
I shouldn't be bitter about this on lj, but the truth is I just am not getting time to hash it out with him, and I need to let it go somewhere. I don't mind talking to him first about things and letting us sort them out before I 'go public', but there is a maximum time I'll wait in there.
Yeah. Not everyone's like that, right? :P
I keep reading that poem, and I keep crying.
It's sunny out now, the cloud and the rain is gone. I could go out, there are people I could call, there are things I could do.
There's no one, though, who I can give this poem to and have them understand why it is I keep crying.
There's no one to whom I can give the poem and have it make them cry.
An act of worship:( Read more... )
I understand sometimes why we choose to worship a distant diety instead and above and beyond anything flesh and bone and blood. It's because flesh crumples when it's worshipped.
It's sunny out now, the cloud and the rain is gone. I could go out, there are people I could call, there are things I could do.
There's no one, though, who I can give this poem to and have them understand why it is I keep crying.
There's no one to whom I can give the poem and have it make them cry.
An act of worship:( Read more... )
I understand sometimes why we choose to worship a distant diety instead and above and beyond anything flesh and bone and blood. It's because flesh crumples when it's worshipped.
It Begins.
Sep. 4th, 2004 11:04 pmI collapse into a black hole from the weight of my own undisturbed silence, until every hint of radiance darkens to those around me and curls inwards, to add weight to the pull which folds me in on myself in an endless cycle.
Now to the dancing.
And no, I don't really expect anyone except Khamura and saxifrage00 to know what I mean by any of this, if them.
Now to the dancing.
And no, I don't really expect anyone except Khamura and saxifrage00 to know what I mean by any of this, if them.