Ick.

I don't like this new setup at all. Oh, well.

What I was going to say was, spent last night with the Juggler, spent Tuesday being sick,spent today catching up on work I missed Tuesday and thus missed more pictures but can hopefully reschedule, and am realising:

The big problem with setting boundaries and planning things in advance is that sometimes it means you don't do things that will come back to bite you in the ass later. As nice as this is later, it does mean not doing some things, which occasionally sucks. Hopefully it also means only getting bitten on the ass when I request it.

I think I'm on the right path now, though. That's a good thing.

Ye Gods

So on Chiaroscuro, one of my characters has a son. Chiaroscuro has things like noble families and arranged marriages.

So I spent the evening explaining why it was important to do things like follow authority structures and consider marriages before you did them... well, my char did.

I'm totally drained. Who'da thought?

I'm also (not on the game) uneasy/upset about some personal stuff. Specifically, I'm concerned that my fluid bond with the juggler might have been dependent on me being monogamous with him. Not dependent on me taking time to get partners tested and using safe sex with them, but monogamous, period.

Thing is, of course, he can't offer much in the way of incentive for that-- not much time, not much emotional energy, etc. He has his primary relationship. Now where this comes from is in some ways irrelevent, whatever his reasoning behind it, whatever his drives that lead him to this.

I feel pretty bad about it, because... well, because it looks like the situation, if it changes, will do so based on who I'm not dating anymore, and not because of any other reason.

Now, I know I don't deserve/am not entitled to a fluid bond any more than I deserve/am entitled to any time with him, etc. That's something that we would decide to do, or to stop doing, based on what our lives looked like right then.

But man! It seems like, measured from the decision to stop dating Mouse/Kynnin, our relationship is just going to keep distancing. Less time, less emotional intimacy, less whatever...

So the question is, why do I do this? Cause I love him, cause I enjoy what we do have, when we have it. Cause I'm hopeful a way can be found to reach the end of this steady stream of lowerings, to settle into something...

Am I an idealist?

Is it childish to say that, whatever other people might give me, however good they might be to me, however happy I might be with them, I want the Juggler too?

But this is me giving in to feeling bad, and it's not helping. He's a luxury for me, I need to remember that, and I can only keep him if I keep feeling good about myself overall.

Bah.