Resolution

Tuesday, Wednesday, and Thursday nights of next week i will sleep in my own bed, company or no.

Yesterday I spent a fair amount of rehearsal time staring into space. This after installing 600 poinsettas in the Pan, and doing my normal work route. Guess what? I understand what that means now.

I need to get act II memorised for Friday, my half-hour presentation written and presented on Monday, my furniture rearranged on Saturday such that my new antique dresser can fit, my business officially turned over Saturday morning, work plus work tonight, and more work tomorrow. Workworkwork. Anyhow.

I am still happy. I need to plan a vacation weekend for myself, though, one that isn't littered with other obligations. Do you know how hard that is to do?

We Call This Random.

So I have Devon's Topping Book. This is as good a place to start as any.

I brought it with me today, thinking I'd hook up with her and return it. Our schedules didn't end up meshing, so I started rereading it on the bus home. I've topped now, twice, baby-steps-scaredy-topping, and it means something a little different to read now (I should be memorising R&G lines, but oh well).

In the beginning of the book, there's a list of reasons one would top another. The book is trying, basically, to explain why it's fun. One of the reasons particularly stood out to me.

Nurturing.

This seems counter-intuitive, no? You're mean to someone you beat them or hurt them, and then you turn around and you say, good girl, you did that so well, oh poor baby you're hurt and you take care of them for awhile. I like the topping thing for many reasons, but this one is the most emotionally powerful for me. I love taking care of people. It gets in at me sideways, under and around barriers, and I sort of fall to pieces.

I'm sort of falling to pieces lately, in the good way. My life floats around me, just hanging there suspended, and it's incredibly full right now.

My roommate is totally freaked out by the idea of poly. How does that work?, he'll say. What does she do when you're over there building kayaks? There is, obviously some info I haven't imparted there yet.

For awhile I was effectively monogamous. Now, I'm not. I love this whole cloud of people, and I have sex with a couple of people, and the groups overlap only in one place-- my bosses, being a couple of gay guys, refer to him as 'my partner' which makes me feel warm and glowy. I'd like them to overlap in a couple more, *but*-- I find that having people on both ends of the spectrum, and not just because it's the same person across the whole thing, makes me ecstatic. Literally ecstatic, actually. I swear I glow some days.

Mom's here for dinner, more later, perhaps. I'm home tonight. I've been fantasizing abotu staying home and doing laundry, and finally tonight it will happen. Last night--

--but no, later.

-Continuation.

-last night I ended up going to Juggler's and finishing ripping the boards one way, so now we have about 72 1 1/2"x1/3" strips (We've made a cut about 1440 feet long so far, and dulled one tablesaw blade). Next we cut them all from 1 1/2" wide to 3/4" wide, then run them through the thickness planer. But! It's green wood, and the important part (getting it thin so it can dry) is done, and we can stop pushing so hard on kayak stuff for a little while.

Today was so, so, so beautiful out. I worked in North Van, and going across and home on the seabus made me want to take the Zodiac or the rowboat out so badly I could have cried. If the weather holds for this weekend that's what I'm doing, and screw the culture crawl. Anyone wanna come, if so? Zodiac in this weather (and you need to dress warm) would be approximately like being hung up in a meat freezer, drenched with water, being beaten with a very large heavy object with a fan turned on you. Fun, believe it or not. Rowboat would be quiet and picturesque.

The dinner with mom and family was fabulous. Mom's going back to school, her application due Dec 1st. she wants to complete her PhD. There's a ton of neat stuff going on, her proposal is cool, etc. I love my family so much. Tillie, are we doing American Thanksgiving at your place still?

Er, tangents. So anyhow, last night I didn't sleep as much as I was hoping. Since it's only quarter to nine now, and I don't have to be at work till ten (unlike the 8am start today) I have hopes for the sleep thing. I'm also in the middle of (yet another) I love everyone night. These things are pretty great, you know? On my antisocial nights I think that when I finally go crazy I'll end up on an island with my rats; on nights like these I think when I finally go crazy I'll spend all day everyday calling people and saying 'I love you'.

I think I ovulated today. I should pay attention to these cycles. Time for an lj tag.

So anyhow, sex. That's where this post started, way down there. There's a range for me, in sex, from 'meatsex' (body-sex, no higher thought processes, this-feels-good-do-it) through stuff involving creativity ('BDSM/roleplay sex') or intimacy, down to 'symbolic sex' where the reason it's so great is that sex is one of those ultimate interaction symbols (and the enjoyment comes from the sheer one-ness or closeness of the experience. Don't get me wrong, where the mind goes the body follows, but this sort of thing feels very different). This stuff is all good, and I'm getting a wide range of it right now, so I'm happy.

As a kind of random note, I need more patty-cake nursery rhymes. I need them for some interactions with Tillie I've been having.

(Miss Molly had a steamboat, the steamboat had a bell-- sort of things).

So yeah. I love you guys. Be well.

Anger and Experience.

So in the midst of this sex/emotion/BDSM tangle that I've been picking at for the last few hours, there is the topic of Anger. Here's the thing.

I don't get angry. When I get angry, I feel bad. I don't behave in angry ways towards people willingly, for the most part. Anger is something I'm immensely uncomfortable with in myself, and I'm tons better now than I was before.

In the last few scenes where I've bottomed, I've felt flickers of anger, one scene in particular comes to mind. I really like this feeling, anf it's also scary.

I guess some of this stuff, the controlled-scene-BDSM stuff, is like bungee jumping, except the chasm and the elastic are mental, vast spaces and anchors which I use to explore myself. But! Enough babble on that front.

So one of the things that happens when I get angry is that I get worried. OMGOMG, I think, Imighthurtsomeoneandthenwhat? Juggler's pretty strong, and I know he'd be able to deal, but this is not the voice of rationality I'm talking about. So, I get to experience anger a bit, and that feels really nice and intimate, as exploring new places with someone always does, but I can't take it the full distance.

So I think, finally, I've found a good non-symbolic use for bondage in a scene, finally. If I get tied up, I can get angry enough that it can become physical, I can express it as much as physically possible, and the bondage provides the safety net, the reassurance that no matter what I do I'm not physically free to hurt anyone. So, with the elastic of that reassurance, I can... jump.