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Everyone's doing a retrospective
Dec. 31st, 2022 10:02 pmI won't, since I'm not entirely in my right mind with some medication stuff happening. But:
This has been a year of tremendous loss for me. Not just the loss of a planned community and a partner, but also of a lot of trust in people: trust that folks who love me, care about me, and relate with me will tell me what's going on. I think I've been deliberately misdirected, withheld from, and lied to more in this last year or two by people I love than at least I ever figured out before, about anything except poly (I have come to expect to be lied to and withheld information from in the beginnings of someone's poly journey).
That is pretty dark. We'll see if it survives the light of whatever comes once my body has some sort of chemical adjustment.
On the other hand, this is the year I really get my 12-year-old self back, with my joys and my interests. That means a lot. I have bags of seeds that I grew. Today I wore clothes I made and snuggled with my animals.
People show up in a kind of attenuated way; not with deep intimacy, but certainly with care. There is, after everything, no one who feels truly safe and comfortable to talk to. There are people who we enjoy being around each other. My foot in the human world is light sometimes, and it feels strange.
I've come to extra value my mom. She is still there. Who knew she'd be the last one standing? Actually, no, she's always been the last one standing. She's too stubborn to go down. I guess we share that.
Tonight I'll draw a card, or some cards, from my deck in observation of the human new year. I'll drink some water and sleep. Tonight I can't see the future beyond that.
This has been a year of tremendous loss for me. Not just the loss of a planned community and a partner, but also of a lot of trust in people: trust that folks who love me, care about me, and relate with me will tell me what's going on. I think I've been deliberately misdirected, withheld from, and lied to more in this last year or two by people I love than at least I ever figured out before, about anything except poly (I have come to expect to be lied to and withheld information from in the beginnings of someone's poly journey).
That is pretty dark. We'll see if it survives the light of whatever comes once my body has some sort of chemical adjustment.
On the other hand, this is the year I really get my 12-year-old self back, with my joys and my interests. That means a lot. I have bags of seeds that I grew. Today I wore clothes I made and snuggled with my animals.
People show up in a kind of attenuated way; not with deep intimacy, but certainly with care. There is, after everything, no one who feels truly safe and comfortable to talk to. There are people who we enjoy being around each other. My foot in the human world is light sometimes, and it feels strange.
I've come to extra value my mom. She is still there. Who knew she'd be the last one standing? Actually, no, she's always been the last one standing. She's too stubborn to go down. I guess we share that.
Tonight I'll draw a card, or some cards, from my deck in observation of the human new year. I'll drink some water and sleep. Tonight I can't see the future beyond that.
