Sadness and Depth

[greenstorm]

So, here, I've been spending a ton of time with the Juggler lately. Really a ton, more than I have in a really long time, more one on one time than I have ever, maybe.

I knew from the beginning that this wouldn't last forever.

A couple of weeks ago I thought it was slipping, and that's fine. Now I think it's slipping again, without any real evidence (there hasn't been enough time to take an average), and that's fine.

And I feel sad every time I talk to the Juggler on the phone in the last week or two (though luckily not on dates with him, which messes up the dates, so that's good) and that's fine too.

It's actually okay to feel sad when someone who's a big warm fuzzy happy thing recedes a bit. I need to remind myself of this, cause if I don't I get stuck in 'the cycle' whereby I feel sad, I think sadness is bad, I try to avoid sadness by trying to spend more time with Juggler, Juggler feels stressed and wants to spend less time with me, I feel more sad, etc. So instead, I'll just feel sad for a bit, and then do other stuff.

I notice that music sometimes helps me to enjoy sadness. Disappointment is a really corrosive, strong emotion for me, which I get when I'm looking forward to something specific and don't get it. Sadness is different, actually enjoyable, pretty like well-shined dark wood or the word melancholy. Sadness makes me play 'Hallelujah' sung by Rufus Wainright and 'Shipwrecked' by Spacehog (except I don't have the song. Kynnin?) over and over again. It makes me feel clingier, which is almost kinda another way of saying I appreciate the people around me more. It makes me introspective and wordy and poetic (and vice versa, if I spend too much time introspecting I get angsty).

I notice that every second Tuesday, when I have a marathon client from about 11am to 3-3:30ish, I get really angsty and irritable and even ANGRY (in caps) at about 1pm. Is this something to do with food/eating whereby eating at 9:30 isn't late enough to keep my mood steady? Is this something to do with the fact that they have a vacuum that is specifically engineered to be the most annoying machine on the planet?

Argh. There we go, I was feeling poetic and sad, but I was derailed by a sudden headache and by the astonishing fact that I'm out of Milo. Alas!

Hee! 'Not tonight, angst, I have a headache'.

Speaking of which (trying to schedule time with Juggler) I am going to buy a cheapish handheld circular saw. Any recommendations on brand/features/etc?

Comments

[wik.livejournal.com]

Music also helps me enjoy sadness more, or at least better accept it as a part of me, and drink it in while it lasts. I find Counting Crows to do the job, but Hallelujah works too.

[greenstorm.livejournal.com]

The live counting crows album is fantastic for that. I'ver been listenign to August and Everything After since I was eleven or so, so it's lost that edge. Mostly. Except for Anna Begins.

"My friend assures me, "It's all or nothing."
But I am not really worried, I am not overly concerned
You try to tell yourself the things you try to tell yourself
To make yourself forget.
I am not worried.
"If it's love," she said, "then we're going to have to think about the consequences."

She can't stop shaking I can't stop touching her and
This time when kindness falls like rain
It washes her away and Anna begins to change her mind
"These seconds when I'm shaking leave me shuddering for days," she says
And I'm not ready for this sort of thing

But I'm not going to break and I'm not going to worry about it anymore
I'm not going to bend, and I'm not going to break and I'm not going to worry about it anymore
It seems like I should say, "As long as this is love..."
But it's not all that easy so maybe I should
Snap her up in a butterfly net
Pin her down on a photograph album
I am not worried I've done this sort of thing before
But then I start to think about the consequences
Because I don't get no sleep in a quiet room and...

The time when kindness falls like rain
It washes me away and Anna begins to change my mind
And everytime she sneezes I believe it's love and
Oh lord, I'm not ready for this sort of thing

She's talking in her sleep
It's keeping me awake and Anna begins to toss and turn
And every word is nonsense but I understand and
Oh lord, I'm not ready for this sort of thing

Her kindness bangs a gong
It's moving me along and Anna begins to fade away
It's chasing me away She disappears and
Oh lord, I'm not ready for this sort of thing"

That one always, always, always hits me hard. Every word is nonsense but I understand and oh, lord, I'm not ready for this sort of thing....

[wik.livejournal.com]

I actually thought of you while listening to this months (or is it years now?) ago when you were in the stages of breakup with Kynnin. Not quite sure why.

[greenstorm.livejournal.com]

It was a long breakup stage.

You know, this music predates my relationship with Kynnin, and in a lot of ways maybe it's eerily accurate.

Wow. It's amazing, sometimes, to think that I was still *me* years ago, in those times. You're the first Chris I ever knew, you know. It hurts a lot to remember back in the good years with Kynnin, I don't have anyone except Kynnin himself who was there, and so I haven't had anyone to go over it with and put old ghosts to rest.

[kurrs.livejournal.com]

Dewalt has a a repair/factory outlet on Boundary I believe, and their refurbirshed tools tend to be good and cheap. Plus, I like Dewalts.

[greenstorm.livejournal.com]

Exciting. Will look into that, thank you.

[saxifrage00.livejournal.com]

It's a good song.

Ship Wrecked. (Reply once you've downloaded it so I can take it down.)

[greenstorm.livejournal.com]

I've got it, but nothing that can play .ogg. :P

[saxifrage00.livejournal.com]

Hm. Windows Media Player is a bit braindead that way. Winamp will play them fine.

If your computer-music setup definitely won't work with ogg, I'll see about making an MP3 of it.