Sadness and Depth
Jun. 7th, 2005 09:00 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
greenstormSo, here, I've been spending a ton of time with the Juggler lately. Really a ton, more than I have in a really long time, more one on one time than I have ever, maybe.
I knew from the beginning that this wouldn't last forever.
A couple of weeks ago I thought it was slipping, and that's fine. Now I think it's slipping again, without any real evidence (there hasn't been enough time to take an average), and that's fine.
And I feel sad every time I talk to the Juggler on the phone in the last week or two (though luckily not on dates with him, which messes up the dates, so that's good) and that's fine too.
It's actually okay to feel sad when someone who's a big warm fuzzy happy thing recedes a bit. I need to remind myself of this, cause if I don't I get stuck in 'the cycle' whereby I feel sad, I think sadness is bad, I try to avoid sadness by trying to spend more time with Juggler, Juggler feels stressed and wants to spend less time with me, I feel more sad, etc. So instead, I'll just feel sad for a bit, and then do other stuff.
I notice that music sometimes helps me to enjoy sadness. Disappointment is a really corrosive, strong emotion for me, which I get when I'm looking forward to something specific and don't get it. Sadness is different, actually enjoyable, pretty like well-shined dark wood or the word melancholy. Sadness makes me play 'Hallelujah' sung by Rufus Wainright and 'Shipwrecked' by Spacehog (except I don't have the song. Kynnin?) over and over again. It makes me feel clingier, which is almost kinda another way of saying I appreciate the people around me more. It makes me introspective and wordy and poetic (and vice versa, if I spend too much time introspecting I get angsty).
I notice that every second Tuesday, when I have a marathon client from about 11am to 3-3:30ish, I get really angsty and irritable and even ANGRY (in caps) at about 1pm. Is this something to do with food/eating whereby eating at 9:30 isn't late enough to keep my mood steady? Is this something to do with the fact that they have a vacuum that is specifically engineered to be the most annoying machine on the planet?
Argh. There we go, I was feeling poetic and sad, but I was derailed by a sudden headache and by the astonishing fact that I'm out of Milo. Alas!
Hee! 'Not tonight, angst, I have a headache'.
Speaking of which (trying to schedule time with Juggler) I am going to buy a cheapish handheld circular saw. Any recommendations on brand/features/etc?
I knew from the beginning that this wouldn't last forever.
A couple of weeks ago I thought it was slipping, and that's fine. Now I think it's slipping again, without any real evidence (there hasn't been enough time to take an average), and that's fine.
And I feel sad every time I talk to the Juggler on the phone in the last week or two (though luckily not on dates with him, which messes up the dates, so that's good) and that's fine too.
It's actually okay to feel sad when someone who's a big warm fuzzy happy thing recedes a bit. I need to remind myself of this, cause if I don't I get stuck in 'the cycle' whereby I feel sad, I think sadness is bad, I try to avoid sadness by trying to spend more time with Juggler, Juggler feels stressed and wants to spend less time with me, I feel more sad, etc. So instead, I'll just feel sad for a bit, and then do other stuff.
I notice that music sometimes helps me to enjoy sadness. Disappointment is a really corrosive, strong emotion for me, which I get when I'm looking forward to something specific and don't get it. Sadness is different, actually enjoyable, pretty like well-shined dark wood or the word melancholy. Sadness makes me play 'Hallelujah' sung by Rufus Wainright and 'Shipwrecked' by Spacehog (except I don't have the song. Kynnin?) over and over again. It makes me feel clingier, which is almost kinda another way of saying I appreciate the people around me more. It makes me introspective and wordy and poetic (and vice versa, if I spend too much time introspecting I get angsty).
I notice that every second Tuesday, when I have a marathon client from about 11am to 3-3:30ish, I get really angsty and irritable and even ANGRY (in caps) at about 1pm. Is this something to do with food/eating whereby eating at 9:30 isn't late enough to keep my mood steady? Is this something to do with the fact that they have a vacuum that is specifically engineered to be the most annoying machine on the planet?
Argh. There we go, I was feeling poetic and sad, but I was derailed by a sudden headache and by the astonishing fact that I'm out of Milo. Alas!
Hee! 'Not tonight, angst, I have a headache'.
Speaking of which (trying to schedule time with Juggler) I am going to buy a cheapish handheld circular saw. Any recommendations on brand/features/etc?
![[identity profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/openid.png){kind=small}
no subject
Date: 2005-06-08 07:01 pm (UTC)Ship Wrecked. (Reply once you've downloaded it so I can take it down.)
no subject
Date: 2005-06-11 01:12 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2005-06-11 09:02 pm (UTC)If your computer-music setup definitely won't work with ogg, I'll see about making an MP3 of it.