Boundaries List

[greenstorm]

Okay, this was posted over on the poly forum. I'm linking it here so I can discuss it later if/when I have time. General-interest mental health.

http://www.livejournal.com/community/polyamory/1482640.html

Comments

[cz_unit]

Thanks for pointing that out. I read the polyamory list from time to time, it's got a pretty high psychodrama rate. Still, these two struck home


Trust no one -- trust anyone -- think in black and white
Oh yeah. Aside from being the mark of a paranoid it's very important to understand that there are always those shades of color that need to be taken into account

Tell all
An interesting one. Openness is though of as such a "poly virtue", yet it can be used as a very nasty little weapon.

CZ

[greenstorm.livejournal.com]

Yes. I used to do the 'tell all' and the 'instant intimacy' thing. Openness is still good, I think now, and forthrightness, but a person needs to keep some stuff private between them and themselves, or between them and friends/family. If you're not capable of it, it begs the question of whether you do things for yourself or for the audience.

And, as you say, it can be pretty destructive to say anything that pops into one's head (as oppsed to sharing the important concepts, when you've thought out whether it's important, or whatever).

So hard to learn, so good to know.

[cz_unit]

*nod* I still do have the instant intimacy thing happen from time to time; usually it's the scent of a person that triggers it. Sometimes people are just *right*. But I still keep my wits around me and stay away from the "instant love" bit. Love takes time and if you're in the "oh I'm in love" right off the bat it's time to step back and check your footing.

Very interesting thoughts.

CZ

[greenstorm.livejournal.com]

I found for myself, instant intimacy used to happen constantly. Kynnin, my ex-Significant-with-a-capital-s-other, was started out like that. It was wonderful at the time, but that was because, I think, I didn't have any real intimacy in my life. Now I do have lots of people I'm close to in varying degrees, and things with new people progress much more slowly. Even if the things said and done are the same, there's too much of me to be shared for me to feel instantly close to someone like that; no matter how many senses are used, it takes some time.

Too, I'm not drinking them in like a dry sponge, as fast as possible, but assimilating into the much-bigger and more-complicated Greenie I've become.

Close, yes. Intimacy? No.

[greenstorm.livejournal.com]

Re: psychodrama rate, hah. Yes. There are more shockingly new, innocent people on it looking at things with wondering eyes, though, and those I love-- even if it is a little bit like shining up a shovel before you take it digging in the garden.