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greenstormPoly hasn't been a big part of my life lately. That is, it's faded into a background condition that I don't think about, like I don't think much about, oh, using my arm or brushing my teeth.
Little things may have been accumulating, though... we're definitely slipped into a more individualistic sort of poly just lately, where we spend time in pairs rather than as a group more often than not. I'm not sure how I feel about that.
This seems to be sort of a pattern lately -- little things happen, and a lot of little things happen to equal a rather big change, then I feel bad and have to call the whole thing and talk it out verbally. I'm good at adjusting to nonverbal things that are small, but when I consider something big to be happening -- and especially when it happens, I accept it nonverbally, and then it seems to reverse, I get very confused.
I wish I had better nonverbal coping mechanisms, so I didn't need to get everyone together to talk so often. There's not so much time for that anymore, and even less for that plus the relationships too.
I wish I didn't form expectations based on nonverbal stuff that happens, or to be more honest, I wish that if something's been happening for awhile and is going to change that someone would warn me verbally first. I'm not so good with unanticipated change. I know that if it's unanticipated then probably I'm not the only one being surprised by it.
I wish I wasn't so lonely so much of the time. It doesn't seem to matter, mono or poly, I end up feeling alone and, not unwanted, but ininvolved, half-included but not fully, some of the time. I'm not sure whether this is a normal state, whether it's just something to get used to, whether it's an accurate depiction of outside stuff, or whether it's something internal to me. I don't understand it very well, and people who are surrounded by other people don't seem to talk about being lonely so often. I don't know if that's social expectation, or if they just aren't lonely.
I miss you right now, you being all the people who respond to this sort of thing in an interactive way, who aren't just my own words coming back at me. You're appreciated.
Little things may have been accumulating, though... we're definitely slipped into a more individualistic sort of poly just lately, where we spend time in pairs rather than as a group more often than not. I'm not sure how I feel about that.
This seems to be sort of a pattern lately -- little things happen, and a lot of little things happen to equal a rather big change, then I feel bad and have to call the whole thing and talk it out verbally. I'm good at adjusting to nonverbal things that are small, but when I consider something big to be happening -- and especially when it happens, I accept it nonverbally, and then it seems to reverse, I get very confused.
I wish I had better nonverbal coping mechanisms, so I didn't need to get everyone together to talk so often. There's not so much time for that anymore, and even less for that plus the relationships too.
I wish I didn't form expectations based on nonverbal stuff that happens, or to be more honest, I wish that if something's been happening for awhile and is going to change that someone would warn me verbally first. I'm not so good with unanticipated change. I know that if it's unanticipated then probably I'm not the only one being surprised by it.
I wish I wasn't so lonely so much of the time. It doesn't seem to matter, mono or poly, I end up feeling alone and, not unwanted, but ininvolved, half-included but not fully, some of the time. I'm not sure whether this is a normal state, whether it's just something to get used to, whether it's an accurate depiction of outside stuff, or whether it's something internal to me. I don't understand it very well, and people who are surrounded by other people don't seem to talk about being lonely so often. I don't know if that's social expectation, or if they just aren't lonely.
I miss you right now, you being all the people who respond to this sort of thing in an interactive way, who aren't just my own words coming back at me. You're appreciated.
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Date: 2004-01-21 05:12 pm (UTC)This post was the start of a turning point there. I cried about a minute, wrote this, and then got on with my life and didn't feel bad.
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Date: 2004-01-22 01:52 am (UTC)Namaste.
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Date: 2004-01-22 03:03 am (UTC)Sometimes I wonder just how similar any of our feelings are, but I guess we'll never know...
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Date: 2004-01-22 03:12 am (UTC)